Giving up gossip

[ratatouille99]

Has anyone ever actively done this?

I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser. When people are gossiping around me I find myself commenting based on what I think they want to hear. Often getting drawn in. I am neurodivergent (ADHD/ASD) and therefore often do things to try and fit in. This may also be down to my personality. I'm fed up of feeling guilty whenever this happens, which isn't all the time, but enough for me to be writing this post. I'm actively going to either walk away, or listen quietly, and have prompts ready for when I do not want to be involved. All the best people I know are impartial. Though I'm worried people will think I'm being standoffish and have 'changed'.

Has anyone else actively chosen to stop being involved in drama, even indirectly or after being drawn in, and their feelings improved?

I don’t care.

Some therapists are good, some aren’t.

I don’t have a problem people disagreeing with me. Do you?

Absolutely this 👆
it’s not good for anyone and if anyone tries to do it around me it makes me feel grubby .

I agree. There’s no excuse.

Talking about other peoples lives is a very human trait and has been happening since humans could communicate

I think it would be weird not to talk about anyone ever, and we all know the difference between ‘harmless gossip’ and ‘malicious gossip’. It can be a fine line but you can feel the jntention either from yourself or the other person. So there are people I enjoy ‘harmless gossip’ with, and others that I know think I’m boring/weird because I won’t gossip with them (generally keep my distance) and pull them up when they say cruel things (which makes them not like me even more).

My gauge for myself is ‘would I defend what I’m saying if the person overheard me or would I just be mortified because I know I’m being a shit’ ..

We all say things we don’t want other people to overhear, but it’s not necessarily bad to say them. As my MIL says, what other people think of me is none of my business!

But we all know when we are just being mean. There’s a mutual friend that a friend and I have very strong opinions about and we agreed to not talk about her anymore. We could feel in ourselves this was not nice and was bringing out an unpleasant aspect of our characters.

Not your friend giving you up for Lent 🤣🤣.

As long as you're not a malicious gossip or spiller of secrets, you should be reasonably okay.

yes I have said a bad word about someone to someone else.

however I don’t describe myself as a “people pleaser” because of it. Instead I know that it’s not a very nice thing to do and try to limit myself doing it rather than trying to positively label is as being a bloomin “people pleaser”!! @Dodeedoo

I think there's a difference between offloading in a discreet and private way about someone with whom you have a genuine grievance to a trusted friend and mindlessly sharing private information about other people.

Sometimes you have to be able to share something that has upset you and sense check what's happened. If someone does this to me I will take it in the manner its intended and treat it with confidence.

But people who love slagging off other people for shits and giggles I always give a wide berth to. And BTW for the self-described "people peasers": I don't think you will "please" anyone by nodding along with their gossip. You're far more likely to earn respect from people by making clear that you won't participate.

No! I bloody love gossip. I went out with 9 girlfriends the other night and we gossiped all night. When my husband picked me up, the first thing he said was ‘any gossip?’ 😂

You are gossiping about people
so you aren’t “people pleasing” the people you’re gossiping about are you?

I just can’t stand this tendency towards labelling something unpleasant as pleasant. If I find my self being drawn to gossip, which thankfully is bloody rare, then it’s on ME and it’s not nice. The idea of dressing it up as “people pleasing” is daft. Utterly daft.

So agree with you. Well said.

And I’ve been pulled up on this because it’s part of being ND and ‘masking’.

You have completely misunderstood

my issue is dressing up something unpleasant (gossiping) as nice .

if I gossip, I’m being a shit. Hence trying to limit or or avoid not proudly wearing as a “people pleasing” badge!

Do you have children out of interest @outingouting ?

Gossip serves an evolutionary purpose and there are a ton of academic books and studies to read about it if you can be arsed.

Made me feel a lot better about indulging from time to time.

I’m interested in the evolutionary purpose, care to share?

I agree. The ‘people pleasers’ are pleasing themselves, nodding dogs.

Depends what you mean by gossip. My wider friendship group don’t get to meet up so often any more, so we often talk about each other when we do meet, as a way of sharing news. But it’s not done in a nasty way; it’s more “have you seen X recently?” “Yes, she’s found a new house to move to and her son won a cycling competition. Oh and her DH was made redundant last month so they’re not in the best place at the moment - maybe send her a message if you haven’t spoken to her recently”.

I have certain friends where we do gossip about a particular individual and we’re not saying nice things; but that’s because the person we’re talking about isn’t nice! So I’ve got an ex colleague who still works at the place we were at together and she’ll always fill me in on our common “enemy” at work. This woman makes people’s lives hell, so I really don’t care that we say bad things about her - she totally deserves it!

only time it’s bad IMO is when it’s two-faced - so you’re saying horrible things about a supposed friend. That’s a rubbish thing to do and makes you a bad friend.

I'm not really a gossipy person either, too antisocial for that but I am sure that they now think that there are some major benefits to gossip, that it deepens bonds and spreads useful information that can protect people from harm.

Who’s ‘they’?

This is similar to me. Im never quite sure on these threads whether gossip is just bitching or sharing news like you've said.

If I meet up with girlfriends we always catch up on news. Recently it was how kids we used to know got on in gcses and where they're going - holidays etc. Sometimes might be "I wouldn't do that/make that choice" but not really negative.

Does all that count?

I think there is gossip and bitchy gossip. Work gossip about a promotion or someone leaving 'what a great opportunity she has', talking about what people were wearing at a party 'Lucy's dress was gorgeous, looked really expensive', someone's new boyfriend 'he seemed quiet - probably shy' - or 'thank fuck that useless bitch is leaving", 'how on earth does Lucy afford that dress, it was vile' or 'he was a stuck up git, never spoke to any of us'.

Here are some phrases you can use:
“It is awful, I hope she’s okay”
”it wouldn’t be my choice, but each to their own I suppose”
”I wonder if that’s the whole story, you never really know what’s going on with someone”

I love a gossip but I'm not horrible. If you're associated with neo nazis, a domestic abuser, your small cake business has put a million through the books etc I will gossip about you. I don't think I ever punch down and I will defend people behind their backs too.

Well I hope you’d do more than gossip in the scenarios your list