Daughter going to uni - can't stop crying

[ForRealMember]

My eldest daughter is heading to uni and I can't stop crying.(I am trying my best to hide it from her). She is excited but nervous and I am so proud of her. I just feel grief and panic even though she will come back to visit. I have a lovely husband, lovely younger daughter and friends but I am still so upset. Is this normal?

It's entirely reasonable.
It's the worst pain I experienced as a parent. Mine went six years ago, she was a covid student and had to come back for a while. By the time she went back to uni, we'd all had enough of each other.
It seems so painful and they seem so young but she's spreading her wings and it's right for her.
((((Hugs))))
For the record, I strongly encouraged by next two to stay home for uni. Middle is now almost 22 and ready to leave and I'm accepting that it's time for get to go, it feels much more gentle than 'losing' them at 18.

Empty nest syndrome is horrible. You'll very quickly get use to it. Let's you see who the messy one is out of your girls. You will feel better soon.

It just goes so fast, doesn't it? Just as you've adjusted to each new phase along comes this enormous one! It feels so permanent.

But the holidays are LONG. And they come round pretty quick. Make a plan to visit (6 weeks in is a good time, they've had chance to adjust and settle). Then it'll only be 6 weeks ish till she's home for Christmas for the best part of a month.

And this bit is lovely. You get to see them changing and maturing and you learn how to forge a different kind of relationship.

It'll get easier.

Kindly, get a grip. Surely this is what we all want for our children ? To go out and forge a life for themselves and become more independent.

It is fine to be very sad but you are hiding it which is what is needed as this time is all about her so well done.

I know exactly how you feel. I drop my oldest DS off this week.
I’ve been in denial as it seemed so far away but now it’s imminent, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been kidding myself that I’m fine then I woke up feeling utterly devastated the other morning and had a big cry to H.
Haven’t let on to DS how sad I am as I want him to concentrate on settling in and having a great time. It’s really hard, isn’t it?
Big hugs

Oh OP I was exactly the same ! Excited for them but so sad, which I tried to hide . I would never have discouraged them from going though, if that’s what they wanted to do.
I still get a bit teary putting my youngest back on the train to London , and she’s lived there for 10 years now!
It’s so lovely seeing them develop into fully fledged adults . I still love it when they come home though!

This was me last year. I sniffed his pillow when we got back from dropping him off! It’s hard but you will adjust. It’s brilliant to see them growing and thriving and having adventures.

It’s perfectly normal. Happy for them heading off, spreading their wings and onto the next stage of their lives but yet, mourning the end of an era, your chick leaving the nest.

Make a plan now that you’ll visit her, even just for lunch, in five or six weeks time. There will always be a little pang of sadness when saying goodbye but you need to embrace the next stage of your own life too.

It’s normal to be upset, of course it is . But the ‘can’t stop crying’ is perhaps troubling if you are doing that in front of her. I cried in anticipation of mine leaving home for uni, but not in front of him. Only when I dropped my son off at uni and had to get in the car and drive away, did I weep. I would say that although I missed him, knowing he was happy meant I soon got over it and I didn’t pine for him at all.

Perfectly normal I was exactly liked this with my son going off to Uni. He is almost about to leave home and start his first job having had a fantastic time at Uni and we all survived. It does get easier but at first it is like being bereaved and a feeling like someone has ripped your heart out. Keep busy and you will all be fine.

U

This is awful, you strongly encouraged them to stay at home for uni, not because of their need because of yours. We raise our children to go out into the world not to keep them.
My parents waved me off with a smile I know my mum was a bit sad but they encouraged me to do what was best for me, I went to the other end of the country and was the first person in my family to go to university so it was a big deal. I did move back in for 18 months after I graduated and still see them regularly even now. I wouldn't if they'd tried to strongly encourage me to do what was best for them not me.

Kindly, get a grip yourself and be aware it’s perfectly normal to be excited and happy for your child to be heading off to Uni and leaving home for the first time but also sad and tearful that they’re going. You’ll see ever second parent at Uni drop-off struggling to hold back tears.

No op, not normal, yes a bit sad your baby is leaving but not crying. Time to have a word with your rational brain! I’ve been there, seen my babies leave and they are flying , I’ve done my job. Lovely to see them though

Did you really mean to imply that you encouraged your younger children to stay at home for uni because it was easier for you?

OP, kindly, it's sad but really not the end of the world. It's a new phase for all of you. I've had 4 go off to university and while I do miss them, it's been really good for them. I'm embracing the freedom and having less cleaning and tidying to do!

I don't know how "normal" it is, but can only say I did not feel this when my 3 went off to uni. I was proud of them and knew we would be in touch lots - and that they would have interesting tales to tell.

They were back soon enough with their bags of washing!

I hope your DD settles in and has a wonderful time.

‘Can’t stop crying’ and ‘doing your best’ to hide it is not normal, no.
Pull yourself together.
You do not own your children.
They have their adult lives to lead. It will be hard for your child to move to Uni.
Do not make it all about you.

Phantom umbilical pain is real. Totally understandable, but try and focus on the positives. I blubbed both times when I dropped off my children. It's that fear that you can't helicopter them any more.

Perfectly normal feelings OP. When my eldest left I kept it all together as much as I could but as soon as I got in the car I cried waving at him. I did the same with my second. He checked with me after to make sure I cried after waving him off (didn’t want to feel left out). I assured him I did cry and he was happy with that 😁

I will feel just as gutted when he’s back next week for his second year.

I don’t to want to minimise how you’re feeling @ForRealMemberbut I would do anything to have a child going off to university along with her peers. Another poster says it’s the worst pain they experienced as a parent and while I understand it is really hard I’m sorry to say, from experience, that there is a worse pain as a parent.

From the minute they’re born we’re teaching them how to operate in the world and this is another of those large strides forward. In many ways I think this is the hardest bit of being a parent; when your child is a young adult and you can’t jump in and save them and they’re still very much learning. Be happy she is taking this large stride forward. Before you know it she will be home with a large bag of laundry.

It’s normal to feel sad and I feel for you. But I’m really envious of you too.

I dropped my ds at uni on Wednesday. I held it together perfectly well, even saying goodbye. I was fine all the journey home. Then I walked into our house and it hit me. I had a good sob. It’s perfectly normal to miss the human that you birthed and raised. My ds was very much living his own life before he left, he was out a lot. Yet our house still feels weirdly empty- and I have 3 younger kids!!

I’m so massively proud of him, but I worry because he has health issues and that’s an added level of concern.
it does get slightly easier each day though, I love hearing from him and he certainly seems to have already thrown himself into the social side. But I can’t pretend I haven’t had little cries regularly for the last 3 days- when I saw his empty room, his drinks in the fridge, his t-shirt in the washing. I just miss him and I think that’s perfectly normal

Very normal - I’m not at this stage quite yet but I’m sure I’ll feel v emotional.

Do your crying in the shower! I only very recently found out my mum came home from dropping me off at Uni and sat in my room weeping. I’m 50 now.

Agreed. Kahlil Gibran is instructive here:

Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself
They come through you but not from you
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you

Yes it’s normal! You will feel better tomorrow!