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Original poster

MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

301 replies

Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 15:36

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

OP posts:
Oldwmn · 31/08/2025 19:26

pineapplecrushed · 31/08/2025 14:14

holy crap lol.... it's your SIL, who you like.
I can't believe how dramatic you are being.

That's the point. It's the SECRET element that's the issue. Why would they need to keep her visit a secret when there is a good relationship? It's weird. It might all turn out to be a bit of a misunderstanding, almost certainly will. What makes it weird is the secrecy.
I often think that people don't actually read the OP's post on MN.

BruFord · 31/08/2025 20:39

bevelino · 31/08/2025 18:21

This
A total non issue.

Show quote history

@bevelino

So you think it’s fine for you to drive two hours in order to secretly spend time with someone else’s child?

I don’t think it would be fine for me to do that, because I know that I have no right to.

Lavagirl · 01/09/2025 09:15

I don't think you sound controlling at all: it's really underhand for this to have been arranged behind your back. If this had been an uncle rather than an auntie all sorts of alarm bells would be ringing.

MissDoubleU · 01/09/2025 11:05

I get on great with my SIL and I could never see myself thinking there is any world where I would drive 2 hours to her house without mentioning it to her, in order to spend secret time with her child without her knowledge. I just would not think that was okay. Even if mother/MIL heavily encouraged the secret and told me it was fine for some reason.

Good luck today OP

dogcatkitten · 01/09/2025 11:11

Perhaps it was a spur of the moment thing, she was in the area and popped in to see her mother and the baby. I don't think it needs an inquisition. If you specifically didn't want SIL near the baby then that would be different.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 01/09/2025 12:18

dogcatkitten · 01/09/2025 11:11

Perhaps it was a spur of the moment thing, she was in the area and popped in to see her mother and the baby. I don't think it needs an inquisition. If you specifically didn't want SIL near the baby then that would be different.

OP said this…

MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there

So I don’t think she just happened to be in the area (she lives two hours away) but it does seem very much a planned thing.

Anyway, hopefully OP gets a thorough explanation from the SIL today.

BruFord · 01/09/2025 22:06

What happened today, @Loonadoona?

Rockchick76 · 01/09/2025 22:56

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2025 15:54

Keeping it secret and thinking you’d never find out because they believed the doorbell to be broken is odd. Did you say that next time you’d like to know? Sil wanting it to be kept secret is also odd. What was she potentially thinking of doing that you might not like? In my family, we’d probably call round without asking the working parents if it was ok (well, my extended family would, I wouldn’t!). I don’t think it’s a huge deal, but the deliberate secrecy is curious.

“What was she potentially thinking of doing that you might not like?”
This

Oldwmn · 02/09/2025 11:25

I hope OP updates. I am agog.

Original poster
Loonadoona · 02/09/2025 15:52

Oldwmn · 02/09/2025 11:25

I hope OP updates. I am agog.

So, SIL came over and we had a lovely day. I found it hard to raise the topic about her visit but did so eventually and it came more from the point of view that I felt awful thinking that I'd given off such overbearing messages when she spends time with LO. She was shocked at where I got that from and was very clear that she didnt say that to MIL. She said she remembers saying its nice when its just her and LO as she gets 'all the cuddles', but that came across as really sweet and genuine and not odd in any way whatsoever. She seems cross with her mum for implying that she wanted to see LO without us and has apologised to both me and my partner separately for not mentioning her visit beforehand. She said she thought MIL had mentioned it to us and said that she was also surprised when she learned on the day that my partner and I didnt know she was visiting. MIL apparently said that she hadn't told us because she didnt know if SIL would definitely come. SiL said that MIL might not have wanted to mention it in case we felt let down if SIL didnt come....but she could've just said that SIL 'might' come. That would've been a simple way to get around that point! And we wouldnt have been there so wouldnt feel let down either way, so I think thats a bit of a moot point. LO isnt old enough to feel let down so no issue there. My partner came home from work mid-discussion and we all spoke about how it felt from our point of view as parents, as per my first post, and she could understand it. She wants to speak to her mum to see why she said what she said us but we've asked her to hold off.

We are yet to speak with MIL about it, but will do tomorrow. She knows something is up though as she said that both my partner and I have been quiet and asked if we were OK. Im not really sure what to think with regards to MIL but my gut tells me that there is some sort of power play going on. I'd be greatful for any further thoughts on that as it could be something we need to be aware of for the future.

