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Original poster

MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

301 replies

Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 15:36

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

OP posts:
fivefoottwowitheyesofblue · 29/08/2025 19:46

It's very disrespectful. I too would not be happy.

Some posters are missing the point. It's the secrecy that's an issue, not the visit! The OP made it clear there is no issue with the SIL visiting.

@Loonadoona will you mention it to SIL when she visits?!

Alexandra84 · 29/08/2025 19:54

Haven’t had time to read all responses, but the ‘you sound controlling’ ones are unfair.
It’s not about family popppong round etc, I do that with mine, it’s that it was done secretively.
If not yet done, I’d try & change the tone of it…message SIL saying ‘haha, camera caught you. Shame you didn’t text-would have loved to see you-did you not want to time it with a coffee and catch up?’
See what response you get.

Joeylove88 · 29/08/2025 19:56

Your SIL going to see your child without you knowing would come across as strange but I wouldn't be getting all 'its my baby and I should decide who sees them and when' if the relationship between you and SIL is otherwise really good you generally feel comfortable with her.
I have my own child now but I completely remember how awkward it can feel trying to hold or spend time with other people's babies/children it can sometimes feel like they are watching your every move ready to make comments about what your doing and if your doing it wrong and its off putting tbh so it sounds like this is how she felt. She could of just told you she planned on popping over with your MIL while you were at work but she might of been worried about being interrogated?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 29/08/2025 20:00

I don’t really get the issue

tripleginandtonic · 29/08/2025 20:02

I think your pil are in loco parentis and a friend/relative of theirs visiting is no big deal.

BreatheAndFocus · 29/08/2025 21:13

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 29/08/2025 18:32

To me, it sounds like SIL wanted to play mummy without the actual mummy there. I’d find that creepy, along with the unnecessary secrecy.

Or the OP and her DH could possibly be a bit overanxious around their PFB. I had friends once who were super alert around anyone who didn't yet have kids being around their baby in case they broke them. You could feel the anxiety radiating off them and it didn't make for relaxing visits.

But yeah, course because the SIL is a childless woman she's obviously a baby stealing psycho in the making.

I note you didn’t quote the bit where I said SIL was a baby-stealing psycho - because I didn’t say that 🙄

If SIL had fancied popping over during the day when the OP was out and the PILs were there, she could simply have asked or mentioned it. She didn’t, and MIL didn’t either. More than that, MIL tried to pretend that the OP did know about the visit and had just forgotten - which was a blatant lie. SIL had spoken to the OP the day before and never mentioned her planned visit either. It’s that that’s the problem: the secrecy and the deceit.

Original poster
Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 22:46

JLou08 · 29/08/2025 16:16

The huge deal you made out of this with a big confrontation and inquisition makes it pretty clear why SIL wanted to see the baby without you. You sound so controlling, I felt nervous for your MIL just reading that.

It was hardly a confrontation or an inquisition. We just asked why (twice) they didnt mention anything about her coming.

OP posts:
AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 29/08/2025 22:57

BreatheAndFocus · 29/08/2025 21:13

I note you didn’t quote the bit where I said SIL was a baby-stealing psycho - because I didn’t say that 🙄

If SIL had fancied popping over during the day when the OP was out and the PILs were there, she could simply have asked or mentioned it. She didn’t, and MIL didn’t either. More than that, MIL tried to pretend that the OP did know about the visit and had just forgotten - which was a blatant lie. SIL had spoken to the OP the day before and never mentioned her planned visit either. It’s that that’s the problem: the secrecy and the deceit.

Show quote history

No and I don't believe I said that you did. But the judgment that obviously a childless woman is only going to try and play mummy to someone elses child, which has a slightly icky tone to it isn't much better tbh.

SixtySomething · 29/08/2025 23:04

I wonder whether this is more about your SIL's feelings about herself as a mother. It may not be about you and your 'controlling' self.
I believe you said she's in her 30s, so perhaps she has a deep-seated insecurity about her ability to be maternal. She might have spoken to your mother about it but doesn't want to expose her weakness to you, when you are already a mother.
This could be why she didn't want it mentioned.

