To buy a house that suits me and not my children

[JaneEyrie]

My husband died 3 years ago leaving me and 3 young adult children.
It’s now become apparent that we will need to move as I can’t afford to stay in this house or even downsize in this area.
I live in London and my 2 older DD live and work here, but have not yet found careers so may end up moving for work. My youngest starts uni this autumn. So they're still dependant on me..
I could find a cheaper area in London where i could house us, but my 2 DD might end up leaving me soon and I’ll end up with a bigger house than I need in a not great area. I’m worried about buying something that stretches me too far financially.

I’d love to find my forever home and have some much needed stability.

I’m getting tired of the noise and dirt of London and long for a nicer forever home somewhere suburban but If I move out of London, the 2 that work in London probably won’t be able to live with me.
Ideally I’d like a small 2 bed place but can’t bear depriving the children of a family home after they’ve recently lost their father.
I’ve been looking at houses but an just depressed at my options and can’t sleep for worrying about making the right decision.
I feel stuck and am just not sure what to do. Do you have any advice for me?

I think you urgently need to have a family meeting. Write down all your worries and all the possibilities. They’re adults, give them a chance to contribute thoughts and ideas. It’s easy to be overprotective of bereaved offspring as I know too well. Ds was 14 when his dad died. They might surprise you.

Is your youngest going to be far away for uni? I moved when ds was in his first year of uni, I accept that it’s not ideal but he knows he always has a home with me even if it isn’t his top preferred location. I think that’s providing. Look at the positives. Your children are working or in education, two are full adults (over 21). They are doing really well.

In your situation, yes I would look for reasonable travel to London but also a real long term home for you and a garden. I’m more on the West so might look at nicer bits of Reading and around Maidenhead, maybe Goring or other small towns along the line.

I live near Bedford which has really good commuter links to London and for that budget you could easily get something suitable for you all. Hotspot too as the new Universal theme park coming in the next few years!

Is that £800-900k? If so, could you downsize significantly and then free up some money to give each of them a bit of a starter pot?

@JaneEyrie you have provided for them - you've raised them, they've got an education under their belts, and you've provided them with an emotional safety net after the loss of their father so they have a great relationship with you. Think about how many kids don't have those things and you will realise what a good job you've done for them!

They need to have a clear-eyed view of what the family financial situation is to help them make their own decisions about their futures.

I grew up without ever having any sense of what my parents' finances were like - we lived in a family sized house in London, money seemed to be available when I wanted it (not mad money but you know, comfortable) and everything just seemed to always be taken care of. Then, when my younger brother went to university they told us they were moving into a studio flat. Until then, I was sort of vaguely considering a masters...or an internship in public policy or maybe journalism...or maybe taking a min-wage entry level job at a non-profit (save the world, super idealistic). Their announcement that they were moving to the studio flat told me that I was living in cloud cuckoo land - that I was going to have to make money as soon as I possibly could, as much as I could. It lit a fire under my bum, I changed all my plans and aspirations, started working two part-time jobs alongside studying etc. It worked out very well overall but with my own kids I'm trying to involve them in discussions not about not having enough money, but about the trade-offs and decisions that we all need to make about where we choose to spend our money and how those decisions are informed by our values as a family.

Maybe it would help if you tried to imagine the type of life you want, rather than focussing on the house/area first?
Do you have friends/family/support network where you are now? What work,interests etc do you envisage? What do you dream of for your children / does a move help or hinder that dream? How far from the big smoke do you want to be - ie your desires rather than the practicality

I am so sorry to hear about your husband passing. I know it is a big change. I have grown up in the south east London areas you are looking at, and Bromley, Abbey Wood and Woolwich are all very commutable for London based jobs. It may cost a bit more than to commute from Hackney, but not to sound harsh, that is a reasonable compromise for your children to make. I don’t think that moving to those areas will damage your children’s prospects to form a career and if it eases financial oressure, the impact on all your wellbeing is worth it. It’s also fairly easy to get back to Hackney to see your support networks.