One thing to come out of this though is how supportive my partner has been. Its a really awkward situation, especially as its to do with his side of the family rather than mine, but he's listened to me and I've felt really supported and protected by him. It's the first time I've seen him stand up our new little family and its been interesting to see.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 02/09/2025 15:56

Loonadoona · 02/09/2025 15:52

So, SIL came over and we had a lovely day. I found it hard to raise the topic about her visit but did so eventually and it came more from the point of view that I felt awful thinking that I'd given off such overbearing messages when she spends time with LO. She was shocked at where I got that from and was very clear that she didnt say that to MIL. She said she remembers saying its nice when its just her and LO as she gets 'all the cuddles', but that came across as really sweet and genuine and not odd in any way whatsoever. She seems cross with her mum for implying that she wanted to see LO without us and has apologised to both me and my partner separately for not mentioning her visit beforehand. She said she thought MIL had mentioned it to us and said that she was also surprised when she learned on the day that my partner and I didnt know she was visiting. MIL apparently said that she hadn't told us because she didnt know if SIL would definitely come. SiL said that MIL might not have wanted to mention it in case we felt let down if SIL didnt come....but she could've just said that SIL 'might' come. That would've been a simple way to get around that point! And we wouldnt have been there so wouldnt feel let down either way, so I think thats a bit of a moot point. LO isnt old enough to feel let down so no issue there. My partner came home from work mid-discussion and we all spoke about how it felt from our point of view as parents, as per my first post, and she could understand it. She wants to speak to her mum to see why she said what she said us but we've asked her to hold off.

We are yet to speak with MIL about it, but will do tomorrow. She knows something is up though as she said that both my partner and I have been quiet and asked if we were OK. Im not really sure what to think with regards to MIL but my gut tells me that there is some sort of power play going on. I'd be greatful for any further thoughts on that as it could be something we need to be aware of for the future.

One thing to come out of this though is how supportive my partner has been. Its a really awkward situation, especially as its to do with his side of the family rather than mine, but he's listened to me and I've felt really supported and protected by him. It's the first time I've seen him stand up our new little family and its been interesting to see.

Show quote history

I’m still genuinely suspicious as to why, if your SIL didn’t think it was any secret and assumed you knew, she didn’t mention it when you spoke at length the day before.

The aforementioned moot point seeks to support my theory that it maybe is a little more fishy and disrespectful than she’s trying to play it off as today.

Original poster
Loonadoona · 02/09/2025 15:59

MissDoubleU · 02/09/2025 15:56

I’m still genuinely suspicious as to why, if your SIL didn’t think it was any secret and assumed you knew, she didn’t mention it when you spoke at length the day before.

The aforementioned moot point seeks to support my theory that it maybe is a little more fishy and disrespectful than she’s trying to play it off as today.

Show quote history

Yeah, there's something that still doesnt feel right. You'd mention a visit the next day, wouldnt you.. surely? It just seems like a while lot of them happening to not mention something or not realising that someone hadn't told the other....I feel better now that SIL knows how we feel but I still don't feel settled about it.

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 02/09/2025 16:06

MissDoubleU · 02/09/2025 15:56

I’m still genuinely suspicious as to why, if your SIL didn’t think it was any secret and assumed you knew, she didn’t mention it when you spoke at length the day before.

The aforementioned moot point seeks to support my theory that it maybe is a little more fishy and disrespectful than she’s trying to play it off as today.

Show quote history

Or maybe her mind was just on other things and she just didn’t think to mention it/think of it at all.

Tbh I do think this was MIL trying to ‘encourage’ baby fever in SIL.

MissDoubleU · 02/09/2025 16:07

Loonadoona · 02/09/2025 15:59

Yeah, there's something that still doesnt feel right. You'd mention a visit the next day, wouldnt you.. surely? It just seems like a while lot of them happening to not mention something or not realising that someone hadn't told the other....I feel better now that SIL knows how we feel but I still don't feel settled about it.

Edited
Show quote history

especially when said visit is so far out your way. If you lived on the same street you might not think to, if it’s commonplace and you pop in weekly. It isn’t: she had to drive a very long way and wasn’t planning to stay long enough to see you when you finished work. It wasn’t mentioned to you and they wanted it to be done and over without you knowing about it.

This has been deliberately kept from your and your MIL was extremely cagey as soon as she was questioned around it.

I also wouldn’t be comfortable with the MIL having free access to my child knowing she thinks it’s fine to lie to me like this. The whole thing makes me deeply uncomfortable and I think you are completely valid in your feelings here. You’ve been more than fair but they need to understand you feel how you feel because regardless, you’ve been deceived.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 02/09/2025 16:12

Has FIL said anything? I assume he also knew?

Oldwmn · 02/09/2025 16:12

InterIgnis · 02/09/2025 16:06

Or maybe her mind was just on other things and she just didn’t think to mention it/think of it at all.

Tbh I do think this was MIL trying to ‘encourage’ baby fever in SIL.

Show quote history

This. I think MIL is the one playing games here. Tbh, now that OP has spoken to SIL, she should let it drop.

GreenFritillary · 02/09/2025 16:13

I might be inclined to agree a simple statement with partner for MiL, to the effect that you have both spoken about it with SiL, everything is fine, but you both want to make it clear that you don't want this sort of secrecy again. Then when she starts justifying herself, say it's over and you're not discussing it further. When she goes on, say something like, 'Would you like another coffee? I've got some nice... to have with it.'

