Daughter going to uni - can't stop crying

[ForRealMember]

My eldest daughter is heading to uni and I can't stop crying.(I am trying my best to hide it from her). She is excited but nervous and I am so proud of her. I just feel grief and panic even though she will come back to visit. I have a lovely husband, lovely younger daughter and friends but I am still so upset. Is this normal?

Meant to quote @Duechristmas

They'll be back at Christmas...
Unless you're part of the other half of MN who think that at 18yo they should be packed off and their room given immediately away to someone else and if they insist on coming back, they can sleep on the sofa because they're adults.

WOW! You sound unhinged

Ill never experience my kids going to uni and that breaks my heart. But you knowingly restricted your kids from something that could have benefitted them. I cant even understand that

I can't say I felt particularly sad, no. Maybe it's because they are boys? I think their dad missed their presence more, he really missed having male company in the house - someone to watch/talk about football with, and boring computer stuff. Maybe if they had been girls I'd have missed them more as we might have had shared TV programmes etc we watched together, or I mgiht have felt lonely on shopping trips or missed having fashion advice or something?

I just felt that it was the right time for them to strike out on their own a bit (and do their own washing and cleaning and cooking!). They both seemed happy to go away so that made it easier. The youngest I think had been a bit bored being the only young person left in the house without his brother so he was very happy to go when it came to his turn. We live in a university city so they were already pretty streetwise and independent and had social lives out in town till all hours etc . So I wasn't worried that they'd find city life daunting etc. I knew that the internet would be a HUGE help with regards to them finding out all the info they would need easily, and that staying in touch with them would be super easy compared to 1991 when I went and didn't even have easy access to a landline, never mind factime.

I DID feel extremely worried for the first few weeks and I was very very anxious and constantly wondering if they were ok and not miserable, if they'd made friends, if they were managing/liking their course, if they were getting enough sleep and decent food etc.

But I wasn't a sobbing mess when we dropped them off, no. I was just proud that we had all got to that point, relieved that life was turning out well for them so far, and they were lucky to be able to be off being independent. I was excited for them that they were off on the next leg of their exciting journey into adulthood and I think that rubbed off on them a bit and helped them feel more confident that they could do it.

I think I'd already previously experienced the "grief" of them not needing me anymore bit by bit over a number of years - the first time they didn't seem excited to come out to the park with me, or when they wanted to go and see a film on their own with their mates rather than with me etc. This was particlarly exacerbated for me as I've always worked in schools so they were my company during school holidays and we often went out and about together so it was sad when they started to pull away from wanting to do that when they were around 12 or 13. So by uni time, I was very ready for them to go.

I love seeing them during the holidays but am happy when they take their mess and washing and different waking hours back to uni with them!

I can see there are other parents of kids who may never experience independence, im the same xx

DD is at Sheffield and has a reading week early November so came home then last year and is planning to do the same this year. Not all unis have a reading week but it can be handy.

I cried (after drop off) and felt sad when DS1 left, but I was also excited/proud of and for him....I think what I was actually mourning was the 'loss' of our family dynamic - we have four children and I was a SAHM for most of their childhoods....for a couple of weeks afterwards I would find myself laying the table for 6 and then having a little cry...but then we all adjusted, and then when DD left, I was sad, but less tearful....DS2 and 3 are currently planning their uni journeys and I'm excited for them.

As others have said, the holidays are long, they are home more than you think....I think I will really struggle once they are employed and living elsewhere though ..!! The thought of a totally empty nest is scary - and exciting at the same time!!

It's not pushing them away. If they have doubts about going away to uni it's our job as a parent to help them explore the options, and to talk through their concerns about the going away option to reassure them. And then it's their decision. It would be pushing them away to tell them they can't live in the house anymore if they want to study at a local university. It's not pushing them away to highlight to them the benefits of going away.

