Giving up gossip

[ratatouille99]

Has anyone ever actively done this?

I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser. When people are gossiping around me I find myself commenting based on what I think they want to hear. Often getting drawn in. I am neurodivergent (ADHD/ASD) and therefore often do things to try and fit in. This may also be down to my personality. I'm fed up of feeling guilty whenever this happens, which isn't all the time, but enough for me to be writing this post. I'm actively going to either walk away, or listen quietly, and have prompts ready for when I do not want to be involved. All the best people I know are impartial. Though I'm worried people will think I'm being standoffish and have 'changed'.

Has anyone else actively chosen to stop being involved in drama, even indirectly or after being drawn in, and their feelings improved?

Gossip is fun

My friend and I only gossip about one person but she’s a right pain. Tbh, my friend brings her up way more than me, I haven’t seen this person in 5 years and I think she treats my friend quite badly. Generally, if I don’t like someone, I don’t hang around them so no need to gossip 🤷‍♀️ I’m in my 40s now so I don’t have loads of friends but the ones I do, I love to bits and don’t have a bad word to say about them.

If you are hanging out with gossipers you are hanging out with lowlives. Do better.

I hate gossip and just say l don't want to get involved.

But, I am a people pleaser. It's something I'm working on. I'm in therapy with someone who specialises in ADHD and ASD, who is working with me on people pleasing behaviours and RSD which are extremely common in people like me with ADHD and ASD. I am not blaming everything in my life on this, just stating that it influences my decisions. It has actually been a real issue for me. But you are entitled to your opinion.

OP, let me guess you also self-describe yourself as “too nice”?

Some people can be people pleasers and agreeable to what others say.. even if what they are staying is shitty

Would you think that if the gossip was about you or your family?

Well they’re not people pleasers are they

They’re pathetically spineless

Can still be people pleasers. Are you perfect?

It’s putting a nice label on something that is far from nice

and don’t be so silly. No I am not “perfect” 🙄

Being a people pleaser is not nice. It is a weakness that stems from insecurity. Nobody is saying it is nice.

I don’t believe it even exists

And in the OP’s case it appears to just be a case of being a gossip. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Everyone gossips! We evolved to bond by the sharing of info. Usually its not bitching just updating on people's lives.

I know people have gossiped about me and it doesn't bother me unless it's a complete character assassination.

I can keep a secret if needed. I'd never share anything about a good friend they wouldn't want others to know.

This. My Mum is the same and it’s really affected my friendships as I’ve always assumed that people don’t really like me and that they’re rolling their eyes behind my back.

Have you never said a bad word anyone ever? I’m not arguing, genuinely just interested.
it is hard for me to believe that no human has ever not gossiped about someone at some point. I’m not saying it is right. I just think as humans we are not perfect and fuck up sometimes.
Atleast the op acknowledged her flaws and is trying to better herself. Some bitchy fuckers don’t care.

I hate gossip and if someone gossips to me I know to be careful around them because the next time they will be gossiping about me to someone else.

OP has ASD.
I do too and we can be notorious people pleasers as a form of masking and just trying to fit in. I had no friends so people pleased so people liked me. Sometimes this meant going along with gossip etc even things I did not like. Better than being the weird loner.

OP is realising that is what is happening and is asking about changing things. It can be done.

Calling her things like spineless is cruel.

This.

it is ironic that this PP is making accusations about people not being nice, when she is not being nice herself.

I agree. Also, people pleasing is a massive excuse for being a coward. Sorry but there it is.

No it is a coping mechanism. Especially in ND people.

Well we will have to disagree then.

Ahh I misread your thread title as 'Giving us gossip' and opened the thread to find out who and what and when. Disappointing

Well you are also disagreeing with the therapist that OP is seeing.