BruFord · 29/08/2025 23:33

@SixtySomething It could be, but I still don’t really understand why anyone would secretly visit someone else’s child!

Hectorsmother · 29/08/2025 23:46

OP am with you on this one. The comments about you being controlling are excessive. This your home and your child and you have every right/ duty to know who is coming in and out.

Your SIL is a woman in her 30s, but wants her mummy and daddy around to visit your child but where is the regard for the child's mummy and daddy to be present or even be clued up about the visit?

We are all adults and face vulnerabilities in life. Your SIL could seek to cultivate an independent relationship with you and your DH and through you a relationship with your child and once the child is older a father independent relationship with the child.

In it's core this is a consent issue leading to a breach of your trust and your peace. And am afraid your PIL have not thought it through and there seems to be an element where they thought they could get away with it. All of this makes for uncomfortable reading. I echo a previous poster and would make alternate child care arrangements and ask for key to be returned.

Lovehascomeandgone · 30/08/2025 17:49

I disagree with some of the comments on here about you being controlling, I think it’s fucking weird. Why wouldn’t SIL want to visit all of you given you all get on well?!? And MIL and FIL being complicit in a secret visit is weird too. Very fucking weird. I wouldn’t be happy either and I am very laid back.

PiggingBastardPigs · 30/08/2025 18:00

Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 22:46

It was hardly a confrontation or an inquisition. We just asked why (twice) they didnt mention anything about her coming.

Show quote history

Good luck tomorrow OP, hope you can get to the bottom of it.

Gabby8 · 30/08/2025 18:08

You don’t sound controlling- it’s weird to let someone into someone else home without asking or even mentioning it, even more weird for them to spend time with their young child.

What would bother me is the sneakiness L- what else gets downplayed and lied about. But saying that, I think when you accept free childcare it can be tricky as boundaries get blurred.

GreenFritillary · 30/08/2025 18:08

Maybe she is insecure, and it would help if you told her you were upset by the secrecy around her visit, and ask her what was the point, because you think "She's brilliant with the baby and I really like her. She's my favorite in law! I trust her completely."
It may be the Mil playing games.

MumTeacherofMany · 30/08/2025 18:32

I'm not seeing the issue OP. You get on well with her and she's come to visit her Mum whose doing you a massive favour having your child....

Lollipop81 · 30/08/2025 18:55

I don’t understand the problem. Think you are overreacting.

Memyaelf · 30/08/2025 19:01

Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 15:36

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

Ohhh here comes SIL and MiL slating. There is a message in there that they don’t feel your attitude is particularly friendly or welcoming. Perhaps look at it from a completely different perspective.

Claudiebus · 30/08/2025 19:18

Maybe she needed to talk to her mum and dad about something , and they’ve promised not to say anything and visiting the baby is an excuse. I’d leave it. You like her and she’s your husband’s sister.

PiggingBastardPigs · 30/08/2025 19:25

I think it’s great that you’ve updated your thread regularly OP so that piss artists don’t just read your first post and make assumptions.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 30/08/2025 19:26

@Loonadoona NO she is not a control freak!! if someone does not want to see me and my husband then they have no right to see my baby either!! mil and fil were being very sneaky by enabling their daughter to see your baby without you being there and just didnt think they would be found out!! Team Loona all the way!

Justaspy · 30/08/2025 19:28

They obviously had a cult meeting and cast spells on your child while you weren't there!!!

Original poster
Loonadoona · 30/08/2025 19:37

PiggingBastardPigs · 30/08/2025 18:00

Good luck tomorrow OP, hope you can get to the bottom of it.

Show quote history

Thank you! Im a bit nervous about it tbh. Not that ive done anything wrong, but I feel like i need to find a way to explain how it feels from our point of view while not coming across as controlling or being to precious. I need to have a chat with my partner to agree how were going to play it.

OP posts:
Themoonturnsblue · 30/08/2025 19:37

It's rude and odd that they didn't say anything, it would've taken no effort to just mention that she wanted to pop round.

Thewhywhybird · 30/08/2025 19:47

I really can't see what the problem is here, unless you have not disclosed some major problem with her like she's a drug addict or something. I would just drop it personally.