To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

[Dinomore]

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

No no no please OP don’t mention it to him in negative terms! I travelled in my 20s and my mother relentlessly played that card - I’d have seen her more frequently had there not been the suffocating pressure, or if she visited me and showed an interest in what I was doing or where. Try to be upbeat about his life, his girlfriend, fun facetimes, and try to get out to visit him. Please don’t make him feel badly and spoil it for them both.

Last January to me would be 2024. That's a very long time not to see your son, if so.

There's some typically weird Mumsnet comments here. Travelling for a year or so is one thing but it sounds like he is drifting if this is now a long term thing.

It is normal to not see parents for a few months at a time if you live away. It is also normal I suppose if going overseas to only see family once a year or even less often.

But yes... It's hurtful for you and not unreasonable for you to be concerned and a bit upset. The young are selfish and increasingly so I think.

Sounds like a typical digital nomad lifestyle.

What's for him at home? Sort your finances out to prioritise going to see him if that's important to you.

At 26 I was off travelling the world,
lived in London, wanted to be as far away as my childhood and upbringing as possible - and probably saw my parents once or twice
a year. That was indicative of how I perceived our relationship to be at the time, although my mum assumed that i would
go back and see them more. And that was the difference in how we both perceived our relationship. she thought we had a better relationship than we did.

I’m sorry but i wish i could of done this. For me this is exactly what you should be doing whilst his age. Living life! Hopefully he isn’t spending all of his inheritance. I loved my twenties and just being young and carefree. As a now mid forties woman with all the trappings of work, elderly parents, health and the shit in the world i miss those times!

Im really sorry you can’t afford to see him and im sure at some point he will come home. But at least you have the internet/face time etc. Plenty of people have their relatives all over the world. Be proud you have raised a son that doesn’t want to just sit at home and not experience anything. That he is confident enough to be travelling etc.

It’s not drifting ….Look up digital nomads, many young (and not so young) people are living like this. That have jobs fully remote so they can work wherever they want! It’s a modern way of living but it’s perfect when you are young and haven’t settled down for family and so on.

Are they in Europe or further afield? Because if its Europe that can just be a weekend trip for you. Is the dad of your younger children in the picture, if so could he have them for a week while you visit your eldest?

He sounds like he’s living his best life and I’d be so happy for him.

I understand why you miss him so much but I’d just see if he’s going to be anywhere near you in the near future and offer for them to spend a couple nights at yours.

As long as you keep in touch over SM or similar, then that’s fine.
His age group is used to keeping in touch this way.

Sounds like you had more children with a big age gap, when he was potentially at a point in his adolescence where he needed more attention from you than you can give?

Might this have affected your relationship?

Perfect response.

my stepson is 23 and lives with us. We have offered to pay for him to have one way tickets all around the world - or inter rail tickets - so that he can go explore life but he’s not interested and just stays on his room on his Xbox. It’s a shame, but we are all different, I suppose.

I think you need to let him live his life. Both SIL and BIL live abroad and have done for over 10 years now. BIL has been home once. SIL twice in that time. MIL doesn’t complain and tell them they must come home more. She understands that she can’t afford to visit them and of course they can’t afford to visit her either!! Both have since married and had children. I’m sure she wishes she could see her children and grandchildren more often but they are out living their lives as they wish. Leave your son alone. He’s enjoying his youth while he can and if you keep moaning on at him you’ll push him away even more

But he’s the ‘kid’. I feel it’s unfair to expect him to be the one doing all the travelling.

I understand OP. Its not that you think he should, its that you would have hoped he'd have wanted to. Its not that you want to restrict his life or have him obligated to see you, but it hurts you that he's seemingly fine not to see you all. Because however much our children get on with their own lives, it's only natural to hope they'll want us to be some part of that.
However, I'd say keep the faith. Because its early days for his freedom and his relationship and his life is going to feel very full, and this has probably crowded out thoughts of home and family. In time, if you have built a loving foundation, I think you'll find he makes more space for you again. As long as you don't push or pressure, they mostly always do.

But of course YANBU to miss him and want to see him. I hope this can change in the not so distant future x

I completely understand how you feel. It would hurt if you don't see your child (even at 26) for over a year, when you beleive he could come to see you. There is a lot of advise on this thread about being happy for him but I think it may be more productive to focus on you, build your career/hobbies/social life, so you don't feel so emotionally dependent on him. Keep in touch with him but focus more on your own life.

That sounds really hard for you but as hard as it is, you have to just let him live his life as he wants. He's an adult and he's not harming anyone. At some point he may need to come back to you but in the meantime all you can do is be supportive.

My 25 year old has just dropped in for a flying two day visit i feel very fortunate

@PrioritisePleasure24 I would see it as drifting if he is only able to do this because he's blowing an inheritance and is only doing a bit of work here and there.

That's the impression I had from the op.

If it is a year or so, I think that's one thing... Longer...I don't know. I would have concerns.

Get on the Trip app and book a cheap flight to the next city they are at. If it's a reasonable short flight, you can do it in a day.

You gotta take the hit and go see him.
A bit off to expect him to make all the effort

If you would like to adopt me and pay for me to travel around the world, I would happily accept 😊😊

If you are only just getting by, what are you doing to change that?

Better paid job? Education?

Extra shifts? Second job?

All of ours have taken a year old/gap year at some point to travel. It’s character building and they make so many contacts around the world.

This is not going to be forever and of course you miss him but there are so many ways to keep in touch and you should be thankful for him leading an independent life with someone he cares about and is out there seeing the world.

He is earning, most of their costs are covered by his freelance work and hers. Flights is about the only thing they use inheritance for.

While it's OK to feel devastated and miss him terribly he's living the life that I suspect many would love to live.

Freedom of not being tied to one place for long can seem a real plus for some people while they're able to do so.

For many of us when younger moving out of the house you grew up in and into your own place was full of excitement and we probably never looked back or gave a second thought to our parents and how they'd feel.

Let him have his journey through life as he wants, hopefully he'll settle down in one place once he's seen all the places on his list and you'll see more of him.

My brother went to live in LA and because of the stingy holiday entitlement there he only comes home to see our mum every 2/3 years and only for a couple of days. Of course it’s his life and he can “do what he wants”. Doesn’t mean it hasn’t ruined my mum’s life.