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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

220 replies

Dinomore · 20/09/2025 16:58

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

OP posts:
MyAcornWood · 20/09/2025 17:38

Your dig about not being with the girlfriend long before they went travelling makes it sound like it really just boils down to the fact that you’re bitter he’s chosen her over you, or that’s how you perceive it. Good for him, that he’s out there, living his life and experiencing the world, you must’ve raised him to have confidence in himself and his choices.
Feeling upset is reasonable, of course you miss him, but feeling hurt isn’t, imo, as that implies to me that you feel he’s acting in a malicious way, and I just don’t think he is! It sounds harsh but it simply isn’t his problem or his fault that you can’t afford flights to see him, but there’s nothing that makes me think he’s actively avoiding you!

SunnyDolly · 20/09/2025 17:39

He’s in his 20’s and doing his travelling while he can, it’s what most of us would love to do! I do get a sense from your post you’re perhaps not a fan of the girlfriend - have you said that to him? Just the comment about them not having been together long (which I don’t think is strange especially in your 20’s, head over heels type relationships!)

It must be hard as that is a very very long time. Do they visit the U.K. sometimes so you could just catch a train to go and see them? Have you discussed it with him, to try and coordinate something when paths are close to crossing? What was your relationship like with him before they left?

FancyQuoter · 20/09/2025 17:42

Fair enough, you are missing him

But let him breathe! He keeps telling me he will come home and visit
don't ask, don't pester, don't mention it. He will be dreading the calls if you always keep banging about this(if you do, maybe you don't)

Just keep in touch via the usual social media, facetime, whatsapp videos, ask him to update your family whatsapp, or create a private instagram account so you can see what he's up to.

We have the unbelievable luxury to be in touch for next to nothing in an unlimited manners, make the most of that.

He's enjoying life and is happy, what more do you want for him!
I would concentrate on changing career if you are that stuck with money you can't even fly away a few times a year to meet him.

Rosesanddaffs · 20/09/2025 17:48

@Dinomore let him live his life, as long as he calls and is in contact, does it really matter.

I understand you miss him, that’s normal. I think it’s great he’s able to do this.

Can you face time? X

Star458 · 20/09/2025 17:50

Sounds like a wonderful life to live while you're young!

Leave the kids with their dad and go visit him by yourself.

mindutopia · 20/09/2025 18:03

When I was his age, I lived in India (it was fab). My mum managed to come visit me once. I then eventually moved to the UK (a further 8 hours flight from home) and married Dh. In 15 years, I’ve been back to my home country 3 times (can’t otherwise afford it, but I’m not close to my family either).

I think this is all perfectly okay and normal. But why not fly out on a cheap flight for 2 random nights? Don’t take the whole family. Just you. Or ask him to fly back for a weekend. It doesn’t have to be a big week long event. Just an easy flying visit.

notacooldad · 20/09/2025 18:07

Viviennemary
Not surprised you are worried about his lifestyle ch9ice. Squandering his inheritance and not earning anything. What is he going to do when the money runs out.

Well they are both working but if they weren't I'd imagine they would go and get a job. That really wouldn't be a worry for me.

It sounds like they are having a fabulous time and in ops shoes I would be asking ds for updates and photos and telling them it looks like they are having a brilliant time. I would be asking positive questions and also be enthusiastic about what they are doing.

If ds thinks he's going to get grief for not being mum in months it will put them off coming back for a bit longer, I think.

3luckystars · 20/09/2025 18:09

You should be happy for him. I know it must be hard but if he is happy then you did a good job.

FioFioSILK · 20/09/2025 18:16

Sons. We do love them but they can be so.independant. You've raised a healthy boy. Be proud of his adventure. Go on your own to see him. Video call him regularly at least make sure he's eating.

TheWickerHare · 20/09/2025 18:17

You sound dismissive of his girlfriend and like their relationship shouldn't come before you... 'only together 5 months'... 'only met while backpacking'. Let him live his life and be happy that he is happy. Unless you want to push him away if course.

ParmaVioletTea · 20/09/2025 18:23

He’s living his life. He’s 26.

