‘Backwards compliment’ from date, not sure if I was right to challenge it

[Cocktailsneeded]

I had a 4th date with a man last night who I really like. I was discussing my gym routine and explained I have lost quite a bit of weight and am now comfortable with my size (I’m a 12 now).

He said he really likes my figure because he likes having something to hold on to. Fine. He then said he was seeing someone who was really slim and it hurt when he ‘did her from behind’ (his words) as her bum was ‘boney’.

I said in reply I felt that was a bit of an unnecessary comment and he said sorry, he then sent me a long text earlier about it and seems to genuinely regret it.

I suppose I have two questions - would you have said something and do you think that if he’s genuinely sorry for saying it, you could overlook it? I’m still a bit conflicted, he has otherwise been brilliant.

YANBU

I find we have to 'train' people to communicate in the way we expect them to as it pertains to our individual boundaries.

Men and women can be quite crass, IMO, and it's ok to set your stall out re: what you consider to be appropriate, or otherwise, including phraseology etc.

If they respect it, then they respect you and you can move forward together. If not, then I guess you have your answer and a choice to make!

I think he forgot where he was there for a moment! He was stupid, but boys can be crass with each other … personally it would be something I’d comment that wasn’t what I’d want to hear but would carry on if all else ok, but probably wouldn’t want to be hearing again… if he got the message! … I’ve grown up around all sorts of guys, with all sorts of educational levels. And they can be ‘basic’ … doesn’t mean they’re not kind, decent etc in other ways … but I’ve met others where that’s just the tip of the iceberg of crappy behaviours, in which case throw them back in!

Proceed with caution? When you’re worried enough about this to post for advice and feedback?

Some people really will lower themselves into the gutter just to not be alone…

Yuck. Never discuss sexual experiences with exes - complimentary or otherwise - unless you are asked. That's not hard to figure out.

I suppose he was trying to reassure you he prefers your figure to hers, but he could just have said "I like the way you look" and not implied you're a bit fat but still fuckable (which is totally how I would have taken that).

Total ick.

Let's say, OP, that not a single one of the good men I know would ever contemplate saying something so horrid about any woman.

He talks about women like a piece of meat.

Be grateful his mask slipped so soon.

How crass. I wouldn't see him again.

The fact that 'the dating pool is so dire' doesn't mean you should lower your standards to put up with men who speak about women like that.

Don't forget, after 4 dates he's still on his best behaviour. And if that's his best......

Edited to add: in response to the title of your OP, you were definitely not unreasonable to call him out. But it wasn't a compliment, backwards or otherwise.

Emotional intelligence none existent (him not you) The future does not look bright for you OP even if you do proceed with caution ⛔️ you need saving from yourself, never mind this absolute waste of space…

i would end things with this man right away he sounds vile and creepy and also sounds like he sleeps with pretty much everyone he goes on dates with yuk what a catch not

"Funny you should say that. I know what you mean. Other men I've been with have had bigger dicks, and it can hurt."

Ooofe no. Bin.

I never thought I had particularly high standards but if someone spoke to me like that on a fourth date and about sexual positions with another woman they were seeing, I’d never see them again.

Instant turn off
Highly inappropriate and ill judged comment
That would have been it for me

I’m not a fan of the current trend to date multiple people at once and only become exclusive several months down the line.

It almost feels as if he was using the opportunity to brag to you that he’s sleeping with other women, a weird way to make him look like more of a catch? And then the criticism of the other woman is a subtle way of saying he likes you more so if you play your cards right, he could pick you.

That’s how it seems to me at least….

I have to be honest though, it would make me wonder what he would say about me to others!! The fact that he’s saying this about a woman he’s currently sleeping with makes it way worse imo. You might expect someone to be a bit snarky about an ex but somehow it’s way more disrespectful speaking like this about a woman he’s currently seeing. I don’t think I could get past it tbh.

Mind you, I once went on a date with someone to the cinema and he was drooling over the main actress, telling me how hot she was and how much he fancied her. I stuck out the rest of evening but refused another date, much to his confusion - we all find other people attractive but banging on and on about how sexy another woman is while you’re on a first date just struck me as really rude.

Ah here, I'm a guy, that's out there.

So he's on a 4th date with you, meanwhile he's sharing how while seeing another girl other nights, her boney bum is uncomfortable when taking her from behind....

Jeez, and I thought I could be a bit too brave & stupid in my campaigning years... this guy takes the biscuit. Bin him & count your blessings, and make sure to let him know you'd prefer not to hear about suitor's intimate life with other women while you're dating them also. That guy is just thick & stupid!!

Not a very gentlemanly comment.

This. He 100% will talk about sex with you in these terms. Massive red flare. 4 dates. Nothing invested just walk away - run.

Throw him back

Eeew no , he sounds awful. Telling you that you have a figure he “ can hold on to” is really not a compliment and talking to you about “ doing “ his ex is horrible. He has no respect for women !

More fool you.

I often read things on here and wonder how so many women end up with such awful men. Now I've seen this comment and realise it's because they would rather have anyone than be single. They are so desperate, they will accept absolute dregs. If having a boyfriend is worth that much more than your self-respect then go for it girl!

The fact you see it as a compliment to you is both hilarious and depressing.

More fool you. If that’s how he talks about things while he’s trying to impress you, imagine what he’s going to be like later on. Why waste your time??

Just gross....
Inappropriate crass and gross.

WHY would you, unprompted, say that outside your own head?

Having spent over 3 years online dating i can confidently say every time I've thought "IS that a red flag?" Then thought i was being too picky or gqve benefit of the doubt... It was (sur-prise!) a red flag.

You took the time and bothered to come on to the internet to ask strangers.... it's a red flag.