Giving up gossip

[ratatouille99]

Has anyone ever actively done this?

I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser. When people are gossiping around me I find myself commenting based on what I think they want to hear. Often getting drawn in. I am neurodivergent (ADHD/ASD) and therefore often do things to try and fit in. This may also be down to my personality. I'm fed up of feeling guilty whenever this happens, which isn't all the time, but enough for me to be writing this post. I'm actively going to either walk away, or listen quietly, and have prompts ready for when I do not want to be involved. All the best people I know are impartial. Though I'm worried people will think I'm being standoffish and have 'changed'.

Has anyone else actively chosen to stop being involved in drama, even indirectly or after being drawn in, and their feelings improved?

Whenever I read on mumsnet someone describe themself as “too nice”

I think… I bet you are the only person who thinks that about you

"People pleasing" is absolutely a thing. And a negative trait. It's a term as it's helpful for people in therapy/ group therapy to understand and recognise what they're doing

Often people initially think it's about "being nice" but it can stem from a fear of rocking the boat, fear of reprisals (ie in childhood maybe learnt to be on edge and so what parents want to keep the peace). Or from a religious "always put the other person first". What often seems to happen in therapy is understanding that "people pleasing" is a learnt behaviour. That always saying "you choose" or "I don't mind" or just agreeing with people's opinions in a group is actually inauthentic/doesn't actually make people happy/ can be really irritating!

That's why its a term. It exists. It's not a positive and it's really helpful to describe a particular learned behaviour. So it absolutely makes sense that someone ND in therapy is learning about it and overcoming it.

Thank you

Thank you for posting this. It is very useful unlike the arguing now on this thread.

That always saying "you choose" or "I don't mind" or just agreeing with people's opinions in a group is actually inauthentic/doesn't actually make people happy/ can be really irritating!

so it isn’t people pleasing then!!!

It's what the term "people pleasing" means. People mould themselves to what they think is "nice" and going along with what others want.

It takes insightb(hence therapy) to realise it often doesn't really please people if you want authentic relationshops. Or perhaps only does on a superficial level.

But like how being a yes-man at work might feel like you're being adaptable and dependable but can lead to burnout or just not respected for not having opinions.

Its literally a term.

Honestly it's not worth everyone else engaging with these circular discussions.

Anyone can Google (I've literally jsut tried it) and see what the term is and a better explanation of it than I've just given. My Google AI even at the top goes into reasons why people do it, etc.

I do think it’s due a rebrand, though. So many pass agg martyrs / intrusive ‘caretakers’ / guilt-trippers / bystanders / apologists and enablers for awful behaviour wear ‘people pleasing’ as a badge of honour. Ooh I’m just too nice! You know me, I’m such a pushover. I just want everyone else to be happy.

I think if we called it something like ‘maladaptive passivity’ or ‘forcible altruism’ or even ‘no solid sense of self’, people might be a bit more ready to look at their behaviour and try to do things differently.

Yes I learned about people pleasing in therapy. There are so many forms it can take.
We learned about boundaries and how to set them and also how to recognise our own values. All this helped me become less of a people pleaser.

Exactly
it needs a rebrand
“people pleasing” has an undercurrent of something positive
when it is 100% not positive behaviour in any shape or form

well yeah, it should be called something like that and I’m sure that less people would then want to be labelled as such!

Nailed it

I disagree. Not all people pleasing is someone lacking integrity. It can cover a lot of things. Some people are people pleasers simply because they want to be liked and fit in. They are nice people but are being nice at their own cost and can be taken advantage of.

Absolutely @PreciousLittleLifeForms .

So they are, gulp, “too nice”

I never said that. They are often ND people who are not sure how to make friends and maintain relationships.

@LittlePineapple @PreciousLittleLifeForms
you are both completely correct in what you are saying but you will just go round in circles in an attempt to get heard. Some people just do not want to believe that people pleasing is a thing.

Yes it seems that some people on here just want a fight.

Do you self describe yourself @PreciousLittleLifeForms as being a “people pleaser” out of interest?

So you do think that anyone who disagrees with the label “people pleaser” is wrong?

100 percent. All the OP has done is identify a character flaw with the aim for bettering herself, but unfortunately some people want to crucify her simply because she said she is ND and a people pleaser. Not surprised she hasn’t been back

Not agreeing with what we view a nonsense term is not looking for a fight.
It is disagreeing with you 🤷‍♀️

Oh god…. I don’t see her as a “people pleaser”

She is gossiping. The end.

It is a term though. You may think it is nonsense which is fair enough, but it is literally a term.

I used to be but I had therapy. I learnt to set boundaries and what my values are.
People used to take advantage of me.
Now I surround myself with people that I do not have to mask around. People pleasing for me was part of masking and a maladaptive coping mechanism.