‘Backwards compliment’ from date, not sure if I was right to challenge it

[Cocktailsneeded]

I had a 4th date with a man last night who I really like. I was discussing my gym routine and explained I have lost quite a bit of weight and am now comfortable with my size (I’m a 12 now).

He said he really likes my figure because he likes having something to hold on to. Fine. He then said he was seeing someone who was really slim and it hurt when he ‘did her from behind’ (his words) as her bum was ‘boney’.

I said in reply I felt that was a bit of an unnecessary comment and he said sorry, he then sent me a long text earlier about it and seems to genuinely regret it.

I suppose I have two questions - would you have said something and do you think that if he’s genuinely sorry for saying it, you could overlook it? I’m still a bit conflicted, he has otherwise been brilliant.

Grim

How would you feel if you knew he was talking about sex with you to other people?

My ex had several red flags towards the end but the one thing I really did like is that although he heavily complimented me, he never referenced any of his ex GFs ever - which was pleasantly surprising as he such strong opinions on pretty much everything else! I just feel it’s emotionally immature to talk about someone’s body like that. I mean its a given he likes your body as otherwise he likely wouldn’t be dating you so to need to expand further with those comments (irrespective of those he made about his other date) would just give me the ick I’m afraid.

He will speak about you that same way to his mates. If you’re okay with that then proceed, if not block him.

Yuk - for goodness sake get rid he’s a sleeze

I’d not want to have sex with someone who was going to talk about it to another date.

Just rough af

I got the ick for you.

What a vile thing to say, sounds like he sees women as pieces of meat. Dread to think what he thinks in the privacy of his mind.

That's a shame. Anyone can appear 'great' for a couple of hours of dates. That's not even approaching the barest of minimums, this guy can't even keep up the charade past a few hours before revealing he views women as objects to be 'done'.

Would you not rather be enjoying the bliss of being free from a man?

"Doing"

URGH

nope, bin

He's an indiscreet, disrespectful gossip.

I am concerned you need to ask. He is gross. He wouldn't be getting a chance to bounce off my cushioning. Raise the bar.

How on earth do you twist that to be a back handed compliment to you?

I wouldn’t be impressed with that attitude towards women. Or how easily such a private comment about his ex slipped out. Imagine what he will end up saying about you.

Discussing the details of your sexual antics with a third party whilst on a date is crass at best, or indicative of a man with self-confidence issues which cause him to need to “show off” about his sexual currency. A bit teenage. Would be a massive no from me, even without the backhanded “compliment”, which also displays a lack of emotional intelligence. You deserve someone who values you for you, not in comparison to other women he may have dated/be still dating.

He had clearly been on his best behaviour and modifying his language on the first 3 dates. He's shown his true self on date 4. Personally I wouldn't want to give him the opportunity to talk about me like that on future dates.

He wouldn't be doing me, from any direction.
Please have some self respect OP. You don't have to settle for the best of a bad bunch. Keep looking.

The man I dated before DH (for 2 years, stupid me) used to drop comments in like this sporadically. Not quite enough for there to be consistent alarm bells and not often so I would think 'I am over-reacting'. And then try and ignore my own instincts.

When i finally called him on it he said he did it to 'make you try harder'.

At the time he was in his 50s and had been divorced twice. Sadly I never kicked him to the curb. He was 24 years older than me and dumped me for a younger and slimmer woman who he told me 'has not let herself go'. I was 9 stone.

Don't be like me. Kick this arse to the curb.

(Cries because I will never as small as size 12 again)

Seriously he’s shagging another woman at present and discussing it on your dates??!! And you are more concerned about him thinking you are fat??!! What a weird time we are living in.

JFC ! I don’t think I’ve ever met one single man who could row back from that. Oaf.

Btw I have a lovely pet kitten to laugh at, lots of books to read, chocolate to eat. and anyone can access Ann Summers, Lovehoney etc online plus they have blue light card discount lol. I’m not gonna bother dating if that is the standard of men now. Eew.

Exactly. If he said aloud what he was thinking, then that is the kind of dark dialogue that is running through his head, which he normally covers up with a polite public facing chat..

He will quickly drop the polite face... and then what will you be left with.

Its unclear if he was talking about an ex.. or simply reminding you that although its the fourth date you can't consider it "exclusive"... which is an extremely tacky way of saying that.. and designed to put you on your toes.

Also... was he trying to initiate a discussion of various sexual positions or letting you know his preferred? and stupidly thought that you'd be interested in starting such a conversation?

As a compliment, it failed miserably... essentially he was saying "I prefer women with bigger bottoms for sex reasons" Gross.

Ick Ick Ick..

Don't bother proceeding with caution, just proceed in the other direction.

oh ffs what is wrong with men.

Gross.

He’s negging you. You said you were happy with your body and he insinuated he likes a full figure. You shared indirectly you had insecurity around weight and he let you know he has recently had sex with women he thinks have a lower body fat % than you, to make you feel grateful.

Well if that hurt him, imagine how much it’s gonna hurt when you dump him on his arse!