To buy a house that suits me and not my children

[JaneEyrie]

My husband died 3 years ago leaving me and 3 young adult children.
It’s now become apparent that we will need to move as I can’t afford to stay in this house or even downsize in this area.
I live in London and my 2 older DD live and work here, but have not yet found careers so may end up moving for work. My youngest starts uni this autumn. So they're still dependant on me..
I could find a cheaper area in London where i could house us, but my 2 DD might end up leaving me soon and I’ll end up with a bigger house than I need in a not great area. I’m worried about buying something that stretches me too far financially.

I’d love to find my forever home and have some much needed stability.

I’m getting tired of the noise and dirt of London and long for a nicer forever home somewhere suburban but If I move out of London, the 2 that work in London probably won’t be able to live with me.
Ideally I’d like a small 2 bed place but can’t bear depriving the children of a family home after they’ve recently lost their father.
I’ve been looking at houses but an just depressed at my options and can’t sleep for worrying about making the right decision.
I feel stuck and am just not sure what to do. Do you have any advice for me?

Your children are unlikely to ever be able to afford to buy in London. So will probably end up moving out themselves in time.
If you all move to a commuter town together now it will be so much easier.

Royston - fast trains to London, in within an hour. A short hop to Cambridge. That budget will easily get you a 4 bed house with a very nice garden. Old feel town centre. Plenty of houses that are walkable to the station:

Mid Century, green close, walkable to the station and 675k: www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/164157209#/?channel=RES_BUY

Victorian 3 bed (four reception rooms so flexible for more beds). walkable to the station and 635k: https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/157697954#/?channel=RES_BUY

Highams hill/Park is great! This was a serious contender for me as next to epping forest, peaceful, community vibe, London (23mins to liverpool st), stuff going on, one stop from Walthamstow and not far from everything previously known including friends and support networks which are so important. Housing cost is not yet astronomic.
I'm very sorry for your loss and the situation you find yourself in. Decision making is tough.

I am sorry for your loss. How urgent is the decision financially? Could you buy more time in the current house by taking in language students if you have a spare bedroom. You could find a house in Chislehurst, Bickley or Beckenham just within budget although you would probably need to make compromises. Moving too far out, such as that house in Dedham, would mean massive commuting costs. Remember if you stay in London you will have free travel in old age, access to hospitals, and lots to do on the doorstep.

I suggest taking Woolwich and Abbey Wood off your list.

It's gorgeous - and areas like Colchester have trains that go straight into Stratford and Liverpool Street.

So many great possibilities :)

I would seriously consider Rayleigh, Essex. It's on the train line that runs into Liverpool street, or you can change at Stratford and catch the Elizabeth Line which is awesome. I think it's around 35-40 mins to Liverpool Street, so accessing London isn't an issue. It's also 15 minutes drive from the seafront, not too far from Lakeside shopping centre if you like that sort of thing and is a clean, safe area.

You could pick up a decent 3/4-bed house for around £450k and retire with the rest!

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/find.html?searchLocation=Rayleigh%2C+Essex&useLocationIdentifier=true&locationIdentifier=REGION%5E1113&radius=0.0&maxPrice=450000&minBedrooms=3&_includeSSTC=on

Re Colchester house - be careful about swapping central london for something in the countryside. Much harder to build connections etc. you’d be better off in a less expensive City - Norwich for example, Reading

Blimey OP and I thought I was the only one in this dilemma. Well, my dilemma was really of my own making (everyone takes great delight in telling me this) as I divorced emotionally abusive ex a few years ago, and then moved into a rental near youngest DD's uni, we have lived together for a while. I moved from the the areas you listed originally! All my friends and family are over in that area, and I am an hour away, constantly driving round the M25 to visit anyone. I've literally made myself ill thinking I am desperate to go back to be vaguely near friends at least (would have to move further out to afford it though) but then knowing that would move me further from my DDs who are 22 and 24. One needs additional support to attend uni, one is on minimum wage. MN is notorious for banging on about kids "paying their way" when they've got fuck all to pay anything with.

Renting or buying is horrible for young people, just not really viable, DD24 paying over £1k a month for a bedsit for example. The DCs are the most important thing in my life, so I am currently trying to get a flat to remain as near to them as possible (can't afford to keep the rental I am in I need to actually buy something). I'm in my 60s but I have come to terms with the fact that my next move is yet again a temporary one.

My DDs would be heartbroken if they knew all the details about my finances, they constantly say we want the best for you Mum. But when making decisions where there is unlikely to be a good outcome, you can choose the least worst, or if there is no least worst, then stick to your values. I realised after pulling out of a couple of purchases back near to my "home" area, that my values are telling me to stay as close to DDs as possible, with a bedroom they can share at least (so many people telling me they can sleep on the floor or the sofa) - I think it was my trying to say no its ok I can happily move away from them and back to the area I previously lived in that was causing me so much intense distress, waking up every morning feeling like I was going to be sick etc. I'm sorry you are in this club OP but sort of glad to see I'm not the only member if that makes sense.

(BTW - another vote for not Woolwich and I was brought up there ...!!)

