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AIBU?

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Original poster

‘Backwards compliment’ from date, not sure if I was right to challenge it

204 replies

Cocktailsneeded · 06/09/2025 16:08

I had a 4th date with a man last night who I really like. I was discussing my gym routine and explained I have lost quite a bit of weight and am now comfortable with my size (I’m a 12 now).

He said he really likes my figure because he likes having something to hold on to. Fine. He then said he was seeing someone who was really slim and it hurt when he ‘did her from behind’ (his words) as her bum was ‘boney’.

I said in reply I felt that was a bit of an unnecessary comment and he said sorry, he then sent me a long text earlier about it and seems to genuinely regret it.

I suppose I have two questions - would you have said something and do you think that if he’s genuinely sorry for saying it, you could overlook it? I’m still a bit conflicted, he has otherwise been brilliant.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 06/09/2025 16:09

I don’t think much of his seduction technique. Is he always so crass?

Framesite · 06/09/2025 16:09

I'm not sure about the backhanded compliment, but I wouldn't want to be with anyone who talked about an ex like that.

SoManyIdiotsSoLittleWine · 06/09/2025 16:09

I genuinely would not want to be with a man that talks about women like that, massive ick.

TheSlantedOwl · 06/09/2025 16:10

It was a nasty way to speak about another woman. And unnecessarily crass.

Greenqueen40 · 06/09/2025 16:10

Yuk totally grim, would be the end of it for me. I don't need to hear details of his previous sex life!

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 06/09/2025 16:10

He has been brilliant because he's trying to impress you and can put on a front.

No man would say something so vulgar about a woman to a woman unless he felt very comfortable doing so, which shows how often he talks like that.

noworklifebalance · 06/09/2025 16:10

Big turn off.
Remember, this is him on his best/better behaviour.

ThisIsHowWeDoItThisIsHowWeDoIt · 06/09/2025 16:10

SoManyIdiotsSoLittleWine · 06/09/2025 16:09

I genuinely would not want to be with a man that talks about women like that, massive ick.

Same.

Arlanymor · 06/09/2025 16:11

It wasn’t a backhanded compliment. And he twice mentioned size in quick succession - having something to ‘hold on to’ (reminds me of that stupid bit with the dad at the end of BJ’s Diary: an arse you can park a bike in… or whatever it was… crass) and then almost doubling down with the following comment. Maybe he’s an insensitive twit or maybe he’s worse. No way for anyone on here to tell as we don’t know him!

MagpiePi · 06/09/2025 16:11

Framesite · 06/09/2025 16:09

I'm not sure about the backhanded compliment, but I wouldn't want to be with anyone who talked about an ex like that.

She’s not an ex, he’s seeing her at the same time as the OP, but in any case, ewwwww. He sounds like a real catch….not.

ParanoidGynodroid · 06/09/2025 16:11

Horrible way to talk to anyone, or about anyone.

He’ll talk about you in an equally coarse way in future.

ThisIsHowWeDoItThisIsHowWeDoIt · 06/09/2025 16:12

He’s just letting you know two things. His preference for women’s body shapes and his preference for sexual positions.

Did you share your preferences for what men look like and for how they have sex with him?

BigSondsPieceBox · 06/09/2025 16:13

Imagine a life with someone who feels the need to bring sexual positions into a conversation not about sex. That's your future.

He's done you a favour by dropping the mask so quickly IMO.

DefinitelyNotMaybe · 06/09/2025 16:13

Sounds like he's making excuses for being a crap shag.

As well as being a creepy weirdo.

MageQueen · 06/09/2025 16:13

I honetly cannot imagine that a man who says this kind of thing out loud in any scenario is a man I'd want to be with. x100 if he says it to me. x10000 if he says it to me early in the dating and x100000000 if he says it before we've had sex.

PornOfCopia · 06/09/2025 16:14

Slagging off an ex is a red flag, and being so crass would be another (for me at least). You were definitely right to challenge it.

If he genuinely regrets it maybe give him another chance? But keep an eye out for this side of his character in future and get rid asap if anything remotely similar happens again.

user1471538283 · 06/09/2025 16:16

Well at least you know he's vulgar and immature. I'd get rid of him. You were not interested in his sex life. It wasn't a compliment.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 06/09/2025 16:19

In what universe is it OK to talk about doing your ex from behind while on a date with another person?
If it was me, that would be our last date, and I'd block and delete.
Sorry OP.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/09/2025 16:20

Imagine op, if the two of you date then break up, he’ll be merrily telling his next date what you were like to have sex with.

mrandmrsrobinson · 06/09/2025 16:21

Bin

WetSlates · 06/09/2025 16:22

user1471538283 · 06/09/2025 16:16

Well at least you know he's vulgar and immature. I'd get rid of him. You were not interested in his sex life. It wasn't a compliment.

Yes! How the OP managed to conclude that they key thing here was a compliment, backhanded or otherwise, rather than that she has accidentally gone on four dates with a crass idiot, is mysterious.

Swiftie1878 · 06/09/2025 16:22

Yuck.

godmum56 · 06/09/2025 16:22

mrandmrsrobinson · 06/09/2025 16:21

Bin

and not in your own bin, use a public one where you won't have to smell the stink

CupofTeaAndsomeToast · 06/09/2025 16:23

That would really put me off. I did date a bloke rather like this and he had a habit of comparing my bum/breasts/body in general to those of his previous partners which was what gave me the ick. So disrespectful and he turned out to be an absolute turd who I was glad to see the back of.

WellMaybeYouShouldntBeLivingHeeeeeeee · 06/09/2025 16:23

Ugh