Giving up gossip

ratatouille99 · 2025-08-30T20:32:12+00:00

Has anyone ever actively done this? I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser. When people are gossiping around me I find myself commenting based on what I think they want to hear. Often getting drawn in. I am neurodivergent (ADHD/ASD) and therefore often do things to try and fit in. This may also be down to my personality. I'm fed up of feeling guilty whenever this happens, which isn't all the time, but enough for me to be writing this post. I'm actively going to either walk away, or listen quietly, and have prompts ready for when I do not want to be involved. All the best people I know are impartial. Though I'm worried people will think I'm being standoffish and have 'changed'. Has anyone else actively chosen to stop being involved in drama, even indirectly or after being drawn in, and their feelings improved?

cheapskatemum · 30/08/2025 22:10

My friend gave up gossiping for Lent one year. She said it meant she wouldn’t be able to see me until after Easter. That really made me think & I have tried not to gossip since. I find it hard though. I do love a good bit of gossip.

LoopyLooooo · 30/08/2025 22:13

I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser.

This is honestly what most people say to excuse their gossiping!

There's always an excuse that they'll offer in the guise of a reason.

Just try to switch your mind off and/or put yourself in the shoes of the person being gossiped about.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if it were you.

Original poster

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 22:16

LoopyLooooo · 30/08/2025 22:13

I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser.

This is honestly what most people say to excuse their gossiping!

There's always an excuse that they'll offer in the guise of a reason.

Just try to switch your mind off and/or put yourself in the shoes of the person being gossiped about.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if it were you.

Genuinely, I really do not like gossip, in the sense that I would never initiate it, but when people start talking about other people, and would say 'dont you think that's awful' is agree and say 'oh yeah really bloody awful'. It's more that I will agree, and then go home and feel really stupid because actually I don't agree but I'm too scared of people's reactions if I say I don't agree or stay quiet. I appreciate that this in itself could be seen as a form of gossip, but despite this I do not like it. What I'm trying to say is I do not thrive off it like some people seem to.

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LoopyLooooo · 30/08/2025 22:24

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 22:16

Genuinely, I really do not like gossip, in the sense that I would never initiate it, but when people start talking about other people, and would say 'dont you think that's awful' is agree and say 'oh yeah really bloody awful'. It's more that I will agree, and then go home and feel really stupid because actually I don't agree but I'm too scared of people's reactions if I say I don't agree or stay quiet. I appreciate that this in itself could be seen as a form of gossip, but despite this I do not like it. What I'm trying to say is I do not thrive off it like some people seem to.

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I appreciate that this in itself could be seen as a form of gossip

Some form?

You're sitting there listening to all the gossip and encouraging it by agreeing.

That's like saying you don't agree with fighting but you're happy to stand round in a circle and watch two people slugging it out.

Either walk away, or if they say "Don't you agree?" just say "No, not really" and leave it at that.

Gossips tend to dislike people not agreeing with them, so stick to that line and you're unlikely to be drawn into it again.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 30/08/2025 22:27

I genuinely don't gossip, I'm of the thinking if a person wants someone to know something they'll be telling them themselves. Some things are just not our story to tell.

FlorenceAgainstTheMachine · 30/08/2025 22:29

I’ve found that having quite strong boundaries and making it clear from the outset that I’ve got no skin in the game means that people get bored of trying to gossip with me. Might be worth a go?

smallpinecone · 30/08/2025 22:30

I never gossip, never have. I genuinely don’t care enough to get involved. Colleagues don’t bother trying to involve me because I don’t have the mental energy to care? I’m just totally uninterested.

PreciousLittleLifeForms · 30/08/2025 22:36

This was something I used to struggle with too. I am also ND and a people pleaser. If the group I was with was indulging in gossip then I went along with it.
I used to feel awful though as they would say some untrue and horrid things about people. Or talk about things that were not really a great thing to be talking about. One time someone was talking in great detail about the finances of someone who was not there. I cut in and said that I didnt think it was an appropriate thing to be discussing.
My tactic now is to just try and veer the topic to something else. But it can be hard sometimes.
I found that some people do nothing but talk about others. It is like they have nothing else going on in their lives to talk about. So I no longer see those people.

SpamBeansAndWaffles · 30/08/2025 22:42

I don't gossip.

I think if someone bitches to you about someone they will definitely also be doing it about you. That put me right off doing it myself as i just realised what a horrible characteristic it ism

If i have something to say I'll say it to the person. Or more usually just let it go.

Bambamhoohoo · 30/08/2025 22:45

I can strongly relate to the people pleasing element. I’m not a gossip and people don’t share gossip with me but I know exactly what you mean as I do it in the workplace all the time

Original poster

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 22:45

SpamBeansAndWaffles · 30/08/2025 22:42

I don't gossip.

I think if someone bitches to you about someone they will definitely also be doing it about you. That put me right off doing it myself as i just realised what a horrible characteristic it ism

If i have something to say I'll say it to the person. Or more usually just let it go.

I agree. I'm realising that I'm really wary of the people who gossip as I suspect they must do it about me too.

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PreciousLittleLifeForms · 30/08/2025 22:51

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 22:45

I agree. I'm realising that I'm really wary of the people who gossip as I suspect they must do it about me too.

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This was part of what changed things for me. Gossips will talk about anyone who is not there and that includes you.

Original poster

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 22:52

PreciousLittleLifeForms · 30/08/2025 22:51

This was part of what changed things for me. Gossips will talk about anyone who is not there and that includes you.

