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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter going to uni - can't stop crying

209 replies

ForRealMember · 20/09/2025 10:39

My eldest daughter is heading to uni and I can't stop crying.(I am trying my best to hide it from her). She is excited but nervous and I am so proud of her. I just feel grief and panic even though she will come back to visit. I have a lovely husband, lovely younger daughter and friends but I am still so upset. Is this normal?

OP posts:
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 22/09/2025 09:13

I was exactly the same. I took both of mine this weekend and I was quietly crying to myself for weeks.
I am so proud of them and happy that they are
doing what they want but it’s so emotional.
I can say from experience of when my eldest went first time last year that the build up to them going is far worse than once they have actually gone.
I am now looking forward to seeing them when they come back.
The tears will stop OP and you will be fine soon x

Nannyfannybanny · 22/09/2025 09:18

My cousin's ds was murdered,that's grief. Bad enough to have a child die in an accident, but to have one deliberately killed. People crying, because they stopped breast feeding,or the childs first day at school! I don't recognise this generation,thank goodness my dks and gks aren't like this.

dcthatsme · 22/09/2025 09:38

Nannyfannybanny · 22/09/2025 09:18

My cousin's ds was murdered,that's grief. Bad enough to have a child die in an accident, but to have one deliberately killed. People crying, because they stopped breast feeding,or the childs first day at school! I don't recognise this generation,thank goodness my dks and gks aren't like this.

I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin’s child - that is beyond terrible. Of course a child leaving home is to be celebrated and any sadness felt is tinged with joy. It’s nothing like what your cousin and family have gone through but I have to say this is quite an extreme comparison - I don’t think anyone would remotely put these types of situations in the same category. Some people are just more emotional than others. Yes it’s a generational thing but it’s also a personality / cultural thing too.

Emptynester67 · 22/09/2025 10:00

My daughter didn't move out going to college, luckily she was able to stay living at home. But when she was moving to her own house I cried bitter for days, I was broken hearted. It almost felt like mourning a loss. You'll learn to live with the situation after the initial sadness. Best of luck to her in her studies❤️

Hoppinggreen · 22/09/2025 10:08

Nannyfannybanny · 22/09/2025 09:18

My cousin's ds was murdered,that's grief. Bad enough to have a child die in an accident, but to have one deliberately killed. People crying, because they stopped breast feeding,or the childs first day at school! I don't recognise this generation,thank goodness my dks and gks aren't like this.

I think that this idea that because something worse happened to someone nobody is allowed to be sad about anything is ridiculous.
Children are dying on a daily basis in Gaza but that doesn't mean we can be a bit sad about our DC leaving home for Uni or whatever

Enigma54 · 22/09/2025 10:10

DD has just gone back, following a very long summer break. I’ve enjoyed having her home, she’s great company and has a close relationship with DS (17.5). Yesterday I waved her off on the train for her third year. I didn’t cry, I was happy that shes so independent and grown up now. We will see each other in 3 weeks at my parents and then it’s reading week. The first term of the first term was tough, but it gets easier.

JasmineTea11 · 22/09/2025 10:15

I was exactly the same and was a bit blindsided by it. I burst into tears in front of my neighbour when they asked me how I was, and again when I dropped DS at train station! I was shaky for a few days, but it passed. You'll be OK OP.

NonstopMam · 22/09/2025 11:24

I am 2.5 weeks in to sending my eldest DD off to uni and I can report it's got better. The biggest thing to adjust to now is not knowing everything about her life any more, like what she has for tea, etc. It's hard not speaking to her every day (as she doesn't always answer her phone!) but I am excited for her and the fun she's having. I don't cry when I go in her room any more either. Big hugs.

YourWinter · 22/09/2025 11:44

You raise them to become adults who’ll - shocking! - leave home. Don’t be a drama queen. Other parents of first year students aren’t all falling apart, surely?

Nannyfannybanny · 22/09/2025 14:12

People aren't talking about being a bit sad,it's sackcloth ashes renting.

Nannyfannybanny · 22/09/2025 14:35

I also have a ds with RCBPD, mostly he can't get out of his door
.I might well have cried tears of joy if he could have even sustained having a job. I was nursing over 40 years, I saw things that would break most people.

Hopingtobeaparent · 22/09/2025 15:03

TheGoodEnoughWife · 20/09/2025 11:09

‘Can’t stop crying’ and ‘doing your best’ to hide it is not normal, no.
Pull yourself together.
You do not own your children.
They have their adult lives to lead. It will be hard for your child to move to Uni.
Do not make it all about you.

@ForRealMember Kindly, OP, sort of this…

Normal to be sad and emotional, sure, but the level seems disproportionate. Do you normally feel emotions so strongly? Is there something else going on for you? What are you fearing the most?

This step is probably hard enough for them too, please don’t make it worse by making them feel guilty for going….

Focus on your life, and your other child/children. Don’t potentially hold them back by seeing how much you are struggling with it.

Hopingtobeaparent · 22/09/2025 15:11

herbaceous · 20/09/2025 15:09

You know when people say something like 'kindly, get a grip'? They don't mean 'kindly' at all. They mean 'my eyes are rolling at your patheticness'.

We all know that our job is to raise happy, functional kids who can go off into the world without a backwards glance, but surely it doesn't make it any less painful when they go and do just that? When they've been central to our lives for 18 years?

Mine isn't even due to go for another two years, and I already well up at the thought. I'd imagine that invites even more derision, but IDGAF.

