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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

220 replies

Dinomore · 20/09/2025 16:58

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

OP posts:
SnoreyCat · 20/09/2025 23:22

Squigglydums · 20/09/2025 22:37

So he shouldn’t have made a commitment to her, if he couldn’t fufill it then, should he? I mean he is literally a 26 year old man. Her other children are quite young, so I’m not sure she can just drop them to visit. It seems the OP is trying to maintain the relationship though why do you think she isn’t? You say disposable income like she is throwing money at her children- she literally said they are just about getting by.

Show quote history

From the OP: “He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either.”

There is no suggestion that he is reneging on a confirmed commitment, just that the OP has recently discovered his Xmas plans do not include visiting her as she might have hoped.

I haven’t said at all that OP isn’t trying to maintain the relationship. However I do think she clearly feels it is her son’s responsibility to maintain face to face visits..

Disposable income is disposable income, whether that’s £50 or £500 per month. OP has made, and continues to make, decisions about how to use that money. This is absolutely her right, but it is not her son’s responsibility to step in and pay for flights for OP when she is choosing to spend her money elsewhere.

She is his parent, but she is expecting him to prioritize her emotional need to see him when she doesn’t prioritize that over holidays with her younger children...

Original poster
Dinomore · 20/09/2025 23:22

lunar1 · 20/09/2025 22:52

One of your family holidays should be to see your son, why wouldn’t it be?

The cost between 4 days in a caravan and flights/hotel in foreign countries can add up and we are very much on a tight budget. We don’t have lots of holidays, 1 a year at most.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinomore · 20/09/2025 23:24

SnoreyCat · 20/09/2025 23:22

From the OP: “He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either.”

There is no suggestion that he is reneging on a confirmed commitment, just that the OP has recently discovered his Xmas plans do not include visiting her as she might have hoped.

I haven’t said at all that OP isn’t trying to maintain the relationship. However I do think she clearly feels it is her son’s responsibility to maintain face to face visits..

Disposable income is disposable income, whether that’s £50 or £500 per month. OP has made, and continues to make, decisions about how to use that money. This is absolutely her right, but it is not her son’s responsibility to step in and pay for flights for OP when she is choosing to spend her money elsewhere.

She is his parent, but she is expecting him to prioritize her emotional need to see him when she doesn’t prioritize that over holidays with her younger children...

Show quote history

So should I stop buying my children Christmas presents? As I have very very little disposable income. Yes this is due to debt etc. and won’t be forever.

OP posts:
Whatsallthisthen2025 · 20/09/2025 23:31

What he's doing is super normal - well, not the lifestyle choice maybe but the going off and doing what he wants without worrying about his parents thing. It's great he's doing it now too while he is still young and extremely standard for a person of his age to prioritise adventures and new experiences over parents.

He knows you'll still be there (all going well) and is having fun. You're entitled to miss him, but if you show resentment he will stay away longer because who wants to have their mother burst their adventure and experience bubble and make them feel a bit shit about getting out and having a brilliant life?

Just stay in touch with him, don't try to bring him down or guilt him. It's fine to remind him gently without spite or sly digs or playing the guilt card that you'd love to see him sometime.

Don't lecture him on his choices either, he won't listen anyway, it will only cause dissent.

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 20/09/2025 23:32

Dinomore · 20/09/2025 23:24

So should I stop buying my children Christmas presents? As I have very very little disposable income. Yes this is due to debt etc. and won’t be forever.

Show quote history

Why should anybody else know the answer to that question? Buy them gifts or don't, up to you.

Alexandrine · 20/09/2025 23:35

Difficult one but maybe he doesn’t really understand how desperately you want to see him?

Or perhaps from his perspective you’ve got 2 younger children keeping you busy so you aren’t lonely/on your own and he does keep in touch/check in with you regularly, he just hasn’t traveled to see you in person.

I understand why it’s upsetting for you, but it sounds like he’s got other priorities in his life now (his girlfriend and travelling). Depending on how he feels about his younger siblings, he might feel that they are your priority now. After all, it sounds like he was an only child for most of his life with all your attention and now he has to share it -which even as a young adult can be upsetting. You won’t know, unless you can get him to have an honest conversation about why he’s not keen on visiting.

NuffSaidSam · 20/09/2025 23:40

I don't think a quick visit to his Mum is too much to ask.

The painful reality is that if he wanted to see you he would do.

Maybe he hasn't because he's just caught up in his exciting life. Maybe he hasn't because he's upset about something...potentially the new siblings etc.

I would ask him outright.

