To buy a house that suits me and not my children

[JaneEyrie]

My husband died 3 years ago leaving me and 3 young adult children.
It’s now become apparent that we will need to move as I can’t afford to stay in this house or even downsize in this area.
I live in London and my 2 older DD live and work here, but have not yet found careers so may end up moving for work. My youngest starts uni this autumn. So they're still dependant on me..
I could find a cheaper area in London where i could house us, but my 2 DD might end up leaving me soon and I’ll end up with a bigger house than I need in a not great area. I’m worried about buying something that stretches me too far financially.

I’d love to find my forever home and have some much needed stability.

I’m getting tired of the noise and dirt of London and long for a nicer forever home somewhere suburban but If I move out of London, the 2 that work in London probably won’t be able to live with me.
Ideally I’d like a small 2 bed place but can’t bear depriving the children of a family home after they’ve recently lost their father.
I’ve been looking at houses but an just depressed at my options and can’t sleep for worrying about making the right decision.
I feel stuck and am just not sure what to do. Do you have any advice for me?

I'd look at somewhere like West Didsbury in Manchester - you'd get an amazing four-bedded house with garden there. Your children could stay with you as long as they wanted and when they're ready to move, you could stay in the same area but get a smaller place, releasing some money.

My children lost their dad at that age and while one has been fine, the other has really suffered with their career. I wouldn't let them loose like that - the shock of losing their dad means they are often young for their age in some ways.

Manchester is a really great city and they'd have as much chance of finding work there as in London. The train journey to London is great, too, for visiting friends.

I wondered about something similar but I also wondered if facilitating the adult children to stay in London is just keeping them stuck on this path where they have no hope of affording their own family home (flat would be for all three), or afford to have children/pay childcare unless they are the lucky outlier that moves from minimum wage to top 5% of earners.

Op I can only speak from close family experience of this. The dc might well be very wobbly for a while longer, I wouldn’t want to leave them alone just yet, in your place I would move a little further out that allowed a garden and the bedrooms required that is commutable. Bromley, Orpington, Tonbridge and all the areas around there. That area would offer what you would like, and be close enough to your friends (so important) and to your dc’s job and network but would still offer a fresh start.

In our experience our network helped my sil and dns to get through the most difficult time. I wouldn’t go down to Margate, your dc may end up on benefits or worse. They need to maximise their opportunities. I really feel for you op.

Both my adult DC are living back home with us @JaneEyrie. One is on NMW, the other doesn’t earn much more than that, but they both pay us rent each month - after all, we’re buying their food, heating their bedrooms and paying for the water/electricity to do all their washing! It’s way below what they’d have to pay if they moved out, but it’s important for them to make a contribution, as our expenses are significantly higher now they’re back home.

I think that if you are coming from Hackney, you might be better off going somewhere like Ware/Hertford in Hertfordshire. I used to live in Stoke Newington and have friends who live in Ware and it is a lot closer to where your old neighbourhood is located (so you can maintain those relationships) and fulfills the other criteria (nice countryside and an ok commute). Why go for a suburb that is so far away from where you are now?

@JaneEyrie sounds like you're now on the right track. I am very sorry for your loss, but the good thing about your situation now is that you're all in it together and your girls are understanding, so you should be able to speak freely and formulate your plans.

Where is your youngest going to University? is relocation nearer to there a possibility? and secondly, as your other two are not earning much above minimum wage, you need to do investigations into commuting costs. It may be that some of the areas mentioned are more affordable for housing, but impact severely on financing their travel to work.

Once you're had some in depth heart to hearts about what each of you would like, ensuring that you're not left with a property much larger than you need in five years time, and have thrashed out your finances, then come back to the property board with your budget to include stamp duty, legal fees and added costs and removals, and you'll be amazed how helpful people will be when given a very clear brief.

OP just to add I think you are underestimating what your budget can get you outside of London. I’m on the border of Sutton/Surrey and that would get you a fabulous 4 bedroom house.

I think an honest conversation sounds very sensible. I used to live in Bromley and it alongside Beckenham has some wonderful green areas.