As an aside, I would avoid Woolwich, it’s a bit of a shithole (I lived there for 10 years).

It has been 3 years since your DH . Plenty of time to have gotten used to the necessary changes. Could the two working share a flat ? Many people have to leave London as it is so expensive and getting unaffordable . It is a reality that they should be able to cope with .

The areas you've mentioned are still 'london' to me!
At some point your kids need to be independent. I would look for a commuter town to London with good support networks for you (your interests and wants from a town) and maybe a three/ four bed so there's some capacity for your children. IE enough space for them to live with you in a nice enough house that's affordable enough for you to support them without paying rent but they will have to pay their commuting costs should they choose to live with you.
With 800k that would get you alot of places within 90 mins of London!! (I mean we are in the north west and it would get you here - and a 6 bed villa!) But you may want to consider 50 mins as more reasonable - but that would still get you a 4 bed in Wycombe or Aylesbury etc.

This brought a little tear to my eye. I’m so sorry for the loss you’ve all suffered. It sounds like you’re all trying to support each other. Maybe let your young adult children support you in this? It seems like they would be happy to.

I'd suggest looking at a smaller house with a decent garden then putting some ancillary accommodation in. You could get a decent static caravan with a couple of bedrooms for around £10k. It gives them some extra independence and, as long as it's central heated and double glazed, shouldn't be uncomfortable. I've seen this sort of thing with friends and it works well.

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/71102897

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/68692907

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/70815176

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/70475049

I'm in a different position (single parent, became disabled and reliant on an ill health pension and benefits). I have a mortgage (from before my disability) which I'm managing to pay (just). My youngest is just starting sixth-form next month. All 3 dc know that once the last one turns 18 I'm going to have to sell the home because I will loose the benefits that are just keeping me above water (and also I'm concerned re disability benefit cuts). I also feel very guilty because they had no choice but to become young carers and now I'll be forced to 'make them homeless '. Like you its not my fault we're in these situations but as a mother you feel responsible (your kids have learnt hard lessons already and now another they dont deserve to but they'll understand that this isn't your fault).
My Dc are lovely and accepting (but it doesn't make it any easier). I think my compromise is going to be a very small 2 bed bungalow (due to my disability and cant afford a 3 bed), and a sofa bed in the living room. Dc1 has just moved out, so I'll have two at home (who also want to stay at home for uni/one maybe long-term due to asd). I'll have to move areas, but hopefully stay in same town as dc1 can still support me and dc2/3 can get to uni. They will contribute financially but its then prolonging them leaving as they'll not be able to save.
I've come to the conclusion its not ideal, its not what I'd planned but it is our only option so we'll have to make the best of it.
Would dc move with you? Could they transfer /get new jobs? They may be able to move out if its a cheaper area. Dc1 has recently moved out (and it was doable due to being in a cheap northern town).

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/164177015

Do you want countryside OP? This is big enough for everyone and not far from London

And when they all move out taking their ‘contribution’ with them? Is OP stuck with a house that’s too big and unaffordable?
I don’t mean to upset anyone and I know that grief and the loss of a parent/husband can take many years but their father has been gone 3 years. They’ve not ‘just’ lost him. They are adults also and the OP
is (in my opinion) right to put her and her future needs first.

To be honest, I don't think it would be fair for you to buy a 2 bed house when you have 1 child that will definitely need their own bedroom (the one about to start uni will still come home in the holidays and after uni) and 2 others that will still visit and want to stay overnight occasionally even if they do leave home soon. Plus they aren't quite ready to leave home yet.

What you will need is still a 3 bed house (could also put a sofabed in the living room) but maybe in a cheaper area. Hackney is not cheap at all. I would look at areas around East London less central but still commutable into East London easily - this will be less of an upheaval for everyone.

Lots of people move from Hackney to Walthamstow, have you considered that? You can buy 3/4 bed houses there for 800k.

