MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

[Loonadoona]

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

It's not a baby, it's a toddler.

And it's not professional paid childcare. It's loving grandparents helping out for free.

Yes, OP needs to stop dictating every inch of their child's life and start trusting their family members to care for their child and make the right decisions. Including what adults spend time with the child while it's in their care.

Obviously, paedos and allergies are exceptions.

Talk to your SIL. My mum is a weird MIL and tends to exaggerate, make things up, and project. "SIL is worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when you aren't there" is EXACTLY the kind of bullshit my mum would say happened, when it didn't.

I'd put money on reality being:
SIL: "hey mum, I've bought a new car and I fancy a test drive, I know I'm coming over tomorrow but shall I drop by a day earlier to show it off?"
MIL: "sure darling but we're at your brother's place babysitting."
SIL: "Okay I'll drop by there instead, see you soon."

I get you... No issues but it's weird.... Maybe you are a little controlling but it's your home and your baby!!
I'm with you on this one....

It’s interesting how a lot of people commenting assume you are controlling and feeling sorry for your SIL. I had a similar situation when my MIL invited a cousin from out of town to meet our child at our house while she was babysitting. Same in that no one mentioned it before or after until I said to cousin weeks later on a separate visit that I’m glad she got to meet our child and she told me she already had! The reason for my MIL’s secrecy was that SHE and my SIL was controlling and respected no boundary (feeding my baby biscuits at 6 months when we said no sugar, taking my child out of my arms to hand round dozens of relatives, insisting she knew when my baby was tired and not etc etc etc). Similar to these responses, others assumed I was the controlling one but my MIL and SIL were trying to dominate everything. It’s weird that no one mentioned yoir SIL’s visit to your house to see your child. Sneaky behaviour. YANBU.

I don’t blame you OP.
My parents babysat for me and DH once and we got back quite early, to find my brother there, being served the food I’d got in for my parents and fussed over. DB is welcome to anything he likes and I love seeing him but it was kind of weird that they’d waited til we were gone and then got him round and fed him and were then defensive when I was slightly surprised.
Why not just say? I was a bit annoyed actually, and couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I suppose it’s that my parents were making choices in my home, about my kids and with my stuff. And they aren’t in charge of me anymore!

That’s crazy. Why would you trust your family who you know are lying to you about something as important as what they’re doing with your baby?

This is absolutely nuts.

I wouldn’t like secrets around my child.

Creepy uncle Bob is also the most statistically likely to put your child in danger. So all this nonsense about how parents shouldn’t control who sees their baby or even be made aware of it is the slow grinding down of boundaries until a child is in danger.

Could be a simple as they arranged it, then realised they should have asked you first. Then thought well what if she says no, so just decided to not tell you as it was easier. The old 'easier to ask for forgivness then permission' thing.

@FattyMcFattyArse funnily enough yes as she is the parent! Nothing unusual about that!

Really odd! I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. I wouldn’t be happy with anyone (my parents included) inviting anyone into my home without my knowledge either. Especially odd as you wouldn’t have had a problem with it if they had been open and honest about it.
My immediate thought is wondering if SIL is pregnant or thinking about having children but isn’t yet at a point of wanting to share about it. The worrying about doing something wrong just makes me wonder if SIL is worrying about her ability to cope with children and has voiced this to MIL. MIL has then suggested coming when they have your DC thinking that you wouldn’t have any issues with SIL spending time with your DC perhaps without really thinking it through. Then when you have questioned it she’s become slightly defensive because she can’t break SIL’s confidence but knows she should have told you.

Just an idea anyway!

I don't think there's much of an issue that SIL popped over while your in-laws were there but what i do find weird is the reason they gave as to why SIL wanted to come when you were out. It sounds very lame and I would be wondering whether there's a deeper reason why she wanted to visit when you werent there

I’m with you on this.

The way it was done and your MIL’s reaction was terrible.

Ignore anyone on here who says you’re controlling, you don’t come across like that at all, but one things for sure your MIL IS and she’s also childishly sneaky.

I wouldn’t call a four hour round trip popping over. I can’t imagine organising a secret visit like this. MIL and SIL were clearly both in on the pre-planned secret visit else SIL would have mentioned it when speaking to the OP. I think it’s bloody weird and I wouldn’t be happy.

When you have your day out with SIL you could say to her nonchalantly ‘eee why didn’t your mam tell me you were popping over the other day, if I’d known I would have tidied up beforehand’ or ‘got some of your favourite biscuits in’ or whatever you know she likes or would relate to. See what she says 🤷‍♀️
So she knows you had no problem with her coming over and that you’re relaxed about it. It’s them that should feel stupid it’s not like yous don’t speak, weird.

But she's with the baby's grandparents who are trusted, so what's the big deal? They can presumably also be trusted to supervise properly.

I suspect the reality is that your SIL didn't want to offend you by saying she would feel uncomfortable looking in while you were there, so wanted her visit kept quiet. Your PILs probably thought that was daft but went along with it for the sake of encouraging her to develop a relationship with your child. Not a big deal, really.

It was up to me the grandparents would never be allowed to be alone in my home again.

A four hour round trip isn't popping over!

Not their call.

My mother had a saying that applies here...the moment you conceal something, you invite suspicion.

I see your point of view. It's the sneakiness and the fact you had spoken to both SIL and MIL in the prior 24hr period and they purposefully witheld the fact she would be visiting. It's odd. And it would irk me. It's not the visit, it's the covert operation!?

I have a MIL that has really poor communication. Really poor. It's somewhat of a dysfunctional family (big issues with communication and emotions) and I think this is the sort of thing she'd do. Because it's easier to just sneak things in than ask or tell information. It's odd behaviour.

It's probably that mother and daughter (MIL and SIL wanted to be central adults to your son without having mum/dad in their breathing space ) it's still odd but I reckon that's what it is.

I think if you're say the sister of the mum, it's so easy to be relaxed and say "aww give us a squeeze of him !" Whereas when it comes from a SIL , I don't think it's quite as easy to relax and ask. It's silly really . But I reckon it's just wanting to be away from 'prying eyes'.

I'm trying to justify it best I can , not fully sure I can successfully!

Is it possible that something is going on in her life that she wanted to speak to her parents and no one else? There are things that I discuss with my parents that I don't talk to my siblings about until after. Maybe having the baby there cheered her up?

Possibly there was a time when this would of bugged me but now my children are teens and we have hit the really hard part of parenting I don't think I could get wound up about something like this.

The big deal is the secrecy and subterfuge. As soon as a trusted person starts going behind someone's back and keeping secret, the trust is then gone.

There was absolutely no reason not to mention to OP and her DH that her SIL would be visiting them. OP and her DH would have been fine with it. The way that OP's PILs and SIL have gone about it has damaged the trust that OP had in them and that's their fault.

I am a loving grandmother that provided childcare twice a week for my grandaughter in her parents' home. I would never have gone behind their backs if my daughter visited to see her niece. They were fine with it, but it's still their home so I had the courtesy and manners to check with them first. I certainly wouldn't have tried to keep it a secret.