At the age your kids are, I would be anticipating that one or two may end up moving some distance and therefore having a house big enough for them to stay when they have their own kids would be something to consider but only if this works for you financially!

If you want to stay in London but much cheaper than Hackney and nicer than Woolwich, Charlton is a good bet. Especially the 'Charlton Slopes' area which is a short walk from good local shops, pubs, cafes etc, walking distance to the green spaces of Greenwich Park and the heath and well placed for both Southeastern trains and the bus to North Greenwich for the tube.

Lots of terraced houses where the 4th bed is loft conversion, or go for a 3-bed and make the living room a bedroom for a limited period of time for your kids but it wouldn't feel so big when they go.

e.g. 3 bedroom end of terrace house for sale in Hopedale Road, Charlton, SE7 or 4 bedroom terraced house for sale in Eastcombe Avenue, Charlton, SE7

I don't have kids, so am of the mindset that you should do what works for you.

But - DH's parents moved a significant distance from where they raised their kids and honestly it's totally destabilised the whole family. It shouldnt make a difference, we're all grown adults. But DH and his sister obviously have no links to where their parents have chosen to move, which means they haven't been influenced to live anywhere near them when theyve made decisions about their own housing, and have relocated to different places themselves - in different directions from one another.
So now the whole family is scattered in a big triangle across the UK, with hours of driving between each sibling and the parents.
So we rarely see one another.
DH and I always say, if they'd stayed put, we all would have ended up settling near them.

It sounds like you're only considering moving relatively close by, so perhaps you'll avoid this.

I think you have to make sure that you’re not disempowering them by wanting to protect them. There is no reason why they can’t contribute financially if they’re earning and working full time. I think you need to be realistic about finances and the two grown up children shouldn’t be dependent on you. if they want the family home to be an option, they need to be contributing as adults.

What is your current shortfall for the mortgage/general finances? It may be that with some rent it is still affordable in the short-term which would give you a few more years to find the best place for you to settle. You also need to consciously that if you downsize that equity needs to be for your future. I wouldn’t list give them money for a deposit if your pension isn’t good etc.

If the older two don't want to move from London could they get a flat share together? I'm not in London so now idea on how expensive that would be?

Some gorgeous countryside properties out there, keep you all close and a go to place for when the grandchildren eventually come along x

Personally, I’d move somewhere substantially more affordable than London and use the leftover to help your children while they pursue their careers if need be, but I enjoy moving.

IMO above all, finding an affordable roof is essential even if not the ideal one. I was widowed mid 20s and while it broke my heart to relocate DD (who had been in the same school from 3 to 9 years old), the fact was we simply couldn’t afford to stay in the area any longer.

That sort of budget would get you a house that accommodates everyone (I don’t agree with a 2 bedroom option unless truly last resort) in a nice area with good transport. Manchester, York, Harrogate… they’re very good options, really.

It is pretty obvious she means £800-£900k

It's such a hard thing to do, but you must be practical and make some good choices for yourself in the longer term - as you say, while you want to support them, your team are nearly grown.

I'd stop looking at actual houses for now and start to think about your potential life and what you would like it to look like.

What facilities and amenities are important to you (ignore practical stuff thats everywhere like supermarkets etc and think about parks to walk in, leisure centres etc. What matters?

What groups and networks do you want to be in? Are there knitting groups, walking groups etc - whatever you are interested in?

If you volunteer or woud like to, what options are there?

This will give you an idea of potential different places.

I think it's really important to get a feel for a place too, so spend time visiting different locations - fun days out? And do this in winter - everywhere looks better in the sunshine so if you like it when its a bit dull and overcast ...it will be better when its not.

If you need to continue to work, the availability of work in your specialism is key too. And if you don't need to work, think about part-time for a little while, as that can also help build networks and relationships, particularly somewhere new.

I think it's easy to be distracted by looking at houses when what you need is more context about what you want. Of course, you want 4 beds in London. But 3 beds are ok - the kids can share if they all come back for Christmas. Or if they launch you could rent a room for a while for some extra income to cover move costs etc.