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 20/09/2025 23:46

NuffSaidSam · 20/09/2025 23:40

I don't think a quick visit to his Mum is too much to ask.

The painful reality is that if he wanted to see you he would do.

Maybe he hasn't because he's just caught up in his exciting life. Maybe he hasn't because he's upset about something...potentially the new siblings etc.

I would ask him outright.

He's in Vancouver and going to Buenos Aires next, so not just at Grimsby where he can jump in a hire car.

Sounds like he's having a wonderful time, lucky lad. Obviously, visiting his mother isn't exciting at all - just the reality of being young.

She can ask, but she might not like the answer. Best just to let him live his young life and be happy for him really, keep in touch and remind him she'd like to see him soon without being spiteful or demanding or trying to guilt him.

Brightonkebab · 20/09/2025 23:47

This reply has been deleted

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sosorryimnotsorry · 20/09/2025 23:48

Wow some really horrid judgmental posts on this thread. @DinomoreI don’t think you are remotely unreasonable to be hurt and upset about your DS’s choices. I think he is being very thoughtless in not making something of an effort to come and see you. Or have plans in place to do so. Even if just for a few days on route to somewhere else. Short of having some family fallout which he has decided to cut contact it seems very unfeeling not to make something of an effort when it’s his choices that have created the distance.
Do they visit his GF’s family?
Im afraid I don’t have much advise as obviously he is free to make his choices as he sees fit. But if one of my siblings did this I know my mother would find it very hard and feel the same way you do. I would also have no problem telling my sibling how selfish and unfeeling they were being.

I hope he visits soon.

sosorryimnotsorry · 20/09/2025 23:52

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 20/09/2025 23:31

What he's doing is super normal - well, not the lifestyle choice maybe but the going off and doing what he wants without worrying about his parents thing. It's great he's doing it now too while he is still young and extremely standard for a person of his age to prioritise adventures and new experiences over parents.

He knows you'll still be there (all going well) and is having fun. You're entitled to miss him, but if you show resentment he will stay away longer because who wants to have their mother burst their adventure and experience bubble and make them feel a bit shit about getting out and having a brilliant life?

Just stay in touch with him, don't try to bring him down or guilt him. It's fine to remind him gently without spite or sly digs or playing the guilt card that you'd love to see him sometime.

Don't lecture him on his choices either, he won't listen anyway, it will only cause dissent.

@Whatsallthisthen2025no it isn’t normal to swan off for over 20 months and not visit your parent in that time. That isn’t normal behaviour at all.

sosorryimnotsorry · 20/09/2025 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reported

Being unable to afford to travel does not make someone a narcissist. Nor does saying that your unable to afford something either!

some of the posters on this thread really need to think before they type!

SnoreyCat · 20/09/2025 23:56

Dinomore · 20/09/2025 23:24

So should I stop buying my children Christmas presents? As I have very very little disposable income. Yes this is due to debt etc. and won’t be forever.

Show quote history

Absolutely not. I said in an earlier post that your decision to spend disposable income on your younger children was right imo. (Not that that matters either way). My point is that it is not your son’s responsibility to compensate for that decision.

You are the parent, he doesn’t have the same responsibility to you.

FWIW I wouldn’t assume that the reason he’s not coming home is that he is withdrawing contact. Is there a reason for you to think that? He sounds like a happy, successful man in his 20s absorbed in living a great life - as he should be.

Hippogriffwhisperer · 21/09/2025 00:05

You will wish you had enjoyed the peace when they come back broke and both move into his old bedroom....

SnoopyPajamas · 21/09/2025 00:08

Is there a reason your son would go low contact with you? If you're being really honest with yourself?

It sounds like you had his younger half-siblings when he would have been leaving school and looking at colleges for the first time. That can be an overwhelming time for a young person, and young men especially are often too proud to share their insecurities. Is there a chance he got lost in the shuffle, while you were absorbed in the new babies and thought he was too grown-up to need you? That can happen. Is it possible he had issues around this time and resents the lack of attention? If so, his independence now could be a reaction to feeling his childhood was abruptly cut off back then.

You're the only who can say if there's any truth to that. I'm just guessing. It could be something else between you. Or nothing at all. But it's unusual for a parent to suspect a child has gone low contact, if that relationship is genuinely good. I'm low contact with my own mother. I put on a smile when I see her, but I'm sure she knows we're low contact. She's not stupid. She avoids talking about it because she doesn't want to have the conversation. There are things she doesn't want to hear.

Original poster
Dinomore · 21/09/2025 00:22

Hippogriffwhisperer · 21/09/2025 00:05

You will wish you had enjoyed the peace when they come back broke and both move into his old bedroom....