I just used
https://www.entitledto.co.uk/
to see if a 20 year old earning the minimum wage (£10 per hour) full time and paying £800 to rent a room would be entitled to any help. They wouldn't - or not on the information I entered anyway but you could have a look for yourself.

If your adult children choose to stay in London I would think they will be paying over £500 to rent a room so they might as well give you £500 each if they would rather stay at home. Whether that helps much depends if your mortgage is £1000 or £4000 each month.

I'm not suggesting that you don't buy something that suits you but maybe clinging on for 2-5 years would help your kids adjust. You could get a lodger if the child going to uni leaves a spare room and can charge up to £7500 each year with no tax under the rent a room scheme I believe.

You have said you have no ties to London and so if you are going to move I would move right away where you can get a nice house with rooms for the kids to visit or move in for £300-£400k. Then you can tell them that when they are ready to buy you have £100k for each of them as a deposit. I think that will encourage them to strive in their careers and earnings knowing when they have secure work they can buy. They might even choose to come with you or move away from London themselves by choice when they realise they can get their own property on minimum wage with that deposit. Obviously they will struggle to buy if they stay in London but you can't change reality for them.

Could you buy something like a 2-3 bedroom house with a living or dining room that can be used as a 3rd or 4th bedroom for a while?

Can two of the adult kids share a room?
I think this is a really tough decision for all of you and best discussed, explain your financial limitations and thoughts, emphasise that you don't want them to lose their family home but you need to all find a solution.

Barely afford to contribute? On £23.5k plus?!

I think you need to toughen up tbh.

The problem I’ve got, is that I see a house like that and I’m paralysed by indecision. How do I choose?

You work out the area - areas you like/need. For us that's been governed so far by catchments and commutes - but we also need shops/cash machine GP and chemists nearby. We like countryside walks and parks but walkable town center and bus/train routes.

If you are unsure - go to them and visit - walk round have a look - see what it feels like.

Once you have the area - you work out what you need in a house - now 4 bed fine if you want to keep guest rooms long term - so 4 bed and a garden - how many toilets - a kichen/dinner - or galley kitchen/sperate dinning room - open plan/vs lots of rooms with doors - is a drive needed? Perhaps if really long term - is a stair lift possible in future is downstair bathroom a good idea. Are you willing to do work on house - expand into loft ect or want everything done as much as possible.

So then you look at what in your price range within that area what you need in a house - what you want in a house - and see what your options are.

If you can't get a 4 bed in area you like - look at 3 and older kids can share till they move out.

If you want a 2 bed from the off - be upfront about that with them and give them a time frame to work to.

This is a huge decision, so you need to take baby steps. Could you book a weeekend away in airbnb somewhere by the coast eg. one of the places you mentioned that appeal to you? Bring 1 or all of your kids along with you and see how you all like the place. Breathe in the sea air, explore the area and see how it makes you feel. It may help to spend some time away from your usual surroundings to clarify some of your thoughts & feelings about the move. Good luck OP.

Airbnb-ing in different areas is such a good idea. Thank you, I think this solves my problem of finding an area without the upheaval of moving

This is a very isolated village, I wouldn't move there unless all parties can drive and have a car (I live in Colchester)

Could you stay put for a couple more years and then make your move? What is your financial situation? Could you rent out a room to make ends meet for a couple of years? Maybe a friend of your children's. You could get a decent amount of rent in Hackney.
It seems harsh to your children to move now. The ones earning just above minimum wage may not be able to even afford to rent in London if you leave.

Have you talked things through with your DCs? I think you need to work together on this one. All your concerns on both sides of the fence are very reasonable. I think ideally it would be best for all of you to come to a solution that you are all behind and you won't know what this is unless you discuss it.

How many bedrooms do you currently have? I would look into renting the whole house out or your children remaining and renting rooms out. You can then trial living in a different area in the cheapest rental possible before making a major decision.