To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

[Dinomore]

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

It really isn’t a ridiculous take. I am an adult who carves out time during the holiday season to visit my mother as I know it is imprtsnt to her- it’s difficult sometimes but I make it work. It’s literally a few hours - the OP is asking for a few hours from the entire YEAR and somehow this is unreasonable. Are they friends?

Slightly dramatic on this is the way to lose a relationship with your child. The OP is not ‘demanding’. She hasn’t seen her son in two years and it sounds like he agreed to come home for Christmas and is now back tracking. It’s natural for the OP to feel upset over this, after HE initially agreed. And I repeat - it has been 2 years since she has seen him. I am also not saying adult children must pander to the whims and desires of their parents wishes but a relationship goes both ways

I voted YANBU but only because I can only imagine the level of gut-wrenching guilt tripping I’d have got from my mum if I even dreamt of doing such a thing.

So you can afford it. You’re just choosing the spend the money elsewhere, including on holidays with his other siblings. Do you think this is something he might resent?

Ouch.

I'm not saying it's easy, but it sounds like you are judging your son for not spending his money on coming to see you, whilst also not prioritising saving money to go see him.

Could you not make one of your family holidays a visit to see him? I can’t see if that’s been suggested here but I haven’t RTFT.

Also, I seem to remember your previous thread. Is your son's Dad going out to visit him? Is there still tension about that?

Flying from a different continent is not ‘a matter of hours’ though, is it? It’s a number of days and many hundreds of pounds.

OP has a young family. She is not a vulnerable OAP unable to travel. Why is she released from responsibility for maintaining contact with her adult son because she is choosing to spend what disposable income she has on subsequent children?

Not sure I would be feeling the love if I was her son. She is showing him exactly where he sits in her priorities.

I could have this all wrong but it sounds like when the OP’s DS was in his mid teens she hooked up with a new man who she proceeded to have 2 kids with and now he’s fucked off which suggests he may not have been that great to start with. All of which may explain why he’s not too fussed about coming back to see her.

The reality is that as his age he’s doing his own thing and the onus is on parents to make the effort to see them. May not be fair but realistically that’s what it is. So it’s up to the OP to start saving.

God, the drama. He hasn't "ruined your mum's life", FFS. He is an adult and has flown the nest, as adults are meant to do.

So he shouldn’t have made a commitment to her, if he couldn’t fufill it then, should he? I mean he is literally a 26 year old man. Her other children are quite young, so I’m not sure she can just drop them to visit. It seems the OP is trying to maintain the relationship though why do you think she isn’t? You say disposable income like she is throwing money at her children- she literally said they are just about getting by.

I know that having more children after your first marriage breaks down is always controversial on Mumsnet but I do have two other children. If to afford to go and see my son I have to not buy them Christmas presents, birthday presents and take them on one very small uk holiday annually then I don’t think that is fair. They didn’t ask for their brother to move away.

I don’t have an option to go alone and even that would damage our finances significantly.

I would love to go and visit him but no I can’t afford it.

I understand that you’re going to miss him, but he’s living the most wonderful life with someone he obviously cares for very much. Why would he turn down a move to some exotic, far flung location for a couple of months, so he could visit his mum for a couple of days? This is his time to be having these experiences.

I think you have to accept that you are nowhere near the centre of his universe anymore. He’s grown up and you’ve given him the tools to get out into the world and have all of these amazing experiences before he thinks about settling in one place.

She also says she can afford family holidays for her younger children - so why not make one of those holidays a trip to see their big brother next time he’s in Europe?

I wouldn’t feel too great if my mum had met a new man, had kids with him then told me they’re the reason she can’t afford to come and visit, tbh.

They didn’t ask for their brother to move away.

And your oldest son didn’t ask for you to have two more children with another man, but you did. And now the consequence is you can’t see your oldest as much - maybe he’s upset and angry with you for your decisions in the same way you seem to be angry with him for his.

Your son didn't ask for half-brothers either!

He's young, he's having fun, it's not about you. He might be thinking about setting down at some point, having kids, and then be stuck with the kids and seeing his family. Might as well make the most of his freedom now while he can.

He might not be in a rush to come home, because he feels what you think about his girlfriend, but mainly because he knows it's "home", it's there, il will be there tomorrow.

Devastate = destroy, ruin. Overwhelmed by shock or grief.

If thats truly how you feel OP I suggest you seek counselling to talk through your feelings.

My own ds Ive seen once a year for the past 3 years. For on average 5 hours each time. As I said upthread, yes it hurts but hes travelling the world and living his best life. He is an adult and is free to make his own choices. Although I would rather see him more often Im proud that Ive apparently helped him to develop the skills and confidence to be set free and live his best life.

One of your family holidays should be to see your son, why wouldn’t it be?

Judging the age gaps, it looks like you entered a new relationship at a crucial stage of DC1 life, one that didn't work out, two very young children takes up your time.
Did DS help out much? Toddlers and teenagers are a difficult balance.
He'll come back sometime, don't ask him again, he'll start avoiding any contact, keep it light.
Let him enjoy his new life.
Or ask him to pay for your flight, pay him back over a year.

No Yanbu to miss your eldest. That's a long time to go without seeing an adult child.
As the other children are still young, why not get token Christmas and birthday gifts this year or next year. It's not like they'll be asking for I phones for Christmas. The family holiday can be to go and see their older sibling.

I find it telling that OP is only replying to certain posts.

Anyway you and his half siblings are not his priority. He is an adult, doing a job he enjoys and earning well from it and travelling extensively! It should not be devastating that he is living and loving his life. Be happy for him.

in fairness, the OP has replied to clarify that her son WAS earning a living and not just wasting away his inheritance

How is this your business? Just desperately in need of someone to denigrate perhaps?

@Jewel52 couldn’t agree more -

At that age I barely thought about my parents. Wisely they respected that. As I got older, my life settled and I saw them more. Just be patient.