Daughter going to uni - can't stop crying

[ForRealMember]

My eldest daughter is heading to uni and I can't stop crying.(I am trying my best to hide it from her). She is excited but nervous and I am so proud of her. I just feel grief and panic even though she will come back to visit. I have a lovely husband, lovely younger daughter and friends but I am still so upset. Is this normal?

You need to stop. I was going through chemo when my daughter left for college. She helped me a lot. I was very sick but told her she needed to live her life like your daughter needs to live hers. Don't make her sad or guilty.

It is so bittersweet, but they're fledging and we've done a good job raising them if they have the confidence to leave and it's our job to let them go (even if we get a bit teary). Our eldest DD moved away again for her new job 2 months ago. We met up halfway for lunch today and it's just so lovely to catch up in person and see her blossoming into a fabulous young woman.

I’m going through chemo now. Have been since February. When DD tells me she feels guilty for going out, I give her a stern talking to. I tell her, she can get sad if she wants because sadness is a normal human emotion and that’s okay. But, she must live her life as she sees fit.

Good grief - do you mean you got them to stay home because you’d be upset? If so, that is truly horrible! What a terrible thing to do to your young adult DC.

I wanted my DC to go to Uni further afield, experience life in halls etc but they both chose to stay home. I really wouldn’t have cried when they left or anything - I’d have been delighted they were spreading their wings.

DS moved out just under 2 years ago and DD will be moving out soon - I can’t wait to have the house to myself (and DH) and to enjoy them visiting us and us visiting them. I definitely don’t experience empty nest syndrome.

@Duechristmas for you it may be the worst pain you’ve experienced as a parent but as you can see on this thread there are many parents who have suffered bereavement or are supporting children with significant additional needs.

DS2 is legally blind (he has some useable vision). He has lost his vision fairly recently due to a genetic condition that manifests in young adulthood. That was traumatic but I know parents who have faced worse struggles even than that.

Communication options are so much better than when I was at Uni. Yesterday DS2 face timed me so I could help him to work out how to turn the hob on. We worked it out and he cooked for himself which is as much a learning experience as any of his lectures. (I was glad I’d got him a talking food thermometer from RNIB - one less thing to worry about!!).

Please stop! You’re potentially ruining a very exciting time for your daughter, it also comes across a bit emotionally blackmail-y and manipulative and makes it all about you instead of all about her. Be happy for your daughter, she will need you for years yet.

I stayed at home when I did my degree but moved 40 miles away to do my post graduate qualification when I was 21. Apparently my mum cried all the way home!

Totally normal! My youngest left last Saturday and I sobbed all the way home after settling her in. My DH dropped in to see her after dropping my eldest off at her uni and was told he had to leave as she was getting ready to go out clubbing!
I was sooooo relieved. It’s a hard time but they’ll be fine. 💐

@ForRealMember have a look on facebook for a lovely group called WIWIKAU, (what i wish i knew about university) its a lovely community of parents on there. Very supportive, great for advise, any questions that will crop up along the way, it really is all on there. My eldest has just started year 3 and it was so hard to begin with but it honestly does get easier. be kind to yourself xx

WIWIKAU is full of overbearing mothers. Honestly I thought the education boards on MN were hard going until I went on there. My brain was blown at some of the things they do and say, full of neurotic, overbearing Mother mainly. I had to delete it quickly

It’s the worst pain a parent can experience.

For real? DD 21 yo best friend was killed a few weeks ago. Her parents would do anything to be dropping her back to Uni this week. That is pain, get a grip FFS!

OP, it is wonderful that your dd has this opportunity. Support her and be happy for her.
My eldest son died suddenly, a few days later my dd went to university 5 hours away. I encouraged and supported her to go because her future is important.
My plea to every parent sending their dc off to university is to make sure they do a basic first aid course. My son would be alive if his friend had known the very simple process of placing him in the recovery position. I live with that every day.

I wouldn’t bother responding to this thread. It’s yet another AIBU from a three word user name who then never returns.

It really is a very strange world in WIWIKAU. Absolutely obsession over aspect of these young adults and their new friendships and living arrangements and no concept of letting them actually find their own feet.

I keep my membership of it as I have a professional interest but also because it's like a car crash you can't not watch.

But she hasn't got an empty nest...

I think you need to give your head a wobble. I think it's normal to feel a bit emotional but this reaction you describe is absolutely not the norm.

Also, check your privelegde. I have disabled children who never will leave the house and be independent (so probs have a slightly different view on things) but it is mind-blowing for me that someone could be so upset about a child doing well, and being independent starting adult life and going off to uni. Bonkers.

It was normal for me. I took up dancing lessons to fill the time. He was horrified when he came home and found I was out three. evenings a week. Not only did the exercise do me good it meant husband and other two kids were each responsible for sorting out an evening meal once a week.

It’s normal but I can’t relate. I was excited for mine. I raised them to be independent because ultimately that’s what a normal parent wants for their children. My DH sheds a tear every time he drops my dd back at uni and I partly find it sweet but I also partly think get a grip!

Frankly, with young adults, I'd rather not know!

I'll find out if necessary!

YANBU. It's awful, and the biggest change you'll have had in a very long time! It's a massive shift for all of you, and your DD will probably be quite scared too, even if she's putting a brave face on things and seeming outwardly excited.

But I promise you right now, you will get used to it, it will become your new normal.

And, almost definitely, she will be back! Not just in the holidays, but when she graduates.

Think of this as a bit of a practice for when she leaves home for good.. but this isn't it. Not just yet :).

Not something I've experienced, was happy for mine to be progressing with their lives and extra free time to myself but I've heard of mothers ( never fathers tbh) getting all upset

Not sure why as surely we bring them up to be independent

This may be normal but wrong. Be grateful for her opportunities and her health. She'll always be your daughter, wherever she is. Keeping in touch is so easy these days too.

To all the people telling the OP to 'get a grip' and that its 'not normal' could you try to be a bit less rude/insensitive?!

There is no such thing as normal. Everybody deals with things in different ways so just because you didnt cry when your child went to university, doesnt mean its abnormal for OP, and anyone else, to 'be unable to stop crying'.

My daughter moved to university 10 days ago and I cried a lot - mostly before she went. Not because I hadn't prepared her for adult life. She is strong, independent and mature. I cried because the start of her new chapter means the end of a chapter for me... and quite simply I will miss her.

Please don't try to make people feel bad for feeling what they are feeling!

@ForRealMember I am 10 days into this new chapter and it is already easier than it was 10 days ago... it gets easier everytime I hear from her and know that she is happy (that's all we really want for our children isn't it?) My advice for you... try to keep busy... it helped me to be distracted ❤️

you know it's that attitude that means so many kids nowadays have no resilience whatsoever.

Going all "poor you" and patting on the back helps no one.

What attitude is that?