To buy a house that suits me and not my children

[JaneEyrie]

My husband died 3 years ago leaving me and 3 young adult children.
It’s now become apparent that we will need to move as I can’t afford to stay in this house or even downsize in this area.
I live in London and my 2 older DD live and work here, but have not yet found careers so may end up moving for work. My youngest starts uni this autumn. So they're still dependant on me..
I could find a cheaper area in London where i could house us, but my 2 DD might end up leaving me soon and I’ll end up with a bigger house than I need in a not great area. I’m worried about buying something that stretches me too far financially.

I’d love to find my forever home and have some much needed stability.

I’m getting tired of the noise and dirt of London and long for a nicer forever home somewhere suburban but If I move out of London, the 2 that work in London probably won’t be able to live with me.
Ideally I’d like a small 2 bed place but can’t bear depriving the children of a family home after they’ve recently lost their father.
I’ve been looking at houses but an just depressed at my options and can’t sleep for worrying about making the right decision.
I feel stuck and am just not sure what to do. Do you have any advice for me?

This is so helpful!
I’ve lived in London my whole life and have never had to think about walking distance to the shops or whether it’s commutable.
You've really broken down the steps that I need to think about.
i can’t thank you enough

So sorry for your loss, OP. Sounds like you've all had a very tough few years.

I tend to live by the advise that when you aren't sure what to do, do nothing. Though I understand the worry. Do you work? If not, I would (in the short term at least) try to find a way to afford to stay in the house with your daughters. Just until things become a bit clearer.

Otherwise, could you rent the house in London to your daughters and maybe a couple of lodgers? Ideally people your daughters know and trust? Then either rent or transfer some equity from the house to a new home (I have done this many years ago, not really sure if it's still possible but it worked well for us. It obviously means, however that you're responsible for the maintenance of 2 homes). You could then ultimately leave your children the London house to do with as they please.

Another idea is to perhaps spend 1 night a week at an Air B&B in areas you're considering for the permanent move to see how you like them.

I think, in your shoes, I would obtain some professional advise from a financial expert.

Anyway, I hope things work out for you all.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

How urgent is the need to move? I am in a similar situation, but through divorce rather than being widowed. I had a couple of years of being paralysed by indecision, stress and panic. Eventually I sat down and worked out a budget that means I can turn moving into a 3-4 year goal, which has taken the pressure off, and gives me time to explore different areas, maybe make some tentative contacts in those areas by volunteering or joining something. In the meantime my dcs have time to work out what they want to do, where to live, etc. My older dc is also giving me more towards expenses now, but I have said I'll give her £5000 of that back when the house is sold.

Obviously this only works if there is wriggle room with your finances. But also your dcs are old enough to be told all that you've said here and understand why you want/need to downsize.

We're moving on probably - DH work again - when youngest finishes Uni about 5 years out now - unsure if older two will be completely independent by then or not - but what we need will have to come first - likely it will be a three bed at most but nearer to work places than now.

We may end up there long term or there may be a post retirement move - unsure. We'd like guest rooms for our parents and if kids need to move back - but as we've no idea where that is now so no idea how possible that is.

Do know we like a garden area - drying clothes and have a BBQ - and a kitchen dinner - two toilets and little work as possible - bought one needing some and it turned into a money pit.

You can find a small 3 bed home for around 500 k or a bit more, easily in Surrey. They have to share when visiting but it's safe, green and nice

By small I mean 70 to 100 square m depending on type of house all around that price or slightly above

Thanks for the tip about Woolwich. Maybe Bromley would be better

Have your children inherited part of the family house?

Move up north, kids can start new jobs and careers there, with £800,000 you could buy 4 nice 3 bed houses with gardens in my area!

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

If you start a thread in Property/DIY, folks might be able to help you more with the specifics of what to buy and where you might like. If you want to stay London-ish, you could probably get a small 3 bed house either east in Walthamstow/Forest Gate, or south in Blackheath/Bromley, both of which have lots of green space and parks around. Definitely recommend making lists of what you'd like to have in your home and your day-to-day life.

Someone has probably said this already but start from where you are and work outwards until you find an area with a possible London commute and that you can afford. Then have a fine time spending a day in each place, get the feel of the area, amenities, just how it feels. Would a three bed work, could children share? That may give you more cash left over. Definitely filter by with a garden. Gardens are very healing. Bloody hard work but moments of pure bliss. You could even join the local gardening club if there is one and get to know people. It depends on what your children do or want to do work wise but a move may be helpful to them to. I know lots of graduates who are working for firms in Oxford or Cambridge for instance if you are thinking of moving right out if London

Woolwich, Abbey Wood, Bromley,

these areas are easy commutes into London and you would get a reasonable house for that money.

edited to say that Bromley has lots of really nice areas and very good transport links.

