Daughter going to uni - can't stop crying

[ForRealMember]

My eldest daughter is heading to uni and I can't stop crying.(I am trying my best to hide it from her). She is excited but nervous and I am so proud of her. I just feel grief and panic even though she will come back to visit. I have a lovely husband, lovely younger daughter and friends but I am still so upset. Is this normal?

It's hard but when I saw one of the Mothers hugging her child outside the halls and sobbing uncontrollably, it made me feel sad and totally got it. I think that he was an International student. Am lucky we're not too far away but you can feel helpless sometimes 😏🤞

Bless you, it is hard and it's because you love her so much.
My daughter left (home in the UK) for Seoul University back in August. I had tears, especially as she was moving half way round the world but we had a lovely time together buying what she would need, some girls days out and talking a lot.
We have a family group chat and she checks in with us every day, even if it's just to say hi.
I promise you, after a couple of weeks it will get easier. We are on Christmas countdown (thrilled we get her back for Christmas).
Sending you lots of love 😘

If this was directed to me and my comment, not everyone can just switch off their emotions. I’m not a robot. Plus you don’t know people’s back stories so you shouldn’t judge.

Thank you- yes I think once he's made friends with similar like- minded people ,it will be better. It will take me time to learn how to support him from a distance without interferring/ fussing too much! I hope he can come back in the reading week! 😊👍

While I wasn't sad when DD went to university I found it hard not to be there to comfort her when she was upset about something. She had just been dumped by her BF of nearly 4 years and struggled on what would have been the 4 year anniversary. So, I get how awful it is for you.

It's the 11pm "mum are you free for a telephone call?" messages that got to me.

Comnpletely normal it's a huge loss and a huge adjustment for you but you will get there. Hang in there

Im quite surprised by the number of get a grip type posts!
As if Empty nest syndrome isn't a recognised thing
My sibling was very homesick, at uni 5 hours from home. They struggled with their mental and physical health (in the 1990s when there was less support for MH) so much so, they had to take a year out after year 1...it must have been horrendous for my parents, although I dont recall how they (outwardly) dealt with it. If only they'd all had MN to tell them to pull themselves together....

I can imagine how hard it was for you. I haven't had any late night calls yet,but I am keeping my phone on in case! I find I'm the one wanting to speak to him at 10pm. I've been told it does get easier. I have told our son he can ring us anytime and he can come anytime. At the end of the day,your know your own son/ daughter 😊

Think it's the OPs eldest so no " empty best".

Although I can't say I ever felt sad ant any of mine moving about or having an ," empty nest"

More a feeling of getting my own space back

My only child is going to uni next week and i am bereft. Trying to hide it in front of her but it is so hard. Is this normal? I am worried about how often i can visit/ ask her to
come home. We are a close family and i have just lost my mum too. It is so so hard. I want to visit her every week initially just for a few hours. Then maybe every 2 weeks. Is that abnormal? I am making myself ill with worry. I feel selfish but need to do what’s right for me too

my sons on his thirties and lives in another city and i still get a bit emotional when i say goodbye - I hold it in until he’s gone. Do i miss him terribly? Yes. I think it’s natural. Was i excited when he left home to start his own chapter? Also yes. He’s sensible and i know he’s doing really well. He’s smashing life. He’s still my little boy and always will be but they need to be allowed to spread their wings.

Zombie thread.

people will answer the OP not yours @Psmith411 so you are better off starting your own.

Christ, don't think of weekly or even fortnightly visits to her.
She’s finding her feet, finding friends, and her mother being around like that is very much not what’s required in the first term.
I imagine your neediness would be apparent to her and could even be absorbed as some weird kind of guilt. Whatever about that, I think you just have to bite the bullet and tell yourself her new life is the important focus here, and let her get on with it.
If she misses home, she can communicate that to you, but don't insert yourself into things at this very important point in her uni time.

