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Original poster

‘Backwards compliment’ from date, not sure if I was right to challenge it

204 replies

Cocktailsneeded · 06/09/2025 16:08

I had a 4th date with a man last night who I really like. I was discussing my gym routine and explained I have lost quite a bit of weight and am now comfortable with my size (I’m a 12 now).

He said he really likes my figure because he likes having something to hold on to. Fine. He then said he was seeing someone who was really slim and it hurt when he ‘did her from behind’ (his words) as her bum was ‘boney’.

I said in reply I felt that was a bit of an unnecessary comment and he said sorry, he then sent me a long text earlier about it and seems to genuinely regret it.

I suppose I have two questions - would you have said something and do you think that if he’s genuinely sorry for saying it, you could overlook it? I’m still a bit conflicted, he has otherwise been brilliant.

OP posts:
Letsgoroundagainnow · 07/09/2025 07:22

He sound revolting TBH!

Barney16 · 07/09/2025 07:24

Ugh that's horrible.

ClairDeLaLune · 07/09/2025 07:27

Ewwwwww. Dump.

KvotheTheBloodless · 07/09/2025 07:35

It was crass, but at least he recognises this and apologised. He might just be a bit clumsy/awkward. If this is the only issue, I'd still see him, but be on the watch for any other slip ups that suggest he's a misogynist, and bin him off if he is.

Absentosaur · 07/09/2025 07:39

Grim. Chuck him back. He talks about a woman he was seeing, in that derogatory way. This is about the way he views women (hint: they’re just things he has sex with).

Ilovelurchers · 07/09/2025 07:41

I am a bit surprised everyone is so outraged by the bony arse thing. (But then I do sometimes wonder how a lot of Mumsnet manage to have a sex life, as they are so disgusted by light-hearted discussion of the topic! On the other hand maybe the fault is with me, and I just have a childish sense of humour.....)

The bony arse thing wouldn't bother me (as long as he didn't name her and she isn't someone you know) - I have told funny sex stories to dates which are I guess disparaging of previous partners in a way, but I don't name the partners so I don't think it's terrible?

The only thing I would be cautious of is the fact that he has made it clear that previous partners (at least one) were a lot skinnier than you. My ex was constantly telling me that when we started dating. He said he liked the fact that I had "a bit more meat on me" etc (I wouldn't mind but I was a pretty skeletal size 8 at the time - if this was true, they must have been close to death...). And as time went on he proved to be an abusive arsehole who utterly disparages every aspect of me, always criticising and never praising, until for a time I lost sight of what an a lovely and attractive woman I actually am.....

There is no reason at this point to suspect your new man is like this. Bur obviously stay alert to it, as I wish I had. Good luck.

Nostylequeen · 07/09/2025 07:51

Imagine what he’s going to say about you

Peacepleaselouise · 07/09/2025 07:52

He’d be thrown back in the sea if this were me. I don’t get women who are with crass and rude men. Have some self worth and find someone better. I’m sure you deserve better.

Absentosaur · 07/09/2025 07:56

Absentosaur · 07/09/2025 07:39

Grim. Chuck him back. He talks about a woman he was seeing, in that derogatory way. This is about the way he views women (hint: they’re just things he has sex with).

To add- I’m referring to his words of when he “did her from behind”. Charming 🤢🤢

The “boney arse” description is sad but predictable.

Together they sum up this man’s attitude to women. If talks about women this way to your face, imagine what he’s like elsewhere. And what would he say about you to his friends, when he’s telling them how he ‘did her [you] from behind’ and other. 🤢

Imisscoffee2021 · 07/09/2025 08:09

Gross.

autienotnaughty · 07/09/2025 08:15

He didn’t compliment you at all he said he liked something to hold on to (so he thinks you are chubby?) and then spoke poorly about another woman. I’d sooner be single.

Donttellempike · 07/09/2025 08:24

Ilovelurchers · 07/09/2025 07:41

I am a bit surprised everyone is so outraged by the bony arse thing. (But then I do sometimes wonder how a lot of Mumsnet manage to have a sex life, as they are so disgusted by light-hearted discussion of the topic! On the other hand maybe the fault is with me, and I just have a childish sense of humour.....)

The bony arse thing wouldn't bother me (as long as he didn't name her and she isn't someone you know) - I have told funny sex stories to dates which are I guess disparaging of previous partners in a way, but I don't name the partners so I don't think it's terrible?

The only thing I would be cautious of is the fact that he has made it clear that previous partners (at least one) were a lot skinnier than you. My ex was constantly telling me that when we started dating. He said he liked the fact that I had "a bit more meat on me" etc (I wouldn't mind but I was a pretty skeletal size 8 at the time - if this was true, they must have been close to death...). And as time went on he proved to be an abusive arsehole who utterly disparages every aspect of me, always criticising and never praising, until for a time I lost sight of what an a lovely and attractive woman I actually am.....

