MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

[Loonadoona]

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

You wouldn't have an issue with a relative (who is always welcome) paying a secret visit to your house while you aren't there??
Come on, it's weird af.

Bottom line is it’s your house and your child that the in-laws are looking after and the sneakiness and lying and gaslighting you and still not actually being honest with you would be the reason I’d stop this one day a week at your house and take your keys back off them too!! Who else have they invited over that you might not want in your house when they’ve been there that’s had a good poke around in your stuff while they’ve been there/left someone you don’t know looking after your child if they had something else they wanted to do that day etc?!🤷‍♀️ if they have lied and not just lied but wouldn’t have even told you about your sil visit etc if you hadn’t seen the video footage then frankly I’d be goons through the footage from every week when they are there to see if the is is a one off or does this happen a lot?!

Strange then since less than 48 hours before SIL visit without her brother and OP’s knowledge, SIL and OP scheduled to see each other Monday and SIL lives 2 hours away so not exactly coming from a short distance.

No reason this could not have been mentioned for.

The only reason OP and her DH know is because his parents didn’t realise that their son and wife got notifications on their mobile.

The trip is not the big deal but the secrecy. Not sure why it is so hard for some to grasp, but whatever as long as someone gets a free day of childcare, in-laws are allowed to do whatever.

I’d ask her face to face tomorrow mid visit … ‘oh MIL said you don’t feel comfortable around baby while I’m around…. Please tell me if I do something to make you feel this way as upsetting you is the last thing I want!!’……

They should have checked with you first but perhaps sil doesnt like you.

Babysitting and keeping secrets do not go together so I wouldn’t be comfortable with them babysitting anymore to be honest. I would have a conversation with them all that acting like that will mean they only see baby supervised. You don’t keep secrets from children’s parents it’s inappropriate. I would make it clear to them all that it’s made you both really uncomfortable with them and untrusting.

No it’s weird, like u don’t have an issue at all so why would they be secretive, no one would bother, and fair enough she maybe thot she would get more holds, or get to feed baby, or something else simple but not enough to keep it a secret. Weird behaviour indeed; especially when u were talking to her the night before. It just may well be just that tho, weird but totally nothing to read into.

I think that if you are asking your in laws to look after your child you have to accept that there may be things happening that you don't know about.

If you want them to run everything past you in advance, it's basically them having to ask for permission (even jf you say it isn't, it is) which means that you don't trust them and should make other arrangements.

holy crap lol.... it's your SIL, who you like.
I can't believe how dramatic you are being.

I absolutely love my SIL, and my little brother…. We all get on really well.
my mum used to have the children every Friday from early till late… on occasion I’d ask to meet up with them while my DD was at school or if she was an inset day we’d both go over, my mum or I would always ask my SIL if it was ok if we went over and all took the kids to the park.
However years ago when I used to call my mum on my day off and ask where she was, she’d say she was at my sisters, it wasn’t always possible to let my sister know in advance so I’d pop over there and we’d walk to the shops, grab lunch etc and go to the park. Occasionally I’d go round my sisters to see my mum, nephew and niece … but it wasn’t sneaky, just a last minute decision to see mum and as she was at my sisters I’d go there…..
maybe MIL has got this wrong?… maybe SIL called her in the morning and wanted to see them and as they were at yours
just headed there… MIL & FIL didn’t think to ask so felt sheepish after you text asking whose car it was and they had to admit
they allowed a visitor without asking…. Now they’re being defensive as they know they should’ve text you but think ‘it’s only SIL’….
I would just make light of it with SIL…
‘hey Mum said you visited Friday - that’s lovely.. but mum said something weird about you wanting time with baby without us around???…. We trust you with baby… you know that right??

on the other side of it @Loonadoona I used to like time with my niece and nephew alone as we could bond.. when my sis was there all they wanted was for attention.. so I only saw the whiny side of them… kids are VERY different when mum isn’t in the room…
I hated going to my eldest brothers to see his children.. only ever saw them with their parents present and the kids did nothing but hang off their mum… whining!…
I got accused once of not interacting with my nephew when he was a baby… I bit my tongue and didn’t argue back as would never criticise their child/parenting but my god he was a whiny baby/toddler & they were overbearing/paranoid parents… I offered to take him out in his buggy to give them a break and she fussed so bloody much over him and his whining/tantrum that she ended up taking him out instead of me.. I held him as a tiny baby (newborn) but once he entered that stage where he just cried unless on mum I couldn’t Cope..… they lived abroad and it was an effort and expense to visit - it was never a nice visit so I stopped going! I feel they conditioned baby to fear others… all the over talking … it’s like picking up a puppy when a dog comes near… you think you’re comforting it but in reality you’re teaching it that needs protecting from other dogs….
anyway OP maybe ask SIL if she’d like to see baby on your own and reassure her that you trust her and she’s welcome to babysit anytime 😂

I wonder if this could also be your DH’s family not yet realizing that the family dynamics have changed.