Well that won’t happen, his girlfriend owns a flat in her home country she is renting out and they aren’t spending the inheritance much, he has consistent work from a YouTube channel that pays him a retainer etc and she has the rental income plus translation. They aren’t living off inheritance they are advancing the same careers they otherwise would be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinomore · 21/09/2025 00:26

SnoopyPajamas · 21/09/2025 00:08

Is there a reason your son would go low contact with you? If you're being really honest with yourself?

It sounds like you had his younger half-siblings when he would have been leaving school and looking at colleges for the first time. That can be an overwhelming time for a young person, and young men especially are often too proud to share their insecurities. Is there a chance he got lost in the shuffle, while you were absorbed in the new babies and thought he was too grown-up to need you? That can happen. Is it possible he had issues around this time and resents the lack of attention? If so, his independence now could be a reaction to feeling his childhood was abruptly cut off back then.

You're the only who can say if there's any truth to that. I'm just guessing. It could be something else between you. Or nothing at all. But it's unusual for a parent to suspect a child has gone low contact, if that relationship is genuinely good. I'm low contact with my own mother. I put on a smile when I see her, but I'm sure she knows we're low contact. She's not stupid. She avoids talking about it because she doesn't want to have the conversation. There are things she doesn't want to hear.

Edited

I’d like to hope not, he moved away for uni and didn’t come home much but he was always super independent. He did come home every few months though.
I guess around the time of having my younger children, he may have felt neglected as he was at those older teen years etc.

OP posts:
VivaForever81 · 21/09/2025 00:28

It’s okay to miss your son, I don’t think anyone can call you unreasonable for that.
Try and reframe it in your mind, you’ve raised a son who is happy/loving/exploring the world. It wont be forever, give yourself a pat on the back, there’s so many young men now that have no life at all.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/09/2025 00:30

Do you video call with them? That can be almost as good. I imagine you just want to give him a cuddle though.

Bitsnbobs123 · 21/09/2025 01:02

It’s not unreasonable to miss your son but it is unreasonable to put the burden of maintaining the relationship on him. You sound like a good mother and I’m sure he loves you but your respective financial situations aren’t really relevant and don’t mean that he has to do all the work.

Try to focus on positive communication and letting him know that you’re proud of him and support him. Pressuring him to visit may just push him away.

Friendlygingercat · 21/09/2025 01:07

Please do not guilt your son with not coming to see you as he will become more and more resentful of you for that. When I moved to another city I only saw my parents every few months (about twice a year) and I hated the horrendous family christmases. Then I went to work in the USA for a year and there was more whingeing because I was not willing to fly back after 6 months. There was no zoom or facetime back then (90s) so they just had to get on with it.

The duty of a parent is to enable their children to launch as fully fledged adults. Why do they resent it so much when it happens? The time to be concerned is when you have a 40 year old child still living at home.

spoonbillstretford · 21/09/2025 03:11

TheGander · 20/09/2025 18:57

The big issue I have with this is the statement that they stay 4-6 weeks, really integrate, live like locals. That’s just not possible. What’s more Air bnbs , digital nomads etc are inflating rental prices for locals all around Europe and creating transient human populations which undermine neighbourhoods. They might think they are living like locals, but locals will be very aware that that’s not who they are.

Not necessarily, they could be in hostels or other cheap accommodation. There are a lot cheaper alternatives to AirBnB around the world for a young traveller.

spoonbillstretford · 21/09/2025 03:23

Dinomore · 20/09/2025 23:24

So should I stop buying my children Christmas presents? As I have very very little disposable income. Yes this is due to debt etc. and won’t be forever.

Show quote history

It's not his fault you chose to have more children and now can't afford to go and see him. He probably sees it that once again, he is low on your list and is making his own way in life with someone who makes him feel loved and needed and a top priority. Perhaps he never felt that way at home, or more so after you had another family. I would do some soul searching and would be moving heaven and earth to save up money to go and see him.

Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2025 03:49

Jan 24 would be difficult. If he lives so far away it’s not an unusual amount of time, but still difficult.

maybe think about what transit hubs he might be likely to come through that are close to you and could be reached cheaply. Maybe everything will align at some point for you and the children to meet up with him for a few days.

dizzydizzydizzy · 21/09/2025 04:00

It's a difficult one. It sounds like your DS is very happy - which is what we all as parents want for our kids. But yeah, I would be sad too if I hadn't seen one of my DCs for such a long time. I can't decide whether you are reasonable or not.

Does he phone you regularly? Send you birthday cards and gifts? Ditto for Mother's Day?