Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

I would focus on your DD not having her own bedroom for the time she is not at yours. That is what the courts will focus on. A child of 8 should have a bed.

I note you presume it is just you who would feel pressure in court, but most likely your ex wife would feel this just as much if not more.

You also seem to take line that your DD’s relationship with her grandmother is neither here nor there. They may be very close.

The best thing is just to stop being accusing and just be welcoming and non-adversarial: just emphasise that you would be happy to help by taking your dd anytime they want.

Because if you agree to pay child maintenance, it is (officially, not by my definition) not based on what the other parent does - it doesn't give you any control over their life or decisions. I appreciate this payment is not through official channels, but that is the principle.

And mentioning it every time you moan about the other parent doesn't help.

@Neil90 paying your ex when you don’t “need “ to is where lines will be blurred .
£1k a month for a kid who lives with you half the time and now lives with her grandparent in a 1bed house . Of course your ex won’t want to give up that income . She will be using the cash to pay her mother to have the child .

No bedroom and chain smoking . Child wants to live with you and mother has already said daughter doesn’t live at home anymore .
Id be consulting a solicitor telling him /her you plan to keep daughter when you next have her and he has to support you through court to keep her.
Pay the money and keep things ticking over u ntll you have seen your solicitor .Then keep your daughter and stop payment .
Let your ex fight to have daughter back.

I would be thinking a little differently if daughter was at grandmas just 4 nights a week at bed time when mum went to work and mum then came back and put daughter to school before getting sleep.
Id say it’s nothing to do with you .
(except the smoking and no bedroom ) you have a case for that in itself .

What has really happened is very different and Id be taking full custody on good grounds .

You certainly can go to court but can I recommend mediation first - also perhaps crucially take money off the table, she might be willing to let her be with you on all her working nights if you aren’t then going to go through cms for maintenance, it’s one of the reasons people want 50/50 alas. If you’re not too far apart geographically, can she spend time with her mum after school before dropping her back to you?

This!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I have a friend (female) in a similar situation. She shares her 3 children 50:50 with her ex. Many times he works late, and the children have to come home to an empty flat with no food. The youngest is 9 so still isn’t independent enough to be on his own if his older sisters aren’t around.
They’ve come to an agreement without the courts, mainly because her ex pushed for 50:50 just to hurt her, as he is in no position to take care of the children properly due to his work, his lifestyle etc.
She now has the children when he can’t - I would say that it’s more of a 70:30 situation now. He obviously has to pay more child support as a result.
If your relationship is good with your ex then could you suggest a different routine? Maybe if she works nights, your daughter can be with you on those nights and she can have her more at weekends etc.
I’m not convinced 50:50 is necessarily a good deal for younger kids, as I feel they need one stable home and parent for most of the time, although I know that it works for many divorced couples.
Legally what she does on her time is her business, but if you feel you have a case, then approach her with your idea of a different routine and take it from there.

@ScrollingLeavesi know my daughter and what her and her grandmas relationship is like, they get on fine but I won't keep allowing my daughter to live in a filthy dirty flat whilst being forced to sleep on a stinking sofa and keep her clothes in a duffle bag, no point in you commenting if you can't be helpful and simply take mothers side

A sofa for an 8 year old girl is as much a bed as many dinky child beds sold.

I think any reasonable person here can see that OP can't be any fairer.

He's been more than flexible with his ex visiting the child whenever she likes (even in his own home) and been more than generous financially.

Anyone who is coming for him on here I think is just bored, or more than likely a very bitter, unhappy woman.

Are you serious? I need to tap out now, that comment has sent me over the edge! You honestly think a sofa is just the same as a bed to sleep on?! Sweet jesus.

No, it isn’t. A child needs her own bed and her own bedroom (or a bedroom shared with a sibling).

Some of these people are complete 🤡

Not in the eyes of the family court.

In order for a non-resident parent to be granted overnights they need to demonstrate that the child has suitable sleeping arrangements which includes a bed in a separate room to the living area.

If it was me I would refuse to hand her over, keep her with me full time and let my ex take me to court for enforcement.

Why are you sending her a grand a month when you share 50/50? That’s madness. Is she worried about the financial impact if DD lives with you full time. I agree it’s not a great arrangement for your child, she’s basically living with Nan who doesn’t have the basics for her.

I would seek legal advise straight away, if your daughter is spending all of her custody time that should be with her Mum at her Grandmother’s flat where she doesn’t even have a bed and is leaving out of a bag you can’t leave that situation to run its course.
Add in the chain smoking and the fact she stinks of fags it all sounds unpleasant and unnecessary.
You will get a hard time on here because it’s a forum aimed at Mums, however as someone who was brought up by their Dad because it wasn’t healthy to stay with my Mum I would say go seek legal advise and take it further.
Your autism shouldn’t be held against you and you may find your ex sees reason once it’s all black and white in front of her and chooses her daughter welfare over her own wishes.
If you take it further and you don’t get anyway at least your daughter will know that you did absolutely everything on your power to help her, and that counts for a lot.

Yes!!!

This is all he needs to do at this point. It will be on her to take him to court.

And it doesn't sound like she will as doesn't seem to want the child anyway.

I think most people are being supportive of the OP!

It’s just difficult to believe the Mum is for real as it’s such an odd thing to do. Which is why I wondered if the OP has it right from his dd - maybe this is just very temporary?

Good point.

Why does it not 'ring true'? Because it's a man telling it?

And why on earth should OP give her more money when they have 50/50 custody? He's already giving £250 per week for her to dump the kid at someone else's house.

I'm sure there would be cries of "get a shit hot lawyer and refuse to send her back!" if this was a woman posting, and rightly so.

Totally disagree. It's a sofa and not suitable for sleeping on 7 nights in a row with no space either for her clothes