Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

301 replies

Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 15:36

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

OP posts:
PiggingBastardPigs · 30/08/2025 19:47

Loonadoona · 30/08/2025 19:37

Thank you! Im a bit nervous about it tbh. Not that ive done anything wrong, but I feel like i need to find a way to explain how it feels from our point of view while not coming across as controlling or being to precious. I need to have a chat with my partner to agree how were going to play it.

Show quote history

I can understand that, I’d feel the same. Can you have it where it’s just you and your sister in law and let it slip in to an already ongoing conversation? I’m sure it will feel more natural then. If it is something to do with her feeling anxious about something, I’m sure that you liking her as you do you will be able to empathise.

cupfinalchaos · 30/08/2025 20:01

It would piss me off but only momentarily. After thinking about it, I’d probably decide it was a good thing my sil cared enough about my baby to want to spend time. But yes it would annoy me as bloody cheeky.

Blablibladirladada · 30/08/2025 20:03

Hi op,
totally get it that the “secret” is getting to you. There is a MASSIVE difference between being in each other’s house and literally making sure to come into your house…when you are not there…to do what you like.

ScartlettSole · 30/08/2025 20:10

Barrenfieldoffucks · 29/08/2025 16:22

My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was

Odd

I found this weird too. Im a total nosey cow and id have asked when i got home. Not texting straight away demanding to know whos there.
I genuinely couldnt be arsed babysitting for someone like this.

BruFord · 30/08/2025 20:15

Whatever caused this situation, my personal rule of thumb is never to have contact with someone else’s child without their parents knowing. If I stopped by to see my parents, for example, and also saw my nephew, I certainly wouldn’t try to hide the fact.

It’s just not advisable to be secretive and will only lead to concern/a lack of trust as it has in this case.

Bellabananaa · 30/08/2025 20:17

Just knew you’d get nasty comments 🤦🏼‍♀️ If a MIL is mentioned the MIL brigade arrive to defend her regardless of what she’s done 😂

Had this been in their house there would be no real reason to mention it other than to say when you came back but as a grandparent watching my grandchild in their own house I wouldn’t be arranging anyone else to come round that you didn’t know about. If she lived round the corner, again, less strange but the long drive without mentioning it is very odd.

Bellabananaa · 30/08/2025 20:18

BruFord · 30/08/2025 20:15

Whatever caused this situation, my personal rule of thumb is never to have contact with someone else’s child without their parents knowing. If I stopped by to see my parents, for example, and also saw my nephew, I certainly wouldn’t try to hide the fact.

It’s just not advisable to be secretive and will only lead to concern/a lack of trust as it has in this case.

🙌

Calloja23 · 30/08/2025 20:45

V

Calloja23 · 30/08/2025 20:51

I agree with you op. Your home, your baby. What they did was really odd and I would tell them
you prefer to be consulted on any future arrangements. I don’t think you are controlling at all.I think they had a blooming cheek, you are his parents after all and it’s your home.

knor · 30/08/2025 20:54

the commenters on this are weird? It is definitely a bit odd your in laws did this! They obviously knew she was coming and purposefully didn’t say!
SIL could’ve messaged you as well!
I would say though, there’s nothing you can really do about it. You could speak really seriously to your MIL but you don’t want to risk a rift or them not coming to look after your son.
Sorry OP, this is deffo weird. Keep the ring doorbell on and if brought up by your in laws, maybe reiterate that it’s fine but you’d prefer to know next time

Speckly · 30/08/2025 20:58

Loonadoona · 30/08/2025 19:37

Thank you! Im a bit nervous about it tbh. Not that ive done anything wrong, but I feel like i need to find a way to explain how it feels from our point of view while not coming across as controlling or being to precious. I need to have a chat with my partner to agree how were going to play it.

Show quote history

Please keep us updated. Hope it goes well and you can laugh about it in time!

saraclara · 30/08/2025 21:03

I'm a grandma who does some childcare. I'm pretty certain that my other daughter has dropped in when I've been looking after the grandchildren. I wouldn't have checked with her sister beforehand, and I might or might not have mentioned it, depending on how quick the handover was at the end of the day.

If my daughter (who gets on well with her sister) was to accuse me of being secretive, I'd wonder what on earth would make her think that.

Lovehascomeandgone · 30/08/2025 21:05

Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 22:46

It was hardly a confrontation or an inquisition. We just asked why (twice) they didnt mention anything about her coming.

Show quote history

@Loonadoona don't pay any attention, nothing controlling about it. It’s weird behaviour, simple as that!

saraclara · 30/08/2025 21:09

saraclara · 30/08/2025 21:03

I'm a grandma who does some childcare. I'm pretty certain that my other daughter has dropped in when I've been looking after the grandchildren. I wouldn't have checked with her sister beforehand, and I might or might not have mentioned it, depending on how quick the handover was at the end of the day.

