Giving up gossip

[ratatouille99]

Has anyone ever actively done this?

I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser. When people are gossiping around me I find myself commenting based on what I think they want to hear. Often getting drawn in. I am neurodivergent (ADHD/ASD) and therefore often do things to try and fit in. This may also be down to my personality. I'm fed up of feeling guilty whenever this happens, which isn't all the time, but enough for me to be writing this post. I'm actively going to either walk away, or listen quietly, and have prompts ready for when I do not want to be involved. All the best people I know are impartial. Though I'm worried people will think I'm being standoffish and have 'changed'.

Has anyone else actively chosen to stop being involved in drama, even indirectly or after being drawn in, and their feelings improved?

Is that gossip tho? Just sounds like rubbish boring chat about people. I feel like gossip is really interesting stuff usually comprising shagging, criminal offences, etc

I also take pleasure from gossiping. And sometimes I find it cathartic to criticise other people. But I think it doesn't bring anything good to me and I really, really look down on people who do it. So I avoid it. And if someone comes to me with juicy gossip, I listen, try not to say anything judgy or bitchy and don't spread the gossip.
If people ask you about your opinion, you can say something non committal like "It's complicated" or "they probably have their reasons".

At least you're honest.

I'd prefer that any day to people who sit and listen to/take part in gossip, and then pretend they're any better than the people they're moaning about.

Negative gossip I never get involved with, whose having an affair, whose been a bitch to someone, whose child is a nightmare for example.

I often hear nice things about people, someone receiving a great promotion, someone buying a new car, someone graduating etc. I never get involved in discussing people though, the most I say is “oh how lovely”. If people want to tell me their news they will.

I never understand why people gossip or spread rumours.

You could adopt my personal rule - 'don't say anything about someone that you wouldn't say to their face'.

Gossiping negatively makes me feel dirty but catching up on news is totally different.

I have however caught myself moaning negatively about people but each time realised it’s more about me feeling rubbish and overwhelmed at work.

im one of a close group of friends and we share lots but it’s kind, caring and wanting the best for each other. Constructive and helpful outcomes.

I’m trying not to gossip also. It’s very tough in work because it’s a very bitchy office, I find it so tough not to get sucked in. I try to be so busy I don’t hear them. I know for a fact they gossip about me too, one person in particular repeats everything back to our manager

in my younger years I was a terrible gossip, but I try to remind myself it’s not my business to share and i hope I’ve improved over the years

Please don’t use the neurodivergent card to excuse crappy behaviour 🙄

we all gossip. I don’t think we’ve ever met someone who doesn’t gossip in one way or another.

It’s not nice, I think it’s good you’re looking to try and actively improve on this. I used to be terrible at gossiping about situations I know 1% about. However I’ve really learnt to tone this down, but this is not to say I NEVER EVER EVER gossip, because unfortunately I do!

I’ve recently started working with a gossip. I’m not from the local area so have no idea who she is on about most of the time but it’s been a worthy reminder and I will absolutely take care what I say around her.

If people gossip I avoid them like the plague. I hate bitchy gossips because they can do so much damage to people.

Girl

I'm several wines in

I've had to pause the music to tell you that yabu

What's a life with no fun?

Yabu

I'm not using the 'neurodivergent card' (that's a horrible phrase), I pointed out that I am a people pleaser and I have spent my whole life trying to mask and fit in, possibly because I often feel very different. I also acknowledged that this may also be a personality thing. And I don't think all people do gossip. Not with everyone anyway. As I said, the best people I know seem not to (though may do so when with family or people they trust, who knows). Thanks all.

I remember having a cuppa with a neighbour when our DDs were in primary school & she kept trying to start a conversation with me but it was all based on what this person had done or what shocking thing that person had got up to or “ Did you hear what the headmaster said to Mrs X” etc etc. It felt like a foreign language to me & pretty awkward. We never did become proper friends because she was forever talking negatively about people behind their backs.

This is a really weird take.
She is probably guarded because from what you posted it sounds like she works in a snake pit.

@ratatouille99 just remove yourself. And answer in short sentences with innocuous statements. “Really?” “That must have been difficult” “She did well to get that promotion”. Then just walk away.

I hate gossips. Especially the ones who dress up bitching behind people’s backs as some sort of team building exercise. 🙄.

@cheapskatemum

I really like the sound of your friend. You are lucky to have her.

Op i think your idea of having some stock responses is a great idea. I used to work somewhere where everyone loved a good gossip about anyone, usually people I didn't know. God it was dull!

I perfected a mix of bland non confrontational responses and conversation deflectors.

Juniper was flirting with Sarah at the pub yesterday and Sam said it wasn't the first time. Isnt that so terrible, she's such a tart!
"Im not sure i know them. Juniper isn't a name you hear often, I think i quite like it. What's that you have for lunch?"

If a person is happy to gossip about someone else to you what are they saying about you to someone else can't stand gossips and will openly ask such a question when people attempt to share gossip about others with me

Hilarious. Far from a ‘snake pit’! We are all a bunch of civilised older women who mainly talk about our book clubs, dogs and grandchildren!

I use to be like this, I would say what I thought people would want me to say. Now I try to follow the rule would I say this to someone’s face.

Psychological safety mate. Look it up. 🙄

Gossiping when your intention is to ruin someone’s reputation is shitty. If you are talking about someone in a positive way then there’s no issue.

I love a good gossip! But not about something I've been asked to keep quiet or something obviously very personal. If my mate got a cancer diagnosis and didn't want anyone else to know then I'm obviously not going to spread it around! If someone is caught having an affair or something though then they deserve to be gossiped about IMO for their shitty behaviour.

I think the problem with this though is that it’s so easy for misinformation to get spread. Doesn’t that worry you? You’re unlikely to know the whole truth of anything.

My friend was mercilessly gossiped about in her first job after uni, accused of an affair with a manager. In actual fact he had been relentlessly sexually harassing her and boasting about it to his male colleagues, who decided she must be ‘loving it’ when in fact she was too scared to go to HR at 21 in her first job to complain about a senior member of staff. She never reciprocated in any way.

It made her unwell (the gossiping as much as his behaviour) and, as so depressingly often happens, it was her who was left without a job as it became impossible for her to stay.

I hope everyone who gossiped about her (and as usual picked up on everything else about her once they decided she was fair game due to the ‘affair’ that wasn’t actually happening - her voice, her clothing, her personality etc) were ashamed of themselves when the truth came out once he targeted someone slightly more senior and willing to go to HR.

“People pleaser”

My ass