MissDoubleU · 02/09/2025 16:13

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 02/09/2025 16:12

Has FIL said anything? I assume he also knew?

Perhaps DH should speak to FIL and try to cut to the issue. Perhaps he’ll be direct, perhaps not.

Midnights68 · 02/09/2025 16:30

I don’t think you sound controlling or weird. It’s bizarre behaviour.

I don’t ever secretly spend time with other people’s children. I’m amazed that so many people think that’s absolutely fine and that anyone who has a problem with it is controlling.

BruFord · 02/09/2025 16:34

GreenFritillary · 02/09/2025 16:13

I might be inclined to agree a simple statement with partner for MiL, to the effect that you have both spoken about it with SiL, everything is fine, but you both want to make it clear that you don't want this sort of secrecy again. Then when she starts justifying herself, say it's over and you're not discussing it further. When she goes on, say something like, 'Would you like another coffee? I've got some nice... to have with it.'

I agree with @GreenFritillary, a simple statement to your MIL that you don’t want any more secrecy and move on.

Your DS is her first grandchild and she might be abit possessive over him, but ultimately he’s your child, not hers. You need to know who comes to your house to see him.

jonthebatiste · 02/09/2025 16:36

I posted upthread that this is exactly the sort of stunt my MIL would pull.

In her case, it's because (1) she (and only she!) saw herself as the matriarch of the family, and as such the sole arbiter/manipulator of who saw who, who knew what etc. For example, after a long period of infertility with considerable medical intervention that wasn't easy to hide (and before we knew what she would be like with a grandchild), we told her at 9 weeks about a pregnancy that stuck and asked her to keep it private until 12 weeks. Her response was "I will decide what my children know, not you" and promptly told all her children and siblings (2) as the grandmother of her son's child, she didn't consider me as the mother of that child. Seriously. She thought her son needed her help in raising that child, and it came as a shock to her that not only was he quite capable, but the child's actual mother was there. She struggled with her irrelevance as a mother-figure for years, before settling into a grandmother role.

You sound a lot nicer than me, and your MIL doesn't sound as batshit as mine but there could be similar thought processes going on. Especially if she's providing childcare to help you out. Ie that she's in charge, she will decide what happens, that on that day the child is hers because you've abrogated responsibility to her and of course she doesn't need to be accountable to you because not only does she know better (having raised her own children successfully enough for you to marry one), she's doing you a favour so have no grounds to say anything.

Ddakji · 02/09/2025 16:49

Gordon Bennett, what a palaver over nothing. If you hadn’t got a spy ring doorbell you’d be none the wiser and your baby would still be absolutely fine with a loving auntie and GPs happy to provide free childcare for you.

BruFord · 02/09/2025 16:55

She struggled with her irrelevance as a mother-figure for years, before settling into a grandmother role.

@jonthebatiste I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.

@Ddakji Ring doorbells aren’t spy cameras, we’d have had a lot more parcels nicked if we didn’t have one. We’ve previously had a bike taken! They’re commonplace in a city.

Checkard · 02/09/2025 19:10

jonthebatiste · 02/09/2025 16:36

I posted upthread that this is exactly the sort of stunt my MIL would pull.

In her case, it's because (1) she (and only she!) saw herself as the matriarch of the family, and as such the sole arbiter/manipulator of who saw who, who knew what etc. For example, after a long period of infertility with considerable medical intervention that wasn't easy to hide (and before we knew what she would be like with a grandchild), we told her at 9 weeks about a pregnancy that stuck and asked her to keep it private until 12 weeks. Her response was "I will decide what my children know, not you" and promptly told all her children and siblings (2) as the grandmother of her son's child, she didn't consider me as the mother of that child. Seriously. She thought her son needed her help in raising that child, and it came as a shock to her that not only was he quite capable, but the child's actual mother was there. She struggled with her irrelevance as a mother-figure for years, before settling into a grandmother role.

You sound a lot nicer than me, and your MIL doesn't sound as batshit as mine but there could be similar thought processes going on. Especially if she's providing childcare to help you out. Ie that she's in charge, she will decide what happens, that on that day the child is hers because you've abrogated responsibility to her and of course she doesn't need to be accountable to you because not only does she know better (having raised her own children successfully enough for you to marry one), she's doing you a favour so have no grounds to say anything.

I think this is it.
Her bossy controlling streak leaking out.
I would be wary of her.
This won't be the last time you see it.
It is a rare woman that doesn't prefer the independence, that paying for childcare brings.

phoenixrosehere · 03/09/2025 11:39

Midnights68 · 02/09/2025 16:30

I don’t think you sound controlling or weird. It’s bizarre behaviour.

I don’t ever secretly spend time with other people’s children. I’m amazed that so many people think that’s absolutely fine and that anyone who has a problem with it is controlling.

So many seem to allow it if it means “free” childcare from what I’ve gathered from this thread.

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