Daughter going to uni - can't stop crying

[ForRealMember]

My eldest daughter is heading to uni and I can't stop crying.(I am trying my best to hide it from her). She is excited but nervous and I am so proud of her. I just feel grief and panic even though she will come back to visit. I have a lovely husband, lovely younger daughter and friends but I am still so upset. Is this normal?

Completely normal. Don’t worry - it’s exciting but you will miss them very much! Mine stayed at home for uni (financial reasons) but moved cities when he got his first proper job and he was 23. I’m close to him - I sobbed after he’d left, and had to make sure not to call and text all the time as I knew he needed to be independent and spread his wings.

I feel happy knowing he can cook and clean and look after himself and his home and I’m proud at the lovely man he has become. Doesn’t mean I still get teary when I see him and then leave - just make sure he doesn’t see it (and I say this as someone who did similar to him and whenever I say goodbye to my mum she weeps and hollers before I leave and it’s heartbreaking to see so I make sure I never do the same). You will find things to fill your time and she will miss you too, but will enjoy uni and her new found freedom. You’ll never stop being her mum.

It is normal to feel some sadness.
Despite what people are saying it is NOT normal to be unable to stop crying. To be that extreme. And actually quite sad for the young person. This is their big adventure. Don’t spoil it.

Get a grip and stop babying your child. It’s the next stage of life. That’s it.

It is not normal to make a huge life step all about you as the parent. It is weird and selfish.

My best advice is to strongly resist all thoughts along the lines of 'end of an era', 'let go', 'leaving' etc. They sound big and life changing and a frightening cliff edge. In reality you're likely looking at a process of gradual changes, some of which will be temporary. Try to think in more 'little picture' ways. So rather than 'DD has gone!' It's DD isn't here again until November (say) so I'll be keeping in touch, and getting on with enjoying the other parts if my life in the meantime.

I'm crying because my DS is not going to university and is not thriving whatsoever. He's 23, has schizophrenia, has never worked, school was a disaster. We've just returned from psychiatric a&e because his new medication does not seem to be working as expected.

The “selfish” comments are not nice at all.

I was exactly what I knew my ds would want me to be whilst around him. I was hugely proud, positive and encouraging. I AM all of those things. He hasn’t seen any of the tears. He made a joke saying he would expect tears but not that he has to witness, and that’s what’s happened!
It’s totally possible to be proud, thankful and happy for your kids AND sad for you because you miss them. That doesn’t mean you’re making it about you.

Jesus Christ women
its not fucking normal
pull yourself together

Inhave a daughter who is non verbal who will never leave my care and I will leave her when I die to fend for herself in a world full of abusers. I regularly have to pull myself together as I consider never having a night off, never not worrying, never not having to step up.

You have a daughter who is going to fucking University to start her adult life.

be sad but pull yourself together

Blimey calm down 😆 she will be back.

Completely agree. My parents encouraged me to go away for university and to be confident in myself. I always had a home to come back to and their support. The idea of encouraging my DC to not take that step and to stay at home just for my comfort is really awful.

You feel how you feel! Embrace it. It will get better.
I've never felt this way although I absolutely adore my kids. I'd be thrilled they were heading off to live their own life and excited for them. They are not our possessions to keep forever.

Not quite the same though is it? The OP said she ‘cannot stop crying’ and is ‘trying her best’ to not show it. This means she is not always successfully managing.

What you are describing is normal. What the OP is describing is extreme.

You need to find a way to reframe it a bit. You’ve raised a child who is confident and capable enough to go to university. They are learning new life skills in a structured and supportive environment surrounded by young people of the same age. DS1 came back after UG to do his Masters so was back home. DS2 has just gone and I get a pang when I go into his room but I know that’s about me not him.

I am so sorry for the challenges you and your DS are facing. It must be really tough.
💐

For OURS, we pushed dd1 away because society told us that what should happen, it . Dd2 was allowed to grow and fly at her own pace. It was definitely the right thing. She has her great job, her wonderful boyfriend, amazing friends, and she just graduated with a first. The historic tradition of pushing your children away is unnecessary.

Ahhh all of this. Wishing you well, you really will get used to it very quickly.

Did you anticipate this?

Because I do and I have a plan already and my kid's only 10

If you did anticipate it surely you'd have made a plan?
If not then it must be awful as it's also a huge shock. But quickly, join a group or take up a new hobby, start a course or get a job or something.

It's not pushing them away to support what they want.

It is controlling to strongly encourage them to stay at home for uni when that might not be what they want. Which is what was described in the post I quoted

Controlling.
That's hilarious, if you knew my kids, you'd know NOBODY controls them. They are very much their own women.

This time last year I was exactly the same, crying a lot and very anxious. I'm not going to lie it took me months to get used to it and would panic if he didn't respond to my messages. However, this time I'm totally fine that he's gone, even secretly looking forward to it due to the mess that he makes. Have a good cry and I hope it helps that others feel like that too.

Sorry to tell you this but that was your choice. Even if there was societal pressure to push your kids away, which I don't believe there is, you could still have ignored it.

Bit weird really but I'm sure your older child benefited in different ways. I left home at 17 and don't regret it. I still see my parents all the time too. I loved being independent.

You can’t help how you feel,although you should try and hide that from your DD
My Dd went away to Uni at 17 and I didn’t feel sad at all
I was proud of her and happy for her
She had an amazing experience
My DS went the following year
My DC1 died and I think that gives me a different perspective on things

I think you quoted the wrong person

Just try and keep the tears away when she is there. I had to stop the car after leaving DS! But I held it together so I didn't ruin his excitement.

Our kids make their own choices.
It doesn't make you a better person because your child chooses uni or where your child chooses uni.
Most 18 year olds don't go, and of those that do, a quarter stay home. In our home town, which has a large, highly rated university, half the students are local.
All kids grow into adults and 99% will leave home. Pushing them sooner isn't something to belittle others about. What a strange thing to get your knickers in a twist about.