To buy a house that suits me and not my children

[JaneEyrie]

My husband died 3 years ago leaving me and 3 young adult children.
It’s now become apparent that we will need to move as I can’t afford to stay in this house or even downsize in this area.
I live in London and my 2 older DD live and work here, but have not yet found careers so may end up moving for work. My youngest starts uni this autumn. So they're still dependant on me..
I could find a cheaper area in London where i could house us, but my 2 DD might end up leaving me soon and I’ll end up with a bigger house than I need in a not great area. I’m worried about buying something that stretches me too far financially.

I’d love to find my forever home and have some much needed stability.

I’m getting tired of the noise and dirt of London and long for a nicer forever home somewhere suburban but If I move out of London, the 2 that work in London probably won’t be able to live with me.
Ideally I’d like a small 2 bed place but can’t bear depriving the children of a family home after they’ve recently lost their father.
I’ve been looking at houses but an just depressed at my options and can’t sleep for worrying about making the right decision.
I feel stuck and am just not sure what to do. Do you have any advice for me?

I don’t think you should buy something very small unless you have to. I assume you are far from being 100 and waiting to die… Even if your children move out, one or more may want to come back in the future or just visit regularly. If they are not going to be living with you, a three bedroom house may be a good compromise.

For 900k you would easily find a home in z4

Did you mean £800/900k? Is that what your equity is or what you can get a mortgage for? I presume you've got a good well-paid job yourself?

Somewhere like Bromley is a really good option all round.

@BadSkiingMum I think they were actually trying to give me and DBro a big kick up the bum, to develop a sense of ambition and urgency and not just assume we could always move back home if we wanted to! They are perfectly financially comfortable but they were sending a clear message - you need to plan your lives in a way that doesn't assume moving home is an option.

They had talked to us about it but it definitely hadn't sunk in, at least to me, until they actually moved to the studio. Even after getting a few jobs and changing my career goals I was still so pampered/in denial that I had to spend one horribly uncomfortable night on the sofa-bed in their new place before it REALLY hit home.

It worked very well - we all stayed in London but I knew I was going to have to earn enough to live the kind of life I wanted to lead, under my own steam. A few years of living in grotty shared flats while working my arse off on professional qualifications and I was off - it's all worked out for the best.

I have another family member on the other side who told her kids, follow your heart and you'll be rich, don't sell out, you'll always have a home here, you'll inherit this house one day and be loaded - one child has completely failed to launch and still lives at home in his 30s, and the other lives with her husband but really struggles financially having chosen a rewarding but precarious creative career. She regularly makes bitter posts online about how she is struggling, how society should support artists and creatives and they should make more money than hedge fund managers.

I'm not sure what the right balance is and whether my parents' approach was a good one, but it worked for me and DBro.

I’ve lived in London my whole life and have never had to think about walking distance to the shops or whether it’s commutable.

You really need to try living somewhere without amenities on your doorstep, having to drive, public transport etc as it's very important as you age.

You could also spend less than 800k and give your dc some deposit money

As a daughter of somebody who’s dad died when I was 26 (I know not very young but not far off your children’s ages) I would say go with what is right for you. Before long your children may well meet partners and move in with them. I wanted my mum just to be happy and you sound so lovely that I’m sure they’d want the same.
Even if you could stretch to a 3 bed that would be ideal but do what is right for you and you will find a balance between you. They won’t be able to afford to buy in London anyway so you may as well make the move and they may well follow you.
A family friends husband died and then her kids packed up and off to Australia, you just don’t know what the future holds but I’m sure it’s more than a spare bedroom at their mums house.
Life has changed for you and you didn’t plan this so you are doing what you can with what you can. Don’t feel bad. You sound lovely, caring and thoughtful x

Would you consider the suburbs? I’m thinking about places like Potters Bar.
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/162705506#/?channel=RES_BUY
This would be right at the top of your budget but would fit everyone. It’s a couple of
minutes walk from a train station and the trains get into Kings Cross in ten minutes. There are shops on your doorstep. This is part of stuff to consider - I live very rurally so can’t even get a pint of milk without driving several miles so while it suits us now, we are aware that long term we may not be able to stay as we are very isolated.

What’s your job, OP? And what things are important to you? Have you always lived and worked in London? Do you have friends & family elsewhere?

Where is DD3 off to Uni? Is she doing a vocational course? Or does she know what she wants to do and where she’d like to live?
What about your older two? Why are they in MW jobs and waiting for their careers to launch? What careers are they? And are they being realistic about their chances in those careers or are they taking advantage of being able to live rent free in London and doing MW jobs?
Sorry - some of that sounds really harsh. You & your family have had a really tough few years and this is a major decision for you all

Four bedrooms between South Wimbledon and Colliers Wood within your budget.