I definitely wouldn’t buy in the country without renting there first, if you have lived in London all your life you may find country life a bit of a shock and actually miss the buzz of London

Sorry for your loss, OP. Don’t leave yourself too stretched to have a good quality of life. You could get a nice place IN a nice place that’s still got a bit going on or coastal place, say, and your adult children could enjoy visiting you there. They are adults now, and will be going their own way - not small children who need stability and no change. You didn’t choose what has happened to you all any more than they did.
Life is easier when you have financial headroom and I hear you about London being too busy and dirty. There are better places out there for you now. I hope you find something nice, somewhere nice for you to regroup and recover and move forward.

OMG, that’s amazing!

I think its fair enough to talk to them about moving on. Either way you can't stay where you are. Are your children actually looking for their careers? maybe give them a timescale? Finding a forever home doesn't happen overnight so starting to look and doing the declutter and planning is not going to be a quick process. Is what they do in London not available anywhere else? Is the one going to Uni expecting to live with you where you are now?

You have a great budget, come to Surrey, 100s of houses 500k to 900 k. Easy commutes

You are amazing mother

Are you selling to pay off debt or give children their inheritance? Otherwise I con't really understand how you own a house in Hackney but can't afford to downsize to a smaller house in Hackney.

However as others have said £800k will get you a house with a garden in a lot of suburban SE London.

It is such a difficult decision, and more so when you are making it on your own. Sorry for your loss.

Looking ahead, what are your long term work plans?

Could you buy a house with an annex for adult children to live in initially but after they leave home you can rent it out as as AirBnB? Or use as an office/studio to set up a business/use as a hobby?

If not an annex, this could work with a converted garage/basement or similar.

There is always demand for Airbnbs in coastal towns if you like the idea of leaving London.

If you like an area but struggle to find a house with an annex, you can speak to local architects (many are mums!) who can tailor something to suit and may be happy to accompany you to property viewings.

Or downsize significantly, free up some equity and gift each child a modest amount of money for a rental deposit or further career training?

Walkability is a huge issue! As everyone has said you need to work out how you can walk to ameneties and how your children would walk to and from their commute. Many rural and even domestic suburban places have little or sparse public transport or things that don’t work with the train times for commuters. If you imagine the children commute into london you also want to be sure they can get to the station and back without needing a lift from you or owning their own cars.

The main thing i that you need to talk to them. They may have all sorts of different takes on the situation (eg not wanting to leave their lovely mum on her own as she has recently lost her husband)

Beyond that, there are lots of nice places that are commutable to London and you could easily afford a 4 bed, if that's what you want. As pp suggested, try a few airbnbs and see what you think. How about the area around St Albans- you can get into central London in 30-40 mins.

I completely, and I mean completely! Understand and sympathise. It seems like a huge swathe of unknown possibilities doesn’t it. That’s why I narrowed it down to staying East.. if you have pals you may want to stay close to, in Hackney. If you move to, say, Chingford, you can pop a few stops on the train to Walthamstow and zoom into town.
It might be less overwhelming to stay relatively urban, as you are used to walking everywhere. Epping forest is a nice place to walk.
if staying close by like that feels a bit “damp squib” rather than comforting, then that tells you that you are looking for more of a fresh start, rather than just a modification if the current scenario.

Have you looked at Rotherhithe/Canada Water? It is so central but feels quiet/peaceful. Zoopla currently has 16 3 or 4 bedroom houses listed for under £900k - would recommend Rotherhithe over Surrey Quays but it could give you the best of both and you're on the Overground to Hackney in no time at all

How about somewhere like Haywards Heath? Direct trains to Victoria, London Bridge and Brighton. This is 4 bedroom and leaves plenty for savings for yourself or to gift to your DDs https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/160668011#/?channel=RES_BUY

Thanks so much to everyone for their helpful advice. This really is the best of Mumsnet.

I realise that I’ve been avoiding having the difficult family discussion about finances because I couldn’t face the emotions attached (guilt and loss).

I need to be 100% honest with the girls and show them the finances. You’re right, they're adults, and properly involve them in the decisions. It might help to motivate them in the directions they're already mulling over.

Once I’ve done that, then I can get on with the other super helpful, practical tips you’ve given me about finding a home in a new area.

I’ve got goosebumps now as I’m so grateful for the support.

I appreciate that 900000 doesn't go that far in Hackney but it's a huge budget on a national scale.

What about getting a lovely two bed cottage for 400-500 somewhere well away from London (e.g. Somerset or Dorset) then a small one bed flat in London that your girls could share if they need a london base? I don't know the london market well enough to know if that's affordable in London.