To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

[Dinomore]

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

I'm going to agree and disagreeba but when some of the posters. It is his life. It's wonderful that you brought him up in a way which is is allowing him to pursue his dreams.
But I think it's very unfair to day or isn't she you. If course it is! You are his mum!!
But we know that is too try to hold on you rightly it will have the opposite effect.
Do you do video calls with him? When my son met the women he would marry, but didn't know yet, we stayed having a weekly video call. One hour every Sunday. It was a great way for me to"visit'my son and it take, really helped my dil and myself form a very strong bond. I'm not up on all the apps, but I have made some video calls with" . Maybe to even a ten-minute call once a week while help.

Yep, it absolutely is.

Precisely.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, he sounds a bit self centered. When I moved abroad I called my parents weekly, sent WhatsApps nearly daily and budgeted to fly over and see them twice a year (summer + Christmas).

My brother is similar to your son though - he also moved abroad quite young but is in quite low contact with my parents. He says it's not due to anything they've done - they simply just don't interest him enough and he feels they have nothing to talk about. He then likes to complain that he's never in the loop about family affairs, without any appreciation that it's due to his own lack of effort 🙃

It is a money draining and unsustainable way to live. He probably wants to keep it going for as long as possible without paying for flights back home. Once the money runs out he will have to get a more steady job and I imagine he is putting that off for as long as possible. Living like a local is only fun whilst you can afford to stop living like a local.

Sorry you feel devastated your son hasn’t prioritised coming to visit you.

He might feel devastated that you haven’t prioritised him. And haven’t done for at least 9 years.

You definitely don’t sound as if you really consider him in your posts. He has inheritance and isn’t spending it on you…. But you have income and aren’t spending it on him. You are spending it and will continue to spend it on your other children.

You can be defensive and say your other children won’t get Christmas presents but that’s your choice. You are choosing not to bother to see him for 19 months and have no plans to do so in the future. You say you want to see him but aren’t making any effort for that to happen.

Mumsnet is awash with people at the moment who think their adult children owe them something. We don't own our kids, we choose to bring them in to the world to raise them to be independent and self sufficient and live their own lives.

The saying "A son is a son until he takes a wife, has a lot of truth in it.
Dbro visited DM every few months, usually encouraged by his lovely wife, we don't see him at all now DM has died.

BTW he's still a tourist 'living' somewhere for 4 - 8 weeks!

It sounds like he's very caught up in their adventures and it would be inconvenient for them to come home. And he doesn't have a strong enough sense of duty to push him to do it even if he'd rather go somewhere else. It's completely understandable that you're struggling. It's a really long time since you've seen him.

How old were you younger dc at this stage? Did you visit him much at uni? Did he still have a bedroom to come home to?

You’ve made holidays with you younger new a priority which is fine. But then why would you expect him to make visiting you a priority?

maybe he thinks calls and FaceTime are enough for you?
You all don’t have to go and see him you could go on your own on a long weekend when they’re in Europe.

Quite the brush off of how he may have been feeling. You don’t mention at what point you got together with your younger children’s now-absent father - maybe around when he was sitting his GCSEs? Might you guess he might have felt neglected then, too?

OP takes a cheap local trip for the yearly holiday, she cannot afford to fly.
Honestly OP, it is normal for your DC to fly away onto independence through their 20's.

At the end of the day, only you know whether you could genuinely find a way to visit your son or not - if you can’t, that’s fine, but he’s allowed to feel hurt by that.

Flying all over the place is a very modern way of life. My great grandfather emigrated to Australia in the 1930s and none of his family ever saw him again. They sent letters.

You've always prioritised your younger children over him and are now 'devastated' he prioritises his girlfriend over you? YABU. Maybe if you had been there for him when he was younger he'd be more inclined to make time for you now, but it sounds like you made yourself irrelevant by messing around with some rubbish man and starting a second family while he was still in his teens. No judgment, lots of people do the same thing and it may well be the best choice for them, but they can't expect it not to have any kind of impact on their relationship with their existing kids.

I’d be more worried if he was clinging on to you at 26, this is all normal stuff. It does hurt though. Watch the wild robot and bawl your eyes out. I think you did a good job, if he is happy then you should be happy.

I was a bit like this in my 20s but it doesn't last. I'd be a bit more worried what the long term plans are - is he saving any money or just living off existing money (which won't last forever)...needs to be thinking about investing for his future....get him on some financial planning courses or buy him some books about investing. If he is of the generation that isn't interested in property (can't blame them as the housing market is so bad) then needs to invest long term in the stock marketat least in a global low or no fee global index tracker. Invest regular small amounts and leave it alone, let the market do its thing (which it should over the next 20 years with emerging new tech).

Compound interest is the 8th wonder of the world and if you are in your 20s you have all the time ahead to take advantage of it. There's a good book called How to Own The World aimed at his age group on this.

No judgement 👀. That's not remotely the tone of your post 😂

This thread is nuts.

So we have all done a good job if our children leave in their twenties and don't give a shit about their own mothers as long as they are "living their best lives".

Have we really done a good job if our kids are so utterly self absorbed they don't have any regard to how their mum might feel?

Then the sanctimonious comments and judgement about her having other kids or not flying out to see him when she cannot afford it in either time nor money. If he can be flying around the world every few weeks, he can pop back to see her. It must really hurt.

Maybe there is an issue in their relationship. I hope not. I feel for @Dinomore .

I do not think it's at all normal to only see your parents once every few years. Months, yes. Years, no.

It's not an either or. Either failing to launch and clinging to parents or flying to the other side of the world and not looking back.

Then the sanctimonious comments and judgement about her having other kids or not flying out to see him when she cannot afford it in either time nor money. If he can be flying around the world every few weeks, he can pop back to see her. It must really hurt.

I think the comments about her new children are because they're the reason she can't go out and visit him. From his viewpoint, he was replaced by a new family and now his mum doesn't have the time or money to see him at all.

Yes that leapt out at me too. They're nowhere long enough to make friends ir connections

Unclear whether they have real jobs that pay £ to support their lifestyle

All well and good people saying they shoukd follow their dream, but in this / future financial climate, people will need to fund their own lifestyle, not doss around on holiday for years then expect taxpayers to fund their retirement cos they were too much of a free spirit to set up a pension

I spent 6 months backpacking after college, and it's only now that I have my own DC that I realise how concerned my parents must have been at the idea of me and my equally clueless friend heading off to Asia - we rang home nearly every week! And of course I never would have thought for a moment that they'd have missed me!

I think your son very likely doesn't realise that you miss him, he figures you're busy with your younger kids and don't think of him that often. I think it's OK to tell him that it would be lovely to see him, and ask when he plans on being back in the UK, or Europe, next so you can see him , just don't say you're miserable without him, guilt is too corrosive a reason to keep in touch! Can you look into visiting just by yourself? Look at Skyscanner and see if there are any cheaper flights to his next few locations.

You've obviously raised a great young man, but I do hope you get to see him soon.

@warmapplepies I think that's a bit of a presumption? Is it really normal to assume a parent can fly out and visit when you are hopping around the world? Has he even suggested it?

I don't think he has any right to feel put out that his single mother parent can't visit him. He would know this before going to Bogata or Vancouver or wherever. I doubt he's thinking this way at all.

And @Brightonkebab ...I can't even..... "Massive narcissist". For looking after her other kids and not having loads of money and caring that she hasn't seen her eldest in a year and a half....Good grief.