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Do you think they feel guilty? Even if I am aware of something someone had said about someone I feel immense feeling of guilt, and find it incredibly uncomfortable. I don't even have to have been in the room.

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Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2025 22:52

There is evidence that some low level gossip is actually normal and good for social cohesion, especially if it’s positive and looking out for other people. Malicious gossip is bad, but ‘oh did you hear so and so got a promotion?’ is perfectly normal.

In our office there is one woman who is guarded and never joins in conversations, she’s desperate to steer everyone onto a path of toxic positivity. Nobody trusts her. So I would say there are worst things in a workplace than gossip.

Someone2025 · 30/08/2025 22:54

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 22:45

I agree. I'm realising that I'm really wary of the people who gossip as I suspect they must do it about me too.

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The saying ‘ if they’re gossiping to you, they are gossiping about you’

PreciousLittleLifeForms · 30/08/2025 22:55

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 22:52

Do you think they feel guilty? Even if I am aware of something someone had said about someone I feel immense feeling of guilt, and find it incredibly uncomfortable. I don't even have to have been in the room.

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No because it is their hobby.
I find it telling when someone cant talk about anything else apart from other people.

Original poster

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 22:55

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2025 22:52

There is evidence that some low level gossip is actually normal and good for social cohesion, especially if it’s positive and looking out for other people. Malicious gossip is bad, but ‘oh did you hear so and so got a promotion?’ is perfectly normal.

In our office there is one woman who is guarded and never joins in conversations, she’s desperate to steer everyone onto a path of toxic positivity. Nobody trusts her. So I would say there are worst things in a workplace than gossip.

Yes, I guess I'm talking about anything that would hurt someone else if they knew it had been said about them.

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beelegal · 30/08/2025 22:55

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2025 22:52

There is evidence that some low level gossip is actually normal and good for social cohesion, especially if it’s positive and looking out for other people. Malicious gossip is bad, but ‘oh did you hear so and so got a promotion?’ is perfectly normal.

In our office there is one woman who is guarded and never joins in conversations, she’s desperate to steer everyone onto a path of toxic positivity. Nobody trusts her. So I would say there are worst things in a workplace than gossip.

“Toxic positivity”…wow.
You are the problem not her.

PreciousLittleLifeForms · 30/08/2025 22:56

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2025 22:52

There is evidence that some low level gossip is actually normal and good for social cohesion, especially if it’s positive and looking out for other people. Malicious gossip is bad, but ‘oh did you hear so and so got a promotion?’ is perfectly normal.

In our office there is one woman who is guarded and never joins in conversations, she’s desperate to steer everyone onto a path of toxic positivity. Nobody trusts her. So I would say there are worst things in a workplace than gossip.

That makes sense. I think it is good to only talk about someone if you would be happy for them to hear what you are saying. Discussing positive things is not a bad thing and I would not class as gossip.

Suednymph · 30/08/2025 22:58

I have diagnosed ADHD and actively refuse to gossip, be in a room where people are gossiping etc. I am all about justice and the injustice of someone slandering another person to me makes me walk not talk.

outingouting · 30/08/2025 23:06

I absolutely love gossiping. It’s one of my favourite hobbies. I have to hold back from putting it on my CV.

id never gossip about my real friends. Even tho there’s some absolute belters. My lips are sealed.

I also don’t tell random people anything I’d not want them to share.

but if I hear juicy stories about a random person or friend of a friend? Yes I’m telling everyone.

MeganM3 · 30/08/2025 23:07

My mother has always been a gossip and it really has put me off spending time with her.
I grew up thinking that everyone was talking about me when I wasn’t there, because of how my mum carried on. That it was normal for your friends and family to discuss your personal life with eachother.
I’d get upset as a child hearing negative things said about people we knew and I was fond of, and I’d often ask her why or to please stop it.

I think her and her sister and mum (my grandmother) are so happy chatting away and gossiping that they don’t even notice they’re doing it. They enjoy it. They seem to be so accustomed to it. They don’t seem to know that it’s horrible.

The best thing to do is to change the subject or simply say you’d prefer not to gossip. If all else fails you might have to reduce certain friendships.

Original poster

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 23:08

outingouting · 30/08/2025 23:06

I absolutely love gossiping. It’s one of my favourite hobbies. I have to hold back from putting it on my CV.

id never gossip about my real friends. Even tho there’s some absolute belters. My lips are sealed.

I also don’t tell random people anything I’d not want them to share.

but if I hear juicy stories about a random person or friend of a friend? Yes I’m telling everyone.

See I know someone who tells me every bit of gossip going, about her colleagues, friends, celebrities, and I find it all intotrably boring. I guess other people might enjoy it but I just sit there thinking 'i don't care make it stop'. I hate it when it's about people I know even if not my friends.

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B1anche · 30/08/2025 23:11

outingouting · 30/08/2025 23:06

I absolutely love gossiping. It’s one of my favourite hobbies. I have to hold back from putting it on my CV.

id never gossip about my real friends. Even tho there’s some absolute belters. My lips are sealed.

I also don’t tell random people anything I’d not want them to share.

but if I hear juicy stories about a random person or friend of a friend? Yes I’m telling everyone.

But how do you know if these 'juicy stories' are true or not? They may 'just' be friends of friends but they are real people and you could be wrecking their lives by passing on idle gossip.

outingouting · 30/08/2025 23:24

None of it is shared with people who know them. I’m not ruining lives.

I live in a big city so I can say to friend A: oh my friend B’s cousin shagged this fella etc etc.

they’ll never meet or know each other. I don’t even say their names.

that’s my point - I love sharing gossip when it’s removed from the people it affects but just great stories.