FancyQuoter · 20/09/2025 18:24

TheWickerHare · 20/09/2025 18:17

You sound dismissive of his girlfriend and like their relationship shouldn't come before you... 'only together 5 months'... 'only met while backpacking'. Let him live his life and be happy that he is happy. Unless you want to push him away if course.

absolutely that!

if they end up spending their life together, you will have made a horrible start as the MIL.

Barnbrack · 20/09/2025 18:29

How old are your younger children? Sounds like they are much younger. Are they with a different dad who is also your husband who you met when your da was a teenager and they don't get on? While you pour everything into your new family?

Franpie · 20/09/2025 18:30

It’s only been since January.

My best mate is Aussie and she hasn’t physically seen her mum in over 5 years as her mum is her dad’s carer so she can’t travel that far and my friend has children with severe additional needs so impossible for her to travel back home.

But they face time every few days and WhatsApp most days.

Barnbrack · 20/09/2025 18:30

Ah, and I missed the inheritance. He's off spending money from his dad's (your exes?) side of the family frivolously instead of staying close and contributing to your household

PinkArt · 20/09/2025 18:38

Of course it's ok to miss him but could you try to focus instead on what an incredible life he's living? It really doesn't sound like he's trying to go no contact, just that there is a huge world to explore and he wants to experience as much of it as possible.
Seeing the world with the woman he loves, both of them doing flexible freelance jobs that mean they can work from anywhere, what a dream. Experiencing all of that with no commitments and being able to make a really informed decision about where and when they want to settle down, if they ever do.
I'm not an adventurer myself but this reminds me of my parents life before they became my parents. Or at least a modern version, as there was no digital editing work in the 70s!

Livelovebehappy · 20/09/2025 18:42

I get you op. Must be upsetting. But just be glad he's happy and living his best life. That's all we can ever wish for our children.

Ponderingwindow · 20/09/2025 18:42

If you saw him in Jan 25, that is barely a blip. If it was Jan 24 I could see how you would be concerned.

it has to be a 2 way street though, literally. Even if he wasn’t traveling, he might not live nearby. Budgeting both time and money to visit your adult children is part of being the parent of adults.

This post does make me wonder if this is an increasing issue, more broad than just this family. Op, you mention needing to travel in school holidays as opposed to being able to leave your younger ones at home. That implies to me that there is a big age gap. As those get more common, I wonder if this becomes a growing issue?

WhamBamThankU · 20/09/2025 18:46

Can’t you go without your kids?

Supersonix · 20/09/2025 18:49

I would save and go alone to see him if that’s possible? It’s your issue op. He is doing what many people in their twenties do. Cheer him on don’t push him away by asking him to return.

JustStopItNorasaurus · 20/09/2025 18:51

I think that at that age- for anyone with an adventuorous streak, it's normal. It does not say anything about how he feels about you. He;s 26 and has a like-minded girlfriend! Right now it is developmentally healthy for him to go and spread his wings. Don't clip his wings.

RetiredGranny · 20/09/2025 18:52

Back in the 80s, 26 was quite old and you would have expected to have left home by then. At 26, I'd been married 4 years and had 2 DC. Although I lived in the same town as my DM, I was an adult and my life was my own and my choices.

Rewis · 20/09/2025 18:56

How do you integrate in a community and make friends in 4-8weeks?

TheGander · 20/09/2025 18:57

The big issue I have with this is the statement that they stay 4-6 weeks, really integrate, live like locals. That’s just not possible. What’s more Air bnbs , digital nomads etc are inflating rental prices for locals all around Europe and creating transient human populations which undermine neighbourhoods. They might think they are living like locals, but locals will be very aware that that’s not who they are.

Enigma54 · 20/09/2025 19:03

I haven’t seen my parents in 16 months. I’ve got cancer and have been too unwell to travel and they don’t like the journey. Sometimes that’s the way the cookie crumbles. If DS wants to see you, he will. He’s 26 and enjoying his life. Given that at some point he will have to think jobs and accommodation ( ?) I would say let DS be. I can understand your sadness though.

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