To buy a house that suits me and not my children

[JaneEyrie]

My husband died 3 years ago leaving me and 3 young adult children.
It’s now become apparent that we will need to move as I can’t afford to stay in this house or even downsize in this area.
I live in London and my 2 older DD live and work here, but have not yet found careers so may end up moving for work. My youngest starts uni this autumn. So they're still dependant on me..
I could find a cheaper area in London where i could house us, but my 2 DD might end up leaving me soon and I’ll end up with a bigger house than I need in a not great area. I’m worried about buying something that stretches me too far financially.

I’d love to find my forever home and have some much needed stability.

I’m getting tired of the noise and dirt of London and long for a nicer forever home somewhere suburban but If I move out of London, the 2 that work in London probably won’t be able to live with me.
Ideally I’d like a small 2 bed place but can’t bear depriving the children of a family home after they’ve recently lost their father.
I’ve been looking at houses but an just depressed at my options and can’t sleep for worrying about making the right decision.
I feel stuck and am just not sure what to do. Do you have any advice for me?

My problem is that I could live anywhere, technically. I’m going to have to move away from friends and commitments here, so ideally I’d like to move to somewhere I’d like.
I’ve looked at Woolwich, Abbey Wood, Bromley, Folkestone, Margate.
But I have no ties to those areas and it’s so daunting starting afresh not knowing anyone or having any support.

With that budget you’ll be fine! Have a chat with them. They might be hanging around so as not to leave you alone. They might be ok about moving. Ask them to start looking on Rightmove as they might find a gem for you.

I have two DC in London both under 22 and paying 1.2-1.4k a month rent. So if your DC are working in London then I assume they will have to pay 2.6ish between them for rent? Why can't they help?

What did they say when you spoke to them? (Sorry OP you are being unhelpfully vague here!)

You could get a fantastic house in Folkestone and it seems a very vibrant place

My 2 oldest are only earning just above the minimum wage, so can barely afford to contribute anything.
i feel so bad about not being able to provide for my children 😭

It's not protecting them if staying in this house is putting you under financial strain, and therefore threatening their living situation as well. They might be making unsustainable or unrealistic work or career decisions assuming they can stay in this house and location, and would make different decisions if they had all the facts.

They're adults and you say you can talk to them about it - I think you need to sit down and spell it out.

"Kids, we need to talk about the future - you girls are going to be making some big decisions in the next few years about where you're going to be living and working and building your lives and I don't want you making any decisions until we decide what to do about the house."

Then present them with a number of options like: they pay you a market rent, they stay in the area in a private rental and you move further out, they come with you and you move further out, etc.

Sorry is that the money available to rent monthly?
If so, you’re going to find it pretty much impossible to rent somewhere big enough even quite far out of London. I live 40 miles outside the capital but rent of a 2 bed flat costs at least £1200pcm

As you are in Hackney.. would you and your children perhaps prefer to stay East? You likely could find something around Chingford? Or something smaller around Wanstead or Highams Park? Or for a quieter life..towards Chelmsford?

Full or part time? If full time then would bring in approx £27k a year if my maths is right. Definitely enough to contribute a decent chunk!
I realise it’s not what you want or had planned but their alternative is moving and relocating somewhere they may not wish to be or renting a room locally - which will be WAY more expensive

I vote find your forever home too. I’m so very sorry you are in this position. My heart goes out to you.

Is that 800-900k?

This kind of thing..

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/162725006#/?channel=RES_BUY

I would suggest going a bit further out east, some lovely area's but still very commutable such as Buckhurst hill, Loughton, Highams park, Chingford, Woodford, Epping. I've also heard Upminster is nice.

That would be much better than my guess so let’s hope so!!😂

Not really a response to your original question, OP, but your next move will be a major life change for you and it might be worth renting somewhere for a while to check out how you actually feel about living there.

Your DC are adults and they want the best for you too, so I'm sure they won't expect you to sacrifice your well-being to continue accommodating them.

Good luck and sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry, you’re facing this too.
My others are 21 and 23, they are in jobs that are transferable but they hope to launch “careers” before too long.
Sadly, there was nothing for them to inherit and they have no savings. Money was tight for before my husband died as he was ill for a while and it used all our savings.
Ironically, I long for a garden, but never really having had one, I don’t know if I’m being naive

“My 2 oldest are only earning just above the minimum wage”

So if they work 35 hours, they earn about £430 a week. It’s not unreasonable to expect a contribution towards family finances. If they paid £250 a month each, which for London is utterly laughable, would that be enough to enable you to stay for the time being?

At this point OP, you need to step back and see that your 'children' are adults, and perhaps this clinging to a model of family isn't helpful. They need to fledge, don't they? It will be uncomfortable, but we all need to kick out the little birdies if they are to thrive.

They all need their own long-term life plans. Would a family counselling approach help to unpick some of this?

If you could live anywhere, and assuming you have 900k cash and an income of your own, why not just spend 250k somewhere and split the rest between them when they are eventually ready to buy property or similar?

That looks lovely.

The problem I’ve got, is that I see a house like that and I’m paralysed by indecision. How do I choose?

I know you can’t help me with this and perhaps I have to see every house and every area and one will just speak to me

The Lizzie line is a game changer! you can get out as far as Reading and they can still commute easily and quickly. there's villages along the line near reading too.

Why are they in minimum wage jobs? Are their jobs tied to London? Can't you all move to somewhere more affordable?

I will give some perspective from a similar situation. I'm guessing I am now a similar age to you, one off to uni (but one younger). My df died when I was early 20's working in London. For my db this was just before he left for uni.
My mum was in no fit state to move initially so it took a few years. I can't quite remember but it was certainly after my db left uni (he was by then living in London), say 3-5 years. It was sad for us as it was the family home and lots of memories but we knew it needed to happen, the large family property was far too much for my mum and she was going to massively benefit from the money released.
She bought a 3 bed place but much smaller. She moved my brother's old stuff into his 'room' in the new place I think she was concerned about him having a place to come back to. But he's never lived there, he was in the stage of his life where he was establishing independent adulthood. Which is as it should be (harder with loss and grief but still needs to be done). She didn't really need that room, but maybe it helped?
I know the housing market is shit especially in London and rents are ridiculous. But it is the world we live in. We can't protect our kids from that reality (unless we are rich asset owners)..I have to accept my kids will never be home owners in my life time (only hope might be inheriting any property assets if there are any left after my death). I also know that they are very unlikely to be able to live in the city they were born in as rents are silly money and neither of them want to go into finance, commercial law or management consultancy.....So be it. I'll visit them in whatever cheaper area of the country they eventually land on.
It's a great shame but this is the reality
Talk to your kids share the dilemmas and fears. Ultimately we were happy for mum as it was what she needed. She's built a really solid network in her new location and that's so nice to see.

Have you thought of somewhere like Didcot/surrounding villages? Your money would go much further there, and it’s commutable to London.

Id look for a fresh start and relocate . Move out of the south completely, you could get lovely 3 bed somewhere up north or Scotland or Northern ireland. If kids want to stay in London they will have to look for houseshare

that would get you a lot in many parts of south
London - look at Bromley, Orpington (which has 15 min trains to London) or Sutton.