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Original poster

‘Backwards compliment’ from date, not sure if I was right to challenge it

204 replies

Cocktailsneeded · 06/09/2025 16:08

I had a 4th date with a man last night who I really like. I was discussing my gym routine and explained I have lost quite a bit of weight and am now comfortable with my size (I’m a 12 now).

He said he really likes my figure because he likes having something to hold on to. Fine. He then said he was seeing someone who was really slim and it hurt when he ‘did her from behind’ (his words) as her bum was ‘boney’.

I said in reply I felt that was a bit of an unnecessary comment and he said sorry, he then sent me a long text earlier about it and seems to genuinely regret it.

I suppose I have two questions - would you have said something and do you think that if he’s genuinely sorry for saying it, you could overlook it? I’m still a bit conflicted, he has otherwise been brilliant.

OP posts:
FattyMallow · 07/09/2025 18:15

Red flag. The "hurt" is realistically that you projected a decent huy onto him but such a crass statement revealed he's just animalistic. I wouldn't expect much from him at all.

wasdarknowblond · 07/09/2025 18:22

That would be a massive turn off for me. You did the right thing to challenge him. Not sure you should keep going out with him. Sounds like he sees women as sex objects.

superbakedpotato · 07/09/2025 18:35

If you have had lovely dates with him, and you're not entirely put off by the comments, don't let mumsnet turn you off of him.

Yes, it's pretty crass and arguably mysoginistic, but it may have just been a poorly judged attempt at flirting - him telling you he thinks you have a nice body and trying to subtly (or not so subtly) hint that he thinks you'd have great sex together. Only you were there, only you know the man, only you can say how you really feel about it. Not the mumsnet jury.

Go with your gut, if you do feel like giving another date a whirl do it, life's short and people deserve a second chance in my books. Everyone puts their foot in their mouth from time to time, it doesn't automatically make them bad people. If he says anything that makes you feel uncomfortable again, then call it.

Good luck ☺️

Blablibladirladada · 07/09/2025 18:40

He wrote you a text because he knows it didn’t go down well. For good reason… if he says things like that to you…he will about you.

That is how he is. Just stop now.

SurvivalInstinctsOfABakedPotato · 07/09/2025 18:42

How is that in anyway a compliment?!!

I'm really easy going and put up with a lot but for me there just wouldn't be a 5th date

ellyeth · 07/09/2025 18:54

That would absolutely revolt me - disgusting. Even though he apologised, you can surely see what this man is like. Run!

Missj25 · 07/09/2025 18:59

Cocktailsneeded · 06/09/2025 16:08

I had a 4th date with a man last night who I really like. I was discussing my gym routine and explained I have lost quite a bit of weight and am now comfortable with my size (I’m a 12 now).

He said he really likes my figure because he likes having something to hold on to. Fine. He then said he was seeing someone who was really slim and it hurt when he ‘did her from behind’ (his words) as her bum was ‘boney’.

I said in reply I felt that was a bit of an unnecessary comment and he said sorry, he then sent me a long text earlier about it and seems to genuinely regret it.

I suppose I have two questions - would you have said something and do you think that if he’s genuinely sorry for saying it, you could overlook it? I’m still a bit conflicted, he has otherwise been brilliant.

I’ll get slated here now for not saying dump his ass , but you’ve said everything has been brilliant so far, & then yes , obviously he’s spoken out of turn, but you’ve pulled him up on it straight away
& he has apologised, & then sent you a lengthy apology when he got home ..
Like I’d be inclined to give him a chance , if he is an asshole he will show again simple as that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/09/2025 19:05

'Did' her? Gross

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 07/09/2025 19:24

Boak 🤢

Flopsy145 · 07/09/2025 19:49

This early on in a dating situation I would throw that one back im afraid 😂 just gross to be talking like that about having sex with someone else.

BeAzureRaven · 07/09/2025 19:57

Ew, gross. I would have walked out. Definitely no more dates with me.

Bikergran · 07/09/2025 19:59

Eeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuwwwwww. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

HelpMeUnpickThis · 07/09/2025 20:02

Arlanymor · 06/09/2025 16:36

Sorry? Je suis single - unless you count the male cat on my lap watching the rugby with me?! Sorry if I was unclear. I am typing with a broken thumb so some of my posts recently have extraordinary typos which I only notice once it’s too late to correct!

Edited
Show quote history

@Arlanymor apologies - my comment was meant for the OP. Sorry!

myblueskirt · 07/09/2025 20:05

I agree with majority. Bin him. I would have left immediately. That ex he talked about had a lucky escape.

Pastaandoranges · 07/09/2025 20:06

15 years into my relationship and we could talk like this to eaxh other and it wouldn't phase us. But we have seen each other through all sorts of un dignified events in that time. We also couldnt remember what sex is like with another person now as it was so long ago, but thats by the by. 4th date, have some decorum man, no, not acceptable.

Arlanymor · 07/09/2025 20:09

HelpMeUnpickThis · 07/09/2025 20:02

@Arlanymor apologies - my comment was meant for the OP. Sorry!

Show quote history

No worries! Just thought I might have a secret boyfriend that was SO secret that even I didn’t know about him!!

Viobioscore48 · 07/09/2025 20:10

Massive red flag. What a creep.

TheHillIsMine · 07/09/2025 20:35

Pastaandoranges · 07/09/2025 20:06

15 years into my relationship and we could talk like this to eaxh other and it wouldn't phase us. But we have seen each other through all sorts of un dignified events in that time. We also couldnt remember what sex is like with another person now as it was so long ago, but thats by the by. 4th date, have some decorum man, no, not acceptable.

Missing the point..

Horses7 · 07/09/2025 20:52

Romance isn’t dead!

Sally2791 · 07/09/2025 20:59

Gross. And he’ll talk about you the same way. Bin him off now

Hotflushesandchilblains · 07/09/2025 21:17

I would have challenged him, but would not necessarily end things over it - I would be watchful though.

MrsJeanLuc · 07/09/2025 21:39

arethereanyleftatall · 06/09/2025 16:20

Imagine op, if the two of you date then break up, he’ll be merrily telling his next date what you were like to have sex with.

This.
That thought alone would stop me having sex with him.

HatandCoat · 07/09/2025 22:18

YABU for dating someone who used the words 'did her'.

Mydadsbirthday · 07/09/2025 22:39

Ew. Yuck. Ick. Red flag. Bin. Throw this one back. Etc etc. what everyone else said.

Diblin93 · 08/09/2025 05:44

He’s a pig. Get rid of him.

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