To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

[Dinomore]

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

I think just tell him you miss him, and ask for regular FaceTime calls? I know it’s not the same as in person meetings, but it’s better than just messaging?

I think it is fairly normal for young people to assume their parents will make some kind of effort to visit them, yes. He's not always in Bogota - OP says he's been in Europe too, so not a million miles away.

In terms of being put out - I think I would be pretty miffed if my mum was so clearly prioritising her new children over me, yes. Is it necessarily a rational way of thinking? No, but families are complicated and it's very, very normal for older children to feel put out when their parents go on to form second families.

She’s started a new family, the minute he was deemed old enough (as a teenager himself) and then was consistently told he’s not a priority. And now she expects him
to spend money on her she’s not willing to spend on him (who is also her child), cunts off his girlfriend who’s done nothing wrong. You think that’s normal?!

@Brightonkebab I don't agree with your take on it. 'cunts off'. Lovely!

I am thinking, thanks. And it’s telling that the son who’s been deprioritised since he was a teenager when his mum played happy family with her new kids isn’t putting in the effort when he’s been told again and again he isn’t that important. I wouldn’t either. She’s mad that he’s not spending his money on her and putting himself out for her when she’s not interested in finding a solution that would at least show he’s not an afterthought. She can’t have it both ways.

Might have felt neglected - probably the understanding rennet of the year here

Well I think the demographic on MN is often quite wealthy but in my circles, it would not be assumed that a parent could travel abroad to visit a child who is travelling. In fact, I never knew any of my generation who went travelling who expected this or had this.

If he'd moved to live a few hours away in the UK then yeah, sure, that's normal to want a visit. But when he's just flying around anyway and not got a base for more than a few months... No, it's not a reasonable expectation when your siblings are at school and your mother has no support.

But yes warmapples families are complicated for sure. Hope @Dinomore works it out. I think part of growing up is recognising that parents are human and get things wrong. Mine certainly did. But I still visit my elderly Mum as much as I can despite the inconvenience because I love her despite the things she got wrong which hurt me ...and there are many. I've done my best with my child but no doubt he'll tell me how I got things wrong too, one day.

Anyway, we are making assumptions. @Dinomore 's DS may well just be self absorbed in his travels and relationship as young people may be, and not giving his mum a thought...not some sort of acting out or deep seated resentment or anything!

@SodOffbacktoaibu I'm not sure 26 year olds on their own for the first time are known for being particularly reasonable, lol.

I'm just trying to look at it from his viewpoint - he was going through his GCSE's and A-levels when his mum met another man and had two new children - he then went off to university and went travelling, and his mum is stuck home with two siblings that he isn't really close to or interested in, and now those siblings are the reason she has no money and can't come out and see him in the way he probably hoped.

I know when I studied abroad both my parents made an effort to come and see me, even if only for a long weekend. I think I would have been pretty upset to be told my new siblings took priority and I just had to lump it - even though as an adult I know that's totally irrational, really.

The OP has mentioned a couple of times the work they're doing - he is an Editor and she is a translator. Nothing suggests any dossing or expectation of tax payer support. Just two young people, making the most of the fact that their degrees lined them up to do well paid jobs that can be done remotely.

I don’t believe the OP has ever said that she has told him he isn’t a priority?
Having more children is completely irrelevant - there are a thousand reasons why a parent might be unable to travel thousands of miles to see their adult child who has swanned off around the world.

You are clearly projecting your own insecurities on this situation. It isn’t reasonable for anyone moving away to expect that those left behind will be able to travel to see them. So yes it is completely on the DS to make arrangements to visit people.

I moved away from family 7 years ago. I do 90% of the travelling tomorrow visit. And fund it. Because I appreciate that it was me who moved and I cannot expect that anyone will want or be able to afford to travel to see me.

There is no suggestion that the DS couldn’t afford it. But he is choosing to deprioritise his family. That’s on him.

Hi OP, I can totally understand how you feel and you have every right to feel like that.
However as hard as it is, please see it as testament to the security of his love for you.
He is making use of an opportunity that is unlikely to be an option in afew years time.
He is in regular contact with you so please try not to over analyse.
Take care OP

I have no insecurities thanks very much 🤣. And I don’t know what you’re on about. It’s in her several posts. Reading comprehension helps.

The OP has said several times that the reason she has no money to spend visiting her son is because she’s a single mum to two younger children.

Oh wow So that's the way to live is is Spend your life being a wage slave so you have a decent pension when you get old and ill ( if you live that long)

Doesn't exactly sound appealing

There are a lot of people on here making huge assumptions and even creating unhappy teenage years full of neglect and resentment. There is obviously a chance that that is true but there is no evidence in what the OP has said to back that up. Furthermore, she has every right to remarry and have more children, that isn’t a crime and there are many blended families out there who are very happy. The fact that her partner left and has not been a present father doesn’t reflect badly on her, only on him.

That being said, from what I can tell her son hasn’t made her feel that she must visit him and he seems to be living a happy and exciting life which the OP should be pleased about (even if she understandably misses him). She is the one who wants a visit so unfortunately, she will either need to make it happen herself or make peace with the fact that she can’t have what she wants right now.

One person has mentioned that her son has two siblings that he isn’t close to or interested in which there is absolutely no evidence for. For all we know this lad does totally understand that his mum can’t afford to visit and cares deeply for his siblings but isn’t that upset because he’s on an adventure and enjoying himself.

Also, to all the people suggesting that they are drifting/dossing and implying that they are not paying their way; the OP herself has said multiple times that they are both in professional roles and earning money. You’re making yourselves angry about nothing.

OP don’t let all these comments get to you, I am sure you are a good and loving mother and a lot of these posts are full of made-up nonsense. However, please do try to appreciate that your son is on an adventure and he isn’t responsible for your happiness, so just make sure he knows you’re proud of him. Letting him feel that you are annoyed or disappointed will only push him further away but being positive and supportive will mean that he will look forward to catching up with you and updating you on his journey.

Following as in similar boat

And? It doesn’t matter what the reason is. 🤷🏻‍♀️
It wouldn’t be any different if the siblings were closer in age and she still couldn’t afford it!
By what you’re saying nobody should ever have more than one child in case said siblings inconvenience the first! What ridiculous and selfishness is this!

You said that the fact of her younger children was irrelevant in her not being able to afford to visit him. Clearly it’s not.

I think it’s profoundly selfish to bring a new man and more kids into the mix when your existing child is going into public exams. But hey, you reap what you sow.

What a very strange and cruel way of thinking

I think you need to improve your reading comprehension because that is not what I said. I said it doesn’t matter what the cause was not that the children are irrelevant.
You move away and it’s on you to do the traveling to visit - it’s not rocket science.
And I bet if the situation were reversed and it was the Op who had moved away you would still say it was her duty to do the traveling.
The reality is you’re judging her for having more children and not on her not being able to afford to travel. Which is not your place! You have zero idea about how her DS feels or felt about having siblings. You are projecting your own stuff on to the OPs situation which is neither true nor fair.