And when you say your kids earn just a bit over minimum wage, people have to live on minimum wage so while you might be unhappy that they have to pay you more, the reality is that they're going to have to as a stopgap - and it will help them potentially make decisions and focus on what they want to do, too.

So now the whole family is scattered in a big triangle across the UK, with hours of driving between each sibling and the parents.
So we rarely see one another.
DH and I always say, if they'd stayed put, we all would have ended up settling near them.

IL and my parents stayed put and we're no where near due to work.

My siblings stayed in area near parents and where they grew up both in HA housing as prices vs wages are too out of wack for them - both single one with kids.

My parents felt they couldn't move - and they did think about coast and peak district - but they stayed and worse they stayed in village with poor transport links - partly as Dsis needed chilcare help - Dmum is now alone and not up for a move but would have liked to give up driving but has had to compromise with small car and self imposed rectictions on when and how far as it's too isloating without that.

So I don't think move not move is clear cut - especially as our kids are doing uni as well and could end up anywhere.

Having grown up DH in small rural town (which last decade massively impoved puiblic transport links ) and me in a then rural village - we're city people - small town we ended up with prior to here wasn't great for us - so hopefully they'll vist us and us them.

Can you try Surrey? You can get a nice 4 bed for a similar amount or even less depending on the area and it will still be commutable distance to London for their work unless you mean 800 and not 800K? I may have got it wrong. If its 800, then you may want to just make a decision that favours you but obviously let them know that it is still their home even though it might be smaller and they may not all have their individual rooms.

Do you know if your kids want to stay in London? Living on low wages in London is not easy and they might want to move away for a better overall standard of living, especially if as you say, they haven’t got settled career paths and so aren’t tied to London.

It would be a shame to tie yourself to London or nearby for their sakes and then find they move away anyway. Best to discuss with them. Albeit I realise they may not know what they intend!

From Hackney I would look either in some of the London suburbs mentioned or either Herts or Essex. Essex has some areas which would enable you to be close to you current friends, and is a bit more affordable and your kids could commute into London if they want. There are some lovely bits of Essex.

After what has been a very traumatic time I would not be looking to relocate to a totally different area of the country unless I had no choice.

Woah, what a change @Xiaoxiong
Do you mind me asking what was the thinking behind that drastic move? Had they been overspending compared to their income or was it simply a radical downsizing decision? Hope you managed to stay in touch with local friends, being in London.

My parents also downsized but then moved to the opposite end of the country, which unfortunately had some quite far-reaching effects on our family relationships.

It's your life. You shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life (after all, you have suffered loss too) making their lives easier. I know the impulse is to look after them but you have to look after yourself as well. Have they thought about your needs?

OP, sorry for your loss.

When you mention buying their food etc, you refer to 'we'? Do you have a new partner now (in which case, I'm happy for you) and if so what is their view?

Honestly do NOT feel guilty about not being able to permanently house your adult children. They need to be financially independent. Think about your own life at that age, having to make it on your own gives you the skills you need to live a successful life.

My DD is 17 and complaining about working a (very) part-time job on top of A Levels, learning to drive and training hard in her sport. I tell her that yes, life is busy and it's tough. Sometimes you have to miss out on a party, or get up early at the weekend, or pull a late-night study session to fit it all in. Better she learns this now ahead of university and her career.

How about this amazing house right in the centre of Colchester. Everything you need in walking distance and commutable to London. I used to live nowhere quite so swish in the Dutch Quarter after living in London for some time.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/158872703

You're being a bit irrational about that last sentence. But I totally get it because I lost my husband when our DDs were the same age as your two oldest.

But in my case within 18 months of their dad dying, mine had both found partners and moved in with them. You have already been providing for yours for three years. You haven't failed.

I think you have a very simple question to ask your offspring, after explaining that you can't keep this house in the long term.

"I want to consider your needs and wants re the house. My options are a) to sell up now, which will mean you living in a much more inconvenient place for a while, or flat sharing independently or b) keep this place for another couple of years, but ask you for a reasonably realistic room rent, while still offering the mum domestic support. Could you have a think about that options and let me know your opinion?"