Parents of adult children like your MIL and FIL typically have an open door policy towards their children, I.e. stop by anytime/ stay any time, etc.

But now that your DH has his own home and family, the dynamics have changed and they need to accept that.

This is more extreme, but my DH is from a large family and one of his sisters has never accepted that she can’t just invite herself to visit her siblings in the same way she can their parents. She’s been known to book plane tickets assuming that she can stay before informing her sibling! It’s abit of a family joke but it can be annoying tbh.

@T1Dmama I get what you’re saying, it’s the secrecy element that’s the issue here,

Thanks everyone, for your advice. Tomorrow will be awkward but, having had time to think about it, I don't feel I can just let it go without explaing how we feel and why. I'd like to listen to SIL's view of it too, so that the picture in my head is well rounded. I need also to make the point that its our home and our LO, and we get a say in what happens with both of those. I'm not going to stand for lies and secrecy where our LO is concerned and if there are any concerns around how we make people feel when interacting with our child, then lets be open and chat about it. So, I guess we'll see what happens!

The majority of the replies are bonkers. Have PP completely missed the point? They think it was the inlaws’ house?

Of course you don’t secretly invite people round when you’re babysitting someone’s kids in the kids’ home. If there are no children present and you are just house sitting, you still don’t have guests round without clearing it with the home occupiers!

If you’re wondering why they kept it secret, suggest you look in the mirror. You’re obviously such a nightmare to deal with (as your post suggests) that they’d rather sneak about behind your back when you’re not there.

the OP doesn’t seem like a nightmare. You on the other hand seem like a nasty spiteful person.

Totally weird and I agree with you! I’d text SIL and say ‘please let us know when you next come, we’d love to see you and baby would love to spend time with aunty __’

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to know what is going on with your own vulnerable child and your own home.

And update us tomorrow!

@GiveDogBone Even if the OP and her DH are nightmares, arranging secret visits still isn’t OK.

No adults except for a child’s parents have the “right” to spend time with a child. The SIL doesn’t seem to realize that.
Concealing visits from the parents is never OK.

@NoCommentingFromNowOn Yes, I’m getting the impression that some posters believe that they have the right to see other people’s children in whatever circumstances they choose. They absolutely don’t!

This
A total non issue.

I dont know why she'd feel more comfortable without you there you seem so super chill and laidback!

OP doesn't sound like a nightmare to deal with. If her PILs had just said that her SIL was coming round, OP would have been fine with that. The fact that they tried to hide the visit is weird. OP's DH feels the same and it's his sister.

If OP and her DH think it's an issue, then it is as it's their child. It was obviously a planned visit as OP's SIL lives a two hour drive away so she wasn't just popping in. The explanation that her MIL finally gave is that SIL wanted time with her nephew without OP being there. That isn't the sort of thing that you organise behind the parent's back.

Turn it around then. OP and her husband are Childfree. OPs SIL has asked her parents to watch her baby in her own home. PILs say yes. Then they secretly, without telling SIL, arrange for OP and her husband to go over to SILs house while she isn’t there so they get secret, alone time with the baby. Despite SIL talking to the PIL, they fail to mention it to SIL. Despite SIL having arranged for OP to come over anyway within a few days, OP also fails to let SIL know of this secret plan. Then on the day, SIL sees a car on her own driveway and texts PIL to ask who it is. Then she discovers this secret arrangement for the MIL, FIL and OP and her husband to have a secret meeting at her house with her baby. SIL wants to know what the fuck is happening in her own home with her own baby while she isn’t there not there, and why is it a secret?

A few years ago my brother offered to mind my dogs, at my house, while we went to an event. To my astonishment he had invited a work colleague round to see the dogs as she was interested in the breed. But he never told me.

I was so cross. My dogs are anxious around strangers and I would want to be there if random strangers were visiting.

But it was the way he thought he could do this that really annoyed me. Why not ask?

It felt very passive aggressive, which is his usual style tbh.