St Albans, Watford, Hemel Hempstead, Tring, Berkhamstead - all are great towns to live in with a trainline straight to London.

This is really helpful. I would add another step. Tell your children as they sound lovely, add any inputs they have, then after identifying possible homes involve them in the final decision. It is much more likely to feel like home for them if they have been part of the decision making. Hopefully they will visit a lot.

It is a lot of.money outside of London. Can you free up some lump sums for your kids?

Best wishes OP.

This is going to sound slightly harsh but it sounds like you’re potentially stopping your older DDs from actually getting their careers in that they can do minimum wage because they’re not paying the bills.

And, while this isn’t the same for you at all, it’s been 3 years. I really don’t think they can hang onto that as a reason not to be sorting themselves out.

You need to have a very honest conversation about this. They’re adults, in the workplace. Time to support themselves.

What about moving to Bedford?
The EMR will take you to King's Cross in 45 minutes if your elder ones want to travel into London for work.
You could buy a house for about half of your budget so you could have a comfortable cushion for you and your kids too.

So if your children are in their twenties and not paying for any cost of housing etc they have savings from this. Even on minimum wage they would be able to put aside money and should have a bit of a stash by now.

If not, why not?

4 bed, SW London https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/163001399#/?channel=RES_BUY

You seem like a really sweet lovely mum. Sorry for your loss, your children are probably stronger than you think so I agree it's time to have a chat with them about it all.
I lived in Caterham, Surrey my whole life and commuted to London - now I live in Bedford and still commute (we are in a quiet village called Biddenham) but the train to London is 40 mins. Property in Bedford is much cheaper than London or Surrey, but the commute is very expensive (around £50 a day!). I would definitely recommend moving further out if your kids are open to it.
Good luck!

Why a suburb of London? Get as far away as you can, life is so much more chilled if you can escape the M25/South East...

If you and your DC have only ever known London it may be best not to go too far. The North may be cheaper but it's a long way from what you know and for your DC to visit if they stay on in The Big Smoke.

I always think it's useful to charge some rent even if it's nominal because that's a principle of adult life and you could always put some aside into a savings account for them to have a refund later when they need it. Or can you get a Mon-Fri lodger in?

You've had a rough time but 3 years is a fair while and your two oldest must understand things may have to change. Research the areas that appeal. If your two DD move out to a flatshare then you only need a house with 2 good sized bedrooms plus a bed sofa or dining room that can be used as a third bedroom - this would allow for some or all of your DC to visit.

The best advice here is to stop looking for houses until you have decided on the area.

THe majority of your future years - being honest are going to be you as an adult alone. Even if your girls need you for a few more years you have to be absolutely certain you can build a new life in the place you move to.

As others have said - do you need a pub? community centre? shops? do you want to be able to pop out and get a coffee at any time day or night?

I live in a small city within 2 hours of London and even though the place i live is very ncie, my only walkable shop is a newsagent. I miss London life in that regard - but I am also near the sea and countryside.

You need to think of what sort of lifestyle you will have - for example, if you have 3 adult kids, do you want to make sure you live near a mainline railway station into London - and do youw ant to have room to always have them all to stay?

I wonder if you could rent somewhere just outside London to try life somewhere different.

We’re in Bromley - West Wickham. You could get something really nice around here and it’s a great place to live. I’ve just got a puppy and have met so many new people. I have only been here since January though lived in the borough for 20+ years. I love it and can’t imagine living anywhere else now

I'd say as long as it is suitable for them then that's fine. If you want to buy a flat with no garden when they are used to a garden then that seems unfair.

I did similar- I bought a town house and styled it my way. We have a small but lovely garden which they are always in and they each have their own bedroom.

Your daughters are adults and don't seem to be getting the benefits of London in terms of increased earning power.

Can you all talk properly about what you want for the future?

If you are going to move, is it worth going beyond the London bubble?

That's a very generous budget elsewhere. The kind of budget that could allow you to live comfortably and help them more.

Maybe this would be a better option for all of you as they are not likely to be in a position to buy in London any time soon.

Talk and look at the options together. It could be a very positive step but I think if you are giving up the support network it would be good to gain more in the trade off for it and have it feel less like a step down.

This is the view from my bedroom window. It takes me just over 5 mins to get to the station and then 35
mins into central London. But we’ve got a great high street locally too so I only go into London these days for meetings or theatre trips. Hubby commutes daily though.