MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

[Loonadoona]

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

That is beyond weird - why HIDING it?

I would find a replacement for the childcare and no longer use MIL frankly. If I can't trust them to tell me who is coming in my house to be with my child, I could n't trust them with anything.

do you have a reason not to want your dh's sister to visit secretly?

is what you meant.

You and your DP were at work so even if your PIL or SIL had said that she’d be dropping by, you wouldn’t have been there so she’d have had time with your baby without you anyway. So the secrecy is odd.

We are so relaxed with people though

Yet a car on your driveway gets a phonecall home? Is there a chance you aren't quite as relaxed as you think you are?

I mean your SIL has all but told you she isn't comfortable to be around your child when you are there, and there has to be a reason for this.

I totally get what you are saying… I think it’s weird.

SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there.

But even if they had told you SIL was coming, SIL would have had time with baby without the parents there, so it is a bit odd.

I don't think you're controlling, I can see why it's left you bewildered.

A strange car on my drive would get a phonecall home too. I would not like the secrecy either.

and this " If I can't trust them to tell me who is coming in my house to be with my child, I couldn't trust them with anything."

It wouldn’t bother me. I’ve gone to my sisters house when my mum has been looking after the grandchildren and haven’t always told my sister beforehand as it’s been a last minute decision or I’ve just gone round - my sister wouldn’t care and vise versa. The issue is why does your sister in law feel you’d think she was doing something wrong re your baby - you’ve obviously given her that impression.

We had a notification come up on the doorbell, with an image of a random car parked on our driveway. PIL were there so we asked if they knew who it was. It feels like a reasonable thing to query?

I get notification on my phone for anyone at the door or a car on my driveway, most people do nowadays.

I'd be curious too, it doesn't mean anyone is stressed about it.

In the case of the OP, it's beyond weird to wait until she's out of the house to have visitors.

Nah I get it op. Really fucking weird behaviour. The deceitfulness would bother me. Like they know best and it’s up to them who spends time with your baby. They’ve massively overstepped a boundary here. I’d send them a group message saying how hurt and disappointed you are with them all.

I think you’re under reacting.

Your SIL wanted time with your baby while you weren’t there so her and your MIL and FIL all conspired together so she could be with your baby without you knowing.

The only reason you did know was because of the video.

I wouldn’t let any of them be alone with my baby and you need to find alternative childcare because these people can’t be be trusted.

You realise she staged a creepy photo shoot with your baby and pretended it was hers??

But surely you would see someone get out the car, see who it is and realise it’s not a stranger

Yanbu, that's sneaky and creepy, you have a right to know whose visiting your house and when. Why can't she tell you?

Get it stopped. What else are they doing?

I think it seems that your SIL felt she couldn't ask you about coming over to see your DC, otherwise why be secretive about it? It does make no sense. I would wonder about your relationship and if she perhaps feels you are controlling and would not agree to her visit with you not being there.

It does all sound a bit odd tbh so there must be a reason why they kept it a secret.

This.

Actually I think it is the SIL/PIL who sound controlling. They deliberately didn't mention the visit. Why the secrecy?

I'm not sure how it all spiralled.

Strange car on drive / phone call home and SIL was visiting then became a covert visit, orchestrated without the OP's knowledge and permission, invading privacy etc.

I guess my question is why SIL turning up was viewed with such suspicion in the first place it was analysed in such detail in-laws had to confess it was preplanned and tell the OP its because SIL doesn't feel comfortable around them.

Would it have been okay if SIL has just popped by on a whim @Loonadoona ?

Yeah, thats the key thing im wondering from this. I genuinely don't feel like I've been overbearing, and I think im honest enough with myself to see it and admit it if it was the case, but its more how she feels than how I think I act, I guess.

Strange car on your drive - do you not know the type of car your SIL drives?

This.

I'd wonder what else they were going to do in future and keep hidden.

However we've had issues in our family of things being hidden and it was so we couldn't say no prior and it was about them being in charge and being right and not always best for our kids - led to injuries/more minor issues - so I'm obvioulsy going to be more paranoid than most.

Sorry I don't see the issue. If your child was at nursery there could be strangers visiting. To look around the nursery or Ofsted inspectors, temporary carers etc.and you wouldn't be informed every time someone different visited. You know and like your sister in law.
Your mother in law is caring for your child presumably without charging, if you trust her to care for your child you should trust her to have guests she trusts.

Absolutely none whatsoever. She's brilliant with the baby and I really like her. She's my favorite in law!

the secrecy is weird but I’d be upset that my SIL didn’t feel comfortable with visiting whilst we were there.

It's controlling and I would be very upset about it.
This is your home.
It's as much to me that MIL has invited SIL to your house and was planning to hide it from you.

My question would be: how many times has she already been?