Daughter going to uni - can't stop crying

[ForRealMember]

My eldest daughter is heading to uni and I can't stop crying.(I am trying my best to hide it from her). She is excited but nervous and I am so proud of her. I just feel grief and panic even though she will come back to visit. I have a lovely husband, lovely younger daughter and friends but I am still so upset. Is this normal?

Im.not ashamed that when we dropped DD off last year, it was impossible to hold back tears. We had a family hug (DD, DH and me) and we all cried!! (in the privacy of her room)
We got a late drop off slot and leaving her crying at the window felt awful as we drove off. The first week felt like forever. But we adjusted, she settled - it probably took at least a term - did her first year, and has just gone back. She cried when we dropped her this year as well, but we knew she'd be ok.

Mine was like a boomerang and can back home after 3 years.

I cried buckets when mine went off to uni, although I tried very hard not to show it. I was glad for her that she was leaving, spreading her wings and moving on to adulthood, but devastated that my (18 year old) baby was leaving. 10 years plus on, dc is still living in her uni city and I don't see her in the flesh all that often, but we message nearly every day and video call for long chats at least once a week. So it will pass (eventually). Be happy for your dd, but you are allowed to be sad at the same time. And unMumsnetty hugs.

I remember us dropping out eldest off last year at halls. We sat in our car just heartbroken, and there were times I sat in their room like a saddo. But fast forward a year and we are dropping then off in their new uni home and it's exciting and so much easier. Seeing them grow into this independent confident young adult is amazing.

Yes it was sad to see them.go but I'd have been so upset if they hadn't been able to do what they wanted to do. Living away is part of the uni experience and I want them to have the best experience they can.

Come back 'to visit'? Where will she live in the 5 months of the year when she's not at uni?

Not all feelings should be validated 🙄

Yes!! This is just how I feel too.

I agree.
We had an employee who used to track his wife and teen/adult children on his phone. He was obsessed with checking where they were multiple times a day and it was so controlling and unhealthy. He would often text them if they weren't where they were "supposed" to be. I'm not inferring that this poster is that bad at all, but I've always found the idea of tracking people so uncomfortable and suffocating. I get being sad (totally normal emotion) but this seems a step beyond that.

@ForRealMemberDS has just come home after his degree to live here for his masters as home is cheaper .... just remember that it will always be their home

I think we’ve all shed a few tears when kids leave home, and suffered a certain amount of loss and sadness in the early weeks . I certainly did.

“Can’t stop crying” is a different issue altogether, and suggests a wider problem at home.

I honestly didn’t expect this reaction! All of our family phones are linked, it’s actually a really useful function to have. I do not obsessively ‘track’!

I think DD will do likewise. The rents are extortionate in her university city.

I honestly cannot understand HOW it's useful in any way with adults?

I track my primary school kids and young teens phone, but only because they're little and they often completely forget to tell me they had a match away with school, or to know when to put their diner in the oven when they come back from somewhere.

Adults? I expect them to message me when needed! I can't imagine checking where adults are, if it 's important, they tell me or they deal with consequences of not telling me 😂

It's so controlling, I would not tolerate for DH to "track me" even when I go for long run on my own.

It’s normal to be sad and a bit anxious, but ‘can’t stop crying’ is really extreme. Be pleased that they are growing up, growing independent, having this opportunity.

Snap. We all can see each other’s location. Me, DH, DS and DD. It’s really handy. We all use it. It’s been handy on more than one occasion. DS often goes on coaches to away football matches and he doesn’t have to keep an eye out for where he is (and all motorways look the same late at night when you’re a coach passenger) so I know when to pick him up. That’s just one example.

I don't think it's very 'normal' to be crying buckets, no.

But tracking their phone is even less normal - I think that's absolutely bloody awful, to be frank.

I said in my post I was NOT inferring that you were someone who obsessively tracked. I had an employee who did with his family and HE was obsessive to an unhealthy level. It made me uncomfortable and it wouldn't be something I would be happy with at all. I just can't get on board with tracking adults going about their daily life. Surely they will just message or ring you with any issues or news? If you are all happy with it then that's absolutely fine obviously -it's your life and not mine!

It's very normal. I've had this now with DD1 and DD3. DD2 is not an academic and didn't go to uni.

When DD1 left to go to uni back in 2013 it was like a physical pain for me and hit me harder than I thought it would. I've no idea how I managed (somehow) to largely hold it together. You have to though, hard as it is.

I'd say that it does get better. By the time my DD3 went off to uni back in 2020 (another Covid student) I was much better at coping with it although I did still feel quite emotional.

WhatsApp is your friend here. We communicated loads that way and I think it really helped. Far better than my own student days back in the eighties when all that was available were a weekly phone call and maybe a letter in the snail mail.

I know what you mean when you say that you are so proud of them and excited and happy for them, but at the same time extremely sad that the chapter that was their childhood is now definitely closing.

But the chapter that will be their adulthood is now beginning and you will have a role in that too, just as a supporter and adviser rather than actively parenting them.

I cannot imagine a life with people "seeing my location" at all time - or being able to.

It's awful.

all motorways look the same late at night when you’re a coach passenger
He has a map on his phone, he can track himself and text you when he's near...
You do not NEED to track an adult.

If he's 10, we all do it (or most of us do it and then share with other parents because the others have run out of battery or forgotten their phone somewhere, they're 10😂)

Young adult? Hell no.

It’s entirely possible to be simultaneously delighted that they’re going out into the world and devastated that they’re gone.

It’s complex, this being a grown-up lark.

My DDs, twins, went 5 years ago. It’s horrible but you can used to it.

One has moved back but will probably be moving out next year. The other one is settled in her Uni city now.

Ah, OP. Hugs.

My eldest is 16 and won’t be going to uni in a couple of years - again like some PP, it’s not clear whether he’ll be able to live independently. He’s been a ball of rage for months and tbh I wish he could go somewhere tomorrow and stop bullying me 😭

DD will go in 5 years and the thought of it makes me feel sick. But no, it won’t be the worst pain - that was DH dying when they were little and trying to navigate this particularly tough parenting gig alone.

Hope you adjust soon and have some lovely plans of your own x

I was a bit like this when DS went up to uni in 2022. It was hard leaving him in his halls. I remember seeing families with younger kids in the supermarket we popped into on the way home and wishing that was us again! You (and they) get used to it quite quickly though as you see them become independent. If it's any consolation DS is in 4th year and been away for 3 weeks after a bit of the summer at home. He's just sent a random pic of the pasta dish he's making for tea.

Ah bless you. It’s a horrible feeling. I was the same a few years ago though it was my youngest who left so a completely empty nest.
I just took it day by day and allowed myself to be sad. One day I ventured into my YP’s bedroom and started cleaning it (I hadn’t been able to face it for a couple of weeks).
After that I got into a new routine and it was actually a good feeling knowing I was free to do anything I wanted (plus the house was a lot tidier!).

Why?
Both my kids allow me to know their locations and they can see where I am too. In fact my daughter set it up for me!