To buy a house that suits me and not my children

[JaneEyrie]

My husband died 3 years ago leaving me and 3 young adult children.
It’s now become apparent that we will need to move as I can’t afford to stay in this house or even downsize in this area.
I live in London and my 2 older DD live and work here, but have not yet found careers so may end up moving for work. My youngest starts uni this autumn. So they're still dependant on me..
I could find a cheaper area in London where i could house us, but my 2 DD might end up leaving me soon and I’ll end up with a bigger house than I need in a not great area. I’m worried about buying something that stretches me too far financially.

I’d love to find my forever home and have some much needed stability.

I’m getting tired of the noise and dirt of London and long for a nicer forever home somewhere suburban but If I move out of London, the 2 that work in London probably won’t be able to live with me.
Ideally I’d like a small 2 bed place but can’t bear depriving the children of a family home after they’ve recently lost their father.
I’ve been looking at houses but an just depressed at my options and can’t sleep for worrying about making the right decision.
I feel stuck and am just not sure what to do. Do you have any advice for me?

Sorry for your loss, and the situation you find yourself in. Are you able to speak to the children about it?

Whereabouts in London are you? How much will your budget be?

Do you have ideas of where you would like to live? Would it be somewhere commutable (you said suburban ) - even if it’s a long commute ? Then the kids would still have the choice.

I’m so sorry your husband died .

It seems mean that they lost their dad and now they are losing their home too. If you all pay your way, and they don't expect a free / heavily subsidised ride, can't you afford something suitable for all of you?

I don’t know the ages of your kids & their situations but my plan is to stay in my house which doesn’t really suit me until my youngest leaves for Uni & then I will move to a house that suits me.

I’ll still accommodate my young adult children but it would be me as a priority as the only one needing to live there full time.

I understand your children may require more support having only just lost their Dad though.

Are your two working DC paying you rent?

Maybe somewhere outside London but still commuting distance could be a compromise?

How old are your children?

As your DC are adults I think you should speak with them. What are their plans? If they plan on moving out soon yes it would be foolish to buy a house with their needs in mind

It's not unreasonable to want to buy your forever home, move out of london or downsize once your DC are adults.

Would you be able to afford a 3 bed anywhere? How far out of london are you thinking? Could your 2 adult DC rent somewhere together

I think this is something that you need to discuss with them. How do they feel about it and what are their plans to live independently?

Do you think they might be living with you because they feel you need the support? Perhaps an honest conversation about this might be a relief.

If possible I'd buy a 4 bed house big enough to house all 3 children and yourself, as close to london as possible

There are some nice areas in north london, in like zone 5 or 6

Or I'd start again in a city with commuter links to london

I wouldnt buy somewhere which would cause them to lose their home, given all they've been through

And the reality of the housing market means they will need to rely on you for a lot longer than previous generations relied on their parents

Sorry for your loss, op. Hope you can make it work ❤️

You could look on the outskirts of London so it’s quieter but still commutable for London. There are areas which have lots of green spaces and woods nearby.

You need to have a conversation with them really. Give them the two options and see what they say.

1. You stay in the family home however they need to be financially contributing for that to happen.

2. You leave and move somewhere cheaper and they can pay less/none at all.

Sorry wrong place

I vote to find your forever home.
You can allow older DC time to find their own rentals first.
But don't move to where you are unhappy. It won't benefit anyone.

What rent do your working children pay currently?
will the uni child be living away or at home? If at home, some accommodation charge to cone from the student loan would be reasonable in the circumstances

Id look at any realistic options to share the load (well at least give them the option) for a little longer if you can. Then lay out all the alternatives so you can have as group discussion

Could you rent out your house and rent in the area you think you'd like to buy? Or, if you aren't sure of areas, narrow it down a bit and AirBnB a few different places over a year? In the interim, you could rent your existing property out. This would give you a better idea of areas and what you need in a property.

Will your youngest be living at Uni/renting with mates once they start? Your 2 older kids could always find someone else to pay the market rent on your existing property (if they can afford it), or they can get a houseshare, like most people have to.

Yes, I have the they’re terribly sweet, but that makes it harder. I want to protect them and support them for as long as I can.

Location wise, lots of people live outside london and commute in. I have done it all my working life. Ita not that far, there are fast trains, you can get from zone 6 to zone 1 in 25 minutes ona fast train in my area.
You can also get more for your money in the outer suburbs and home counties, you might find you can stretch to a 3 bed quite comfortably.
I would be looking at your forever home rather than suiting your daughters but you could find somewhere commutable with a bit more space if you look around zone 5 and 6 and home counties.

Are the children doing jobs that can be easily transferred to another area, like cleaning or working in a franchise business (Mcdonalds, Starbucks etc.) that could work for them. They could probably find a cheaper flat to rent outside of London too.

I’m in Hackney and I have £800-£900. For a 4 bed house, that’s impossible.

DD is about to go to uni. I plan to move on too. I lack a support system in London and want to move back "home" though it's still only just over an hour from London by train. My DD understands this. Her dad still lives in London, and her family tree goes back in London two centuries, so it's home to her. But there comes a time when you feel you have to go, for practical, emotional, or financial reasons. The kids are adults now, its tough to house yourself as a young person, but they aren't your responsibility any more. Good luck OP, in the next chapter of your life.

Well, obviously. I don't have children and I'm (probably) younger, but please put yourself first now.

How old are your "young adult" children? I feel there's a big difference between 20 and 25...
you need to have a discussion about this with them, they may end up leaving home earlier and moving into a house share earlier than they might have wanted to but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Were they fortunate enough to acquire a bit of extra income in their own right via his pension(s) when he died?

I'm recently widowed myself, my DD are 30/31. One at home with me as she came back from Australia to be with us before he died, it was all rather quick, 3 months from getting ill to dying, 6 weeks from when he finally got a diagnosis. She would like to go back but has committed to a minimum of a year in the UK. There's a lot to navigate and get used to. Downsizing is something I'm also considering mainly due to the garden.

Why don’t you go somewhere with good commuter links like maidenhead bucks or Guildford