@herbaceous

I’m sure for some this may be true, however, for the record, I’m a psychological therapist, so when I say kindly… I do mean it. I’m sure others do too.

RampantIvy · 22/09/2025 15:21

I remember feeling apprehensive when DD went to university.

Would she make friends? Would she struggle with the course? Would she be bullied? Luckily it was yes, no and no.

I knew I would miss her, but by the time she went after a gap year, our lives weren't so intertwined that it was the emotional wrench it seems to be for some people.

Also, as older parents it was essential for us that DD would become independent and self sufficient.

Baninarama · 22/09/2025 15:34

I've felt slightly sad for a few minutes when each of mine has left, but you've got to concentrate on the happy part - they are getting so many great life chances by doing this. They're meeting new people and learning new things.. and you'll still be needed for advice when the washing machine packs up or they don't know which ticket is better value etc. If anything, I'm slightly envious - university is great fun (unlike work - ugh). Be happy for her and get a grip! She hasn't moved to Australia.

FunnysInLaJardin · 22/09/2025 15:43

@ForRealMember I started a very similar thread this time last year, I felt devastated that he was leaving.

A year in and he's just gone back for yr 2.

What has saved me is that we still speak most days and I am still involved with his life - very different to when I left home in the 1980's!

Kielys72 · 22/09/2025 16:23

Wow! There are some horrible responses on here. Not everyone can switch their emotions off. I love my daughter with all my heart and if someone was to make me feel guilty for that, well… *breathes heavily through nose.
Good luck OP I’m sure it’ll be grand and your relationship will strengthen. 🤗💐

Nannyfannybanny · 22/09/2025 17:12

Sometimes you have to switch off your emotions,I would have been useless while nursing otherwise
.a friend of 40 years,saw her ds,join the Army, and go off to Helmand
We supported her, she didn't fall about weeping, she was worried about him naturally.

Nannyfannybanny · 22/09/2025 17:16

I wonder what these people will do when their dks get married or move to another country.. a lot of the NHS staff left their children in their own country to be looked after by relatives, sometimes for many years.

Gardenbird123 · 22/09/2025 21:56

Yes totally normal. I was a mess. Once I knew my son had settled and had some friends it was easier, hang in there xx

cadburyflakefan · 23/09/2025 10:37

ForRealMember · 20/09/2025 10:39

My eldest daughter is heading to uni and I can't stop crying.(I am trying my best to hide it from her). She is excited but nervous and I am so proud of her. I just feel grief and panic even though she will come back to visit. I have a lovely husband, lovely younger daughter and friends but I am still so upset. Is this normal?

I am also struggling - our only child left for Uni at the weekend and I miss him so much. I can't wait to go and see him. He sounds quite lonely and low on the phone. I've been building myself up for this but it's still hard. I just want to see him,but I know we have to give him space and time. I know all the other students are in the same boat too,but it doesn't make it easier.
Hope it gets better as the weeks go by and am just trying to keep myself busy and distracted. Sending hugs and strength to all those parents in a similar situation 😊🙏

maltravers · 23/09/2025 12:02

I feel for your son @cadburyflakefan . One of mine took to uni like the proverbial duck to water, the other (who is shyer) took a while to settle. He was a bit lonely and anxious, missing his old friends etc. I told both of mine, you must go out, try societies, go to freshers things even if you don’t feel like it, while others are still making friends. The second one found his friends and interests , settled and is enjoying it and sad he is now in his third year. Hopefully your son will settle soon.

SomewhatAnnoyed · 23/09/2025 13:50

Duechristmas · 20/09/2025 10:42

It's entirely reasonable.
It's the worst pain I experienced as a parent. Mine went six years ago, she was a covid student and had to come back for a while. By the time she went back to uni, we'd all had enough of each other.
It seems so painful and they seem so young but she's spreading her wings and it's right for her.
((((Hugs))))
For the record, I strongly encouraged by next two to stay home for uni. Middle is now almost 22 and ready to leave and I'm accepting that it's time for get to go, it feels much more gentle than 'losing' them at 18.

I strongly encouraged by next two to stay home for uni.

What did you do/say? Who’s benefit was it for - be honest.

cadburyflakefan · 23/09/2025 16:13

maltravers · 23/09/2025 12:02

I feel for your son @cadburyflakefan . One of mine took to uni like the proverbial duck to water, the other (who is shyer) took a while to settle. He was a bit lonely and anxious, missing his old friends etc. I told both of mine, you must go out, try societies, go to freshers things even if you don’t feel like it, while others are still making friends. The second one found his friends and interests , settled and is enjoying it and sad he is now in his third year. Hopefully your son will settle soon.

Thank you- that is what a good friend of mine said who has 2 grown up sons. One of her sons went to LSE recently and got on well. It's a big change swapping village life for Central London! I can't wait to see him again and give him a big hug! 😊🤞

cadburyflakefan · 23/09/2025 16:16

Baninarama · 22/09/2025 15:34

I've felt slightly sad for a few minutes when each of mine has left, but you've got to concentrate on the happy part - they are getting so many great life chances by doing this. They're meeting new people and learning new things.. and you'll still be needed for advice when the washing machine packs up or they don't know which ticket is better value etc. If anything, I'm slightly envious - university is great fun (unlike work - ugh). Be happy for her and get a grip! She hasn't moved to Australia.

It's hard but when I saw one of the Mothers hugging her child outside the halls and sobbing uncontrollably, it made me feel sad and totally got it. I think that he was an International student. Am lucky we're not too far away but you can feel helpless sometimes 😏🤞