It was a year ago yesterday that we dropped DD off at Uni and she is now happily settled into a house with some friends for Y2
She is great and happy and we have just about adjusted to being a family of 3 most of the time BUT I miss her daily, my heart breaks every time leaves after a visit and I do sometimes shed a tear when I go into her room and see all her stuff gone.
It gets easier but its never the same

I can't grasp that at all. You can't keep them at home forever! Are you always going to cry when you're waving her off from visiting your house even when she's 40, with her own family? Keep her bedroom unchanged with all her childhood teddies on the bed?

Life is a series of little journeys and changes. We can't cling to the past. Look forward with happiness, not backwards with sadness.

💐I'm so sorry.
I remember when my friends brother died and overhearing their mum saying what was upsetting her most at that point were all the things that he wouldn't grown up to go on and do. I didn't understand what she meant then (we were all really young) but a couple of years ago when I had to attend the funeral of a teenage relative her words came flooding back to me and I really get them now.

Get a grip. You are being ridiculous. Can't believe people think this is normal behaviour.

Yes, absolutely! I felt like I had a big hole in my chest (think ‘Death becomes her’ (Meryl Streep & Goldie Hawn)), which lasted for about 6 weeks! For me, having phone location settings on (with my dc’s permission), meant I could see them moving about, or being in their room, or in the dining hall, or in lectures / library), and it really helped me feel close to them. We also scheduled a weekly Zoom call on a Sunday, which really helped as well.

Those parents saying watching their child spread their wings and go off into semi-independence as 'the worst pain they felt as a parent" or like a "bereavement " must have lived immensely lucky lives.

I miss my kids when they go off to uni - I will especially miss my daughter when it's her turn, she's my little buddy - but it's bittersweet. It's much more painful having a young person who has never been able to go to uni, never been able to work, has high level PIP and a social care package and who I worry will never live independently and will die alone in abject poverty once we are gone. Waving my other kids off to uni is a joy and a privilege, albeit painful for us parents.

This was me last year. Saying goodbye then crying all the way back to the car. Sat in total silence for the four hour drive home. I was really, really sad for a good couple of weeks, then got a bit more used to it. She went back two weeks ago for start of second year, and I was really sad for the few days before, having really enjoyed the summer with her here, but actually once she’d gone, it was fine (I’m quite glad I couldn’t take her, so we just said goodbye at home and I didn’t have to do the walking away) and thankfully she messages or calls almost every day.

Kindly, what an irritating comment.

This!

Kindly? My foot! Get a grip? You’ve just invalidated OP’s feelings.

This!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Yes, another mum of an autistic son who will likely never live independently of us, or without some form of support. I wish he was heading of to uni for an exciting start to his life, but at 18 can't even manage to go to the shop on his own. I LOVE having him at home and he is an absolute delight, but I wish it were different for his sake.

I’m so sorry. I’m sure you’d give anything to be in the same boat as the OP. 💐

I also have a child who will never go to uni and will never live independently. His additional needs are severe. It doesn’t mean I’m not sad that my eldest has gone to uni though.
I think what I’m trying to say is you can be proud and excited for them and know it’s a privilege but still be sad and miss them at the same time. I think It’s ok to be all those things.

Kahlil Giblets can fk all the way off. My son is absolutely mine. I made him and I nurtured him all the way to adulthood. He will go off into the world with my love and blessings but he's mine forever in my heart.

it’s the worst pain they experienced as a parent
might be true for this poster, but categorically not true for anyone I know 😂

The first day of Primary School, when they start Reception and look so small is a bit of a shock, and the end of an era. (nowhere near as the "worst pain ever" anyway 😂)

Uni?
Feels like they're going on holiday with friends! (a VERY expensive holiday). With internet and social media, we're in touch all the time anyway when they feel they need to communicate, they have holidays all the time and it's getting your freedom back.

I always assume it's a temporary thing, it's always possible they come back to live at home when they first start working, and THAT will be hard, now they have a taste of independence.