There is no reason at this point to suspect your new man is like this. Bur obviously stay alert to it, as I wish I had. Good luck.

Your bar is on the floor

AlphaApple · 07/09/2025 08:27

I have genuinely met a man in real life who would even consider saying something like that ever, let alone on a fourth date. I must have lived a very sheltered life.

I suspect this guy has been a convincing actor up to now and this comment has revealed his true persona.

What does “proceed with caution” mean in this case? Because you know that at some point down the line he’s going to be describing your body and having sex with you to someone you don’t know.

urgh.

Lotsofsnacks · 07/09/2025 08:36

PsychoHotSauce · 06/09/2025 17:02

'Aww you should probably stop skipping leg day if something like that actually hurts your legs. Need to build up those muscles like a real man!'

then dump Wink

Yes!!! Hit him in the ego and see how he likes it 😂. OP he sounds gross

AcquadiP · 07/09/2025 08:43

Ugh, no thanks. He's spoken very disrespectfully about his ex there and he's not exactly discrete is he?

ChiliFiend · 07/09/2025 08:48

I think OP is probably long gone but I'd like to know what his text said - he sounds vile but if there was some self-awareness in there maybe there is hope.

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2025 08:54

Too many men think women and girls are things.

Domestic appliances for their use and convenience.

A series of body parts, with functions assigned by them. EG Tits out on a beach? Fantastic! But with a baby attached? Eeeiiiwww!

he has otherwise been brilliant - what you saw in the first three dates was the smiling civilised mask.

The best behaviour, designed to hook and reel you in.

But it took just a few meetings for the mask to slip and underneath you saw ... Him.

There will be more.

You're lucky ... For many women that doesn't happen until the cake smash at the wedding, the silent treatment on honeymoon, the personality change during pregnancy sometimes quite a few years on, the bewildering behaviour during the toddler years, the gradual descent into vile behaviour.

And before anyone goes 'but NAMALT' - sadly, SMALT. This one's revealed himself in the first few hours.

B1anche · 07/09/2025 09:39

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2025 08:54

Too many men think women and girls are things.

Domestic appliances for their use and convenience.

A series of body parts, with functions assigned by them. EG Tits out on a beach? Fantastic! But with a baby attached? Eeeiiiwww!

he has otherwise been brilliant - what you saw in the first three dates was the smiling civilised mask.

The best behaviour, designed to hook and reel you in.

But it took just a few meetings for the mask to slip and underneath you saw ... Him.

There will be more.

You're lucky ... For many women that doesn't happen until the cake smash at the wedding, the silent treatment on honeymoon, the personality change during pregnancy sometimes quite a few years on, the bewildering behaviour during the toddler years, the gradual descent into vile behaviour.

And before anyone goes 'but NAMALT' - sadly, SMALT. This one's revealed himself in the first few hours.

Edited

But OP is happy to overlook all this because the dating pool is so dire (her words).

AlphaApple · 07/09/2025 09:56

AlphaApple · 07/09/2025 08:27

I have genuinely met a man in real life who would even consider saying something like that ever, let alone on a fourth date. I must have lived a very sheltered life.

I suspect this guy has been a convincing actor up to now and this comment has revealed his true persona.

What does “proceed with caution” mean in this case? Because you know that at some point down the line he’s going to be describing your body and having sex with you to someone you don’t know.

urgh.

Ffs. Typo. Genuinely never met a man…

ButSheSaid · 07/09/2025 10:13

@Ilovelurchers no one cares about some woman's arse. The 'outrage' is about how shit many men choose to be. This one is telling OP he thinks she is fat, slagging off another woman, and telling her he views women as things to be 'done' by males. That sex is something men do to women.

Openly misogynistic. This is him at his absolute best, after an hour or two of dates, and OP is sadly going keep dating him.

LeeshaPaper · 07/09/2025 10:19

I have once or twice made a cringy comment - not like that but still an awkward thing to say about someone. And the person I was with said "that's not a very nice thing to say". And I have been more careful since. Sometimes people say stupid things.
I would proceed carefully as you say, but having told him what he said wasn't great, I wouldn't accept any more similar comments

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/09/2025 10:21

I think he sees women as physical sexual objects for his use and pleasure and that’s it yuck

PigletSanders · 07/09/2025 14:22

So he openly tore apart a woman’s body while telling you about another woman he’d shagged? How utterly classless. I wouldn’t associate with a man like that.

sandyrose · 07/09/2025 17:54

I wouldn’t see him again…unless you’re happy for him to tell mates down the pub/colleagues/future dates what it’s like to ‘do you’. It’s going to happen, and when you bring it up in the future you will be ‘too sensitive’ and need to ‘lighten up’. He has no respect for women.

maudelovesharold · 07/09/2025 18:04

do you think that if he’s genuinely sorry for saying it, you could overlook it?

No, I don’t think I could ‘overlook the words it hurt when I did her from behind as her bum was boney whoever uttered them, let alone someone I was going out with!