First term is daunting, often scarily so, but it’s a very important transition for a young person, and I think parents are best at the other end of a letter (email)/ call than there in person, so as not to cause confused signals in a brain which is still in some ways a child’s but at the same time, an adult’s, with a challenge (i.e. becoming self-reliant) to handle that is just as important as attending seminars.

Do try to find another outlet for your emotional upset; you’d be doing a great kindness to your daughter. Concentrate on the Christmas break!
The time til then will fly by, and of course, you can FaceTime with her maybe once a week (until that happy day when she excuses herself as she has a gig/ party/ sit-in to attend!)
She’ll be grand, and so will you, OP. Hang in there!

Jesus, that is dreadful to read. Remove yourself from this step in their lives, it’s entirely wrong-thinking.
Your duty is to urge them to fly solo at that juncture.

Yes it’s selfish if acted upon and no, you do not have to put yourself first in the matter.

Nobody stays young forever.

I dropped DD yesterday and I feeling sad without her. I still have a younger child DS but think this is hardest stage so far. I know will have a blast and we have already planned a weekend to visit. Also I know there is a reading week around school half term holidays so she is planning to come home for that. Good luck to all the new students and to their families. I know it will become the new normal but it’s tough at the moment!

DD is about to start her 3rd year. She found first term pretty tough. And i found it tough. It is a weird feeling, especially if theyve not been away much before, but i think quite normal.

We did visit just about fortnightly, just for the first term (we took her out for lunch ) and it did get easier. She found clubs she enjoyed and her social group grew from there. Fast forward to second year and she stayed in her uni town for month after her deadline because she was happy there.

That doesnt necessarily help you, but its easier to feel "comfortable" when they are away, when you know they are enjoying it. Im pleased when DD doesn't facetime on a Saturday night, not because I don't want to see her, but because I know she's got better things to do than speak to us.
(That said, im desperate for her to ft today, after dropping her yesterday as I want to see what her room looks like with everything unpacked! 😃)

Good luck

Not normal for me! DS 2 is off to uni next weekend- we’re happy for him. We were fine when his DB went 8 years ago.

In my family it’s normal to go further away at that age. My parents left the north for zPortsmouth and the navy when they were 16/17. I went to a European country for a year when I was 18. So my two heading to another British city with full modern video communications is no big deal …

The term will fly by! Before you know what, she’ll be back, with a load of dirty washing and scoffing everything in the fridge.

Yes it's normal. All the can do is use coping strategies. An important one for me was to be ruthless about not being sentimental. So no dwelling on phrases like 'end if an era' 'life stage that's passed' 'nothing will be the same' and so on. I kept my mind on the present rather than mourning for the past or worrying about the future, and took each day as it came, doing what I could to enjoy what I was doing, without thinking too hard.
Eventually you adjust and life with an adult child can bring joy you can't imagine, it's just different and you need to get through the transition.

I’m very proud of both my two. The youngest is off next week and I will be living on my own for the first time in over 30 years. I’m not sad, I’m very pleased for them making their way in the world and thriving.
i genuinely don’t understand the ‘worst pain of my life’ comments. Yes, I’ll miss them of course, but I’m not anywhere near tears. I don’t think of it as a ‘loss’.
Many years ago, my wise old neighbour, whose three children all emigrated to Australia when they were in their 20s, said ‘they’re only on loan to you’. I remembered that at the time - my DCs were toddlers then.

I know this is an old thread that has been resurrected, but there has been some great advice given here.

I understand that you find it hard to let go @Psmith411 but please try not to guilt trip your daughter into having you visit her so frequently. Visit when she asks you to, but do allow here to find her feet and make new friends.

@Millytante is right. We give our offspring roots for stability and wings to fly, and now is the time to allow them to fly.

And sorry for your loss 💐

And as for the poster who encouraged their DC to stay home for university, please don't follow this "advice" unless finances or other sensible reasons mean that this is the only option.

My eldest went, came back and lived at home for another 7/8 years!