If my daughter (who gets on well with her sister) was to accuse me of being secretive, I'd wonder what on earth would make her think that.

Edited

Ah. I seem to have skimmed the OP first time. I missed that SIL lives two hours away. That makes it more odd.

MellersSmellers · 30/08/2025 21:24

I would absolutely feel the same way OP.
I don't understand why they wouldn't mention it. Sounds disrespectful.

JayJayj · 30/08/2025 21:44

It’s not controlling at all.

They did it behind you and your husband’s back. Tried to cover it up/lie. They are turning a non issue into an issue.

BruFord · 30/08/2025 21:50

@saraclara Plus the MIL said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there.

IMO, none of us really have the right to spend time with someone else’s child without their parents knowing. It doesn’t matter who we are, aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc.,

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 30/08/2025 22:21

lnks · 29/08/2025 15:46

You sound massively controlling

I can see why the SIL felt the need to do this while op wasn't there.

FattyMcFattyArse · 30/08/2025 22:24

This is giving huge PFB vibes.
I thought you were talking about a newborn. A 16 month old child is a toddler. And they deserve to have a relationship with their aunt.
What else do you dictate to your inlaws besides who can visit? What food your child eats? What outings they are allowed to go on?

cranberryshortcake · 30/08/2025 22:32

I would be livid.

You’re not control freak, you’re the babies parent! You get to decide who the baby sees and when.

For someone who has care of your baby to hide what the baby is doing is a massive red flag, regardless of what that activity is. You get to decide 100% what is and isn’t ok for your baby and if someone intentionally lies to you about what they will be doing with your baby when they have care of them, they should not have care of your baby.

I’m assuming like most people you need the grandparent care and can’t afford to just tell them to stop coming, but you should have a massive go at them and make a thing of this as it is outrageous.

People saying this is being controlling are just gaslighting in my opinion.

cranberryshortcake · 30/08/2025 22:34

FattyMcFattyArse · 30/08/2025 22:24

This is giving huge PFB vibes.
I thought you were talking about a newborn. A 16 month old child is a toddler. And they deserve to have a relationship with their aunt.
What else do you dictate to your inlaws besides who can visit? What food your child eats? What outings they are allowed to go on?

Are you suggesting the baby’s parents shouldn’t be dictating what food the baby eats??

This thread is insane. So many people think it’s just fine to have people lie to you about what your baby is doing and make parenting decisions contrary to your wishes. This is nuts.

An au pair or nanny who did this would be fired.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 30/08/2025 22:54

Personally I don't think there's any way you could raise this at her without making her feel like you don't trust her, you suspect her of doing something, or of feeling a certain way and you feel that you have a right to know what.

You say you trust her and she's great with your DC, you run the risk of jeopardising that relationship by having her potentially explain herself to you. Whatever personal private feelings she's going through that you and your DH think she needs to lay bare, just so you can be satisfied.

Just a "ah it's a shame you couldn't have stuck around the other day it would have been great to see you" will suffice. Perhaps a "is everything ok with MIL?" Make it about concern for MIL instead of focusing on why she was there.

That's her chance to tell you anything she wants to, if you push it's going to be awkward as hell.

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 30/08/2025 23:07

Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 16:41

Absolutely none whatsoever. She's brilliant with the baby and I really like her. She's my favorite in law!

Show quote history

Maybe a way forward is to say that to your sil so that she feels confident…it’d avoid future awkwardness?

BruFord · 31/08/2025 00:01

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 30/08/2025 22:54

Personally I don't think there's any way you could raise this at her without making her feel like you don't trust her, you suspect her of doing something, or of feeling a certain way and you feel that you have a right to know what.

You say you trust her and she's great with your DC, you run the risk of jeopardising that relationship by having her potentially explain herself to you. Whatever personal private feelings she's going through that you and your DH think she needs to lay bare, just so you can be satisfied.

Just a "ah it's a shame you couldn't have stuck around the other day it would have been great to see you" will suffice. Perhaps a "is everything ok with MIL?" Make it about concern for MIL instead of focusing on why she was there.

That's her chance to tell you anything she wants to, if you push it's going to be awkward as hell.

@MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking But what the SIL and the MIL/FIL did wasn’t OK. This wasn’t stopping by, she drove two hours for a pre-arranged visit that was deliberately kept secret from the child’s parents. Personally, I don’t think it’s OK for any adult to do this.

Having said that, I agree with @Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals’s suggestion that the OP/her DH tells her SIL that she’s brilliant with the baby and welcome to visit anytime.

But no more secret visits by anyone as it’s a bad precedent. Next time, it might be creepy uncle Bob whom the OP can’t stand, for example.

PollyBell · 31/08/2025 00:07

My baby, not our baby?