Giving up gossip

[ratatouille99]

Has anyone ever actively done this?

I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser. When people are gossiping around me I find myself commenting based on what I think they want to hear. Often getting drawn in. I am neurodivergent (ADHD/ASD) and therefore often do things to try and fit in. This may also be down to my personality. I'm fed up of feeling guilty whenever this happens, which isn't all the time, but enough for me to be writing this post. I'm actively going to either walk away, or listen quietly, and have prompts ready for when I do not want to be involved. All the best people I know are impartial. Though I'm worried people will think I'm being standoffish and have 'changed'.

Has anyone else actively chosen to stop being involved in drama, even indirectly or after being drawn in, and their feelings improved?

And I was honest. I too am entitled to my opinion. We can agree to disagree. But you go stomping off in a huff it you want. And leave behind your pass agg heart.

I’m not huffing at all 🤣

It struck me as a bit huffy 😆

Are you not? Looked like it. I mean, you throw accusations around…. and leave a heart. Sounds huffy to me.

Do you have children @Dodeedoo ?

if they came to you, very upset that people at school had been gossiping about them, would you launch in to a staunch defence that amongst the crowd of gossips, there may well be poor victims of “people pleasing” behaviour?

A weirdly passive aggressive one at that!

Defo not. I am able to have a constructive debate with people without getting nasty. I’ll leave you two to continue to throwing your little digs at people

Right! But I was asking for it apparently because I’m looking for a fight.

@Laxonaweekend @Shelly369 you two could be mean girl bezzie mates 🤣🤣🤣

There you go again. Can you not have a conversation unless someone agrees with you?

100% this.

I like to know work ‘gossip’ that affects me - e.g are we about to be bought by a larger company and half of us will be laid off, etc. People who are open to hearing information through unofficial channels tend to get a heads-up about major changes in time to prepare.

Some gossip is also helpful in order to gauge who is and is not trustworthy in your organisation. IME the very idealistic people who won’t be involved in any speculative chat about others’ behaviour and motives, and always want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, are the least interpersonally savvy and most likely to end up exploited by bad actors, or left behind in decision-making because they don’t ever really have the full picture.

The kind of gossip that’s just nasty, though, I have no time for. Bitchy stuff about people’s financial situation, or mental health, or the state of their marriage.

what can I say… I’m a people pleaser

Haha!

Definitely not. I have never once said that people pleasing is a good thing or is it an excuse. I agreed with you upthread that it is spineless. I’ve just said that it does exist.

Cool

I don’t think it’s “people pleasing” and I think that very label indicates something positive about something negative, and is nonsense.

I’m ND and honestly I generally enjoy a good bit of gossip as does everyone else. The amount of posters on this thread who claim that they never gossip or bitch about anyone is hilarious.

Happy to admit that I am also guilt of people pleasing (not related to gossiping though, I do that for the love of it 😂). I agree that people pleasing is a bit cowardly. I do it because in some situations can’t be arsed with the minor conflict it might invoke if I didn’t people please and I’m too wimpy to have integrity. It is a bit annoying when some ND people can’t take accountability for absolutely anything and blame/hide behind their diagnosis.

So to be clear, you wouldn’t say to your child that maybe XYZ are “people pleasers”?

I’ve just seen this. Yes! All of those accusations will be thrown at me (even if those specific words aren’t used). Goady comes close…..

A shrug with "who am I to judge?" tends to shut them up and stop them including you in any gossip.

This is so much better than other people’s status!

If I did say that then I wouldn’t be labelling it as a good thing. I’d be on the same page as you that it’s pathetic and spineless, but people do try it. It’s inauthentic.
Being a bitch and nasty about someone is not nice. There is no excuse. It’s dicky behaviour and the OP acknowledges it and is trying to do better.

Ah that old chestnut. Agreed. In much the same way as someone I work with keeps reminding me that x happened because “everyone loves me”. They don’t. But he has skin like a rhino hide and comments bounce off him.

He also thinks he’s too nice. I’ve heard him being absolutely vile to people. Apparently he’s a malicious gossip too (I’ve heard some of it - and I told him what he said was factually incorrect, he shouldn’t repeat it, and then he apparently said worse to others on the team.).

This guy does not know how close he came to losing his job. What he was saying was utterly repulsive and he really should have on a disciplinary because of it.

So you wouldn’t label it as “people pleasing” or you would but would say that you don’t think it’s a positive?