This is an excellent idea.
I was going to suggest that if you are moving somewhere completely new then look North. You could buy a mansion for that sort of money, somewhere huge with land. In many areas even half that would buy you a very decent 4 bedroom house.
A tiny flay in London could solve the DC immediate problem and you could sell later for a pension pot to safeguard your future

@JaneEyrie Firstly I am so sorry to hear about your husband, you have been through a lot and it sounds like you have some lovely grown up children. You have said several times your children are lovely and supportive. I would sit them down and have a chat and explain the situation and your feelings. Have a look at the home counties. I have lived in Hertfordshire and Bedfordshire and although some areas such as St Albans can be expensive, the aurrounding villages are more affordable as are places like Leighton Buzzard and there are excellent commuter links into London with the new rail links. You would get a lot more for your money, lots of lovely green open spaces, lakes, all villages have a local shop, pharmacy, post office etc. Good communities and lots on to make new friends but also no too far to visit old ones. And nowhere is too far if you drive. Always worth exploring options and maybe do so together. Hope you find your forever home. https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/165926054#/?channel=RES_NEW

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/161031770#/?channel=RES_BUY

OP - just to say, my Dc earns £24k and pays about £1k pcm in rent and bills. And still manages to go to festivals and the odd European mini break.

And...move to Walthamstow - you can afford it and hackney is just down the road!

If your youngest is about to go to uni, I am guessing that your adult children are still early 20s unless there is a big age gap between them. London rents are so astronomical, you are really helping them out living at home because I don't expect they are on huge salaries. However, I can understand wanting a change of scene. Could you find a 3 bed place in Forest Gate or Leytonstone and use one of the downstairs rooms as a bedroom? You should also ask the two that are working for £500 pcm to help with costs. It will still be so much cheaper for them than them renting.

With that budget you can easily afford a lovely 4-bedroom house with garden in many commuter towns - Winchester, Tunbridge Wells, Sevenoaks, St Albans, Canterbury, Folkestone - and have enough leftover to be able to gift your kids £50k each if you wanted to.

Condolences OP, this is hard after loss of your husband. I haven’t read everything but throwing my thoughts in. I would sell the house and assuming that you get £800k, I would buy a small three bedroom within an hour of London (doesn’t have to be in London), aiming to spend £600k. I’d then give each child £25k to support them over the next two years as they grow and develop their careers - enabling them to stay in London if they wish. You would then have £125k left for you. It’s not perfect but it softens the blow for them and enables them to forge their own path (which, sadly, they need to do given your circumstances).

The thing is, us Londoners ..our children most likely won’t be able to buy property where they grew up, and raise a family in London.. it’s too expensive. So moving away together is a sensible idea. We have to change our mindset to a new location where the long term holds prospects for the whole family. Or buy a huge house on the edge of London and embrace multi generational living.

There are places on the outskirts of London which are pleasant enough and a lot cheaper. Try Bromley and Bexley boroughs for a start. Public transport to central London is good from both areas but do your homework, there are very nice parts and some not so.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. This is such a supportive thread, the best of Mumsnet.

I have grown up children and just wanted to say that I agree, you have provided for them and also, I get how they completely still need you once they're young adults, even if they're technically grown up. I think it is your time now but equally, if you move somewhere where you never see them I don't think you'll like it.

Best of luck with deciding what to do, some great advice on this thread and I agree with everyone who says don't leave everything you love about London and move somewhere you don't know.

How big is your current house? Is there a possibility to sublet/ have a lodger in one or more rooms to help you out temporarily?

Another thing to bear in mind, OP, is how many more times you want to move. Moving house is quite expensive and your DDs might not have realised that as they won’t have had to do it. Is it worth moving to a 4 bed now and spending £30kish on stamp duty plus the costs of moving and then settling into a new place (which is bound to need some new bits of furniture or curtains and things as they never move perfectly from one house to another) only to find in 5 years time that all of your DDs have settled down with partners and you’re in a house which is possibly too big for you. And, to buy that house, you’ll have had to move further out of London or to a less nice area or to a not particularly convenient/desirable part of a nicer area.
As you know only too well, life doesn’t come with a crystal ball so it might be that, in five years time, your DDs are all wanting to live with you still or two have moved out but the one living with you has their partner move in with you too.
For both your sake & that of your DDs, I think you do need to be able to travel quite easily to where you live now so that you can catch up with friends. Making links in the new area will be largely down to you and, whilst death & divorce means in my experience that there are normally lots of women in their late 40s, 50s & 60s who are very actively building a social life, it can be hard.

Coming from North Lincs that’s an amazing budget. Literally mansion territory. Seriously, take a look at Lincoln.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to downsize and look for your Forever Home.

Don’t! The culture shock from Hackney to Lincoln would traumatise you for life!

I'd add to this slightly [it's so tempting to pile in with lots of lovely local homes which are totally achievable on that budget but they are just random homes around the country to you.

What are your interests? I assume you are not still working. How mobile are you you? Do you drive?

Is it sensible to assume that realistically you want a pleasant easily managed small garden with lots of local amenities* and not the potential to start a small holding and house your kids in caravans somewhere in the acreage?

*What sort of amenities other than a decent mainline station? Near the sea, a reasonably large conurbation, theatre, hospital, etc

Do you need to take equity out of your home to invest towards an additional retirement income. If so, do you have a target budget that's even lower than £800k [which also comes with stamp duty]

Do you want a forever house that has rooms that will do in the short term but be turned into living space longer term for you as they all disappear.

If they are doing min wage jobs are they mostly all transferable eg: they are trained teachers but making do while applying for jobs OR trained X that really need to be within 1 hour of a major UK city to find work?

Exactly this. They're either adults or they aren't. Adults can have this conversation. I think exactly that needs saying, too.

Just to add another comment OP - bit late in the day, so this might have been said many times earlier (too many posts to trawl through now!)... but the obvious other thing to bear in mind (if you want your next home to be "forever") is that your own personal needs are likely to change over time. A 4-bed house with a huge garden is great when it's full of people, but a lot to rattle around in if it's just you. Plus, we slow down as we get older and it's easier to manage a compact garden than a lovely big one with a lawn to cut. Or a 1- or 2-storey house rather than one split over 3 or 4 floors.

Happy hunting 💗