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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS doesn't want to come home

216 replies

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 12:08

I feel awful arm, prepared to be flamed.

I have 4 DC B/G twin just turned 15, 11yo DS and a 5yo DD.

I've had a tough time with my 15yo DS, he's got into the wrong crowd and involved in petty crimes like shoplifting - usually energy drinks from the corner shop. Throwing bricks and was caught on a dash cam, drinking, school refusal. Hadn't been to school since May and school weren't that helpful but tbh his behaviour was terrible when he was there too. He's had sex with a girl in his year and then was quite horrible to her and if she got pregnant he wasn't going anywhere near “it”, thankfully she isn't pregnant it was just a possibility as he didn't use protection. He says misogynistic things toward DD and they used to be close but she hates being around him.

Dad not involved, he was financially abusive and emotionally toward me. I split with my youngest’s dad 2 years ago and he was my older childrens father figure, I think this affected him more than he lets on but ex still sees his twin and my 11yo, he just doesn't want to know.

The summer holidays started and it was a nightmare, he hit his twin, broke my 11yos lego tower (on purpose), they share a room but I've partitioned it so he had no need going near it. He just laughed as he cried and filmed him and said he's going to show his new classmates. Threw my 5yos doll over the fence, which leads to a railway track so couldn't get it back, it was a birthday present that she’d had about a week so she was obviously distraught. I couldn't afford to replace it as money is tight, he has no allowance. He was trouble outside the house too, police brought him home once due to him being antisocial in the middle id town. Stole a younger child's (neighbours child) scooter but swears blind it was his friends not him but the child has said it was him. You get the picture.

My dad owns a farm so I had had enough and sent him there, he's been there for about 3 weeks, celebrated his birthday there and home has been peaceful. My dad has said he's been moody and full of attitude but has helped a bit on the farm. He blames me for everything, said I have the problem not him, I'm useless etc. He's meant to come home Monday but he's refusing. Said he's not coming back, he hates me, his siblings and isn't going to school. I sent him away so why should he come back, he'll run away and stay with his mates if he's forced to come back.

What the hell do I do??

OP posts:
AlwaysFreezing · 22/08/2025 12:12

Leave him there? Enroll him in a local to the farm school? Maybe the wholesomeness of the farm life is exactly what he needs! All that fresh air and hard work?

Would your dad be up for it?

Michele09 · 22/08/2025 12:13

I'd let him stay where he is.

Needmorelego · 22/08/2025 12:13

If your dad is happy leave him there.

Haggisfish3 · 22/08/2025 12:15

I agree. Sometimes I think lads like this want to escape the lad culture they are in but can’t. You have given him an out.

pikkumyy77 · 22/08/2025 12:17

Leave him there? He is literally self destructing before your eyes at the moment. Any change that offers him space and time to collect himself and some experience of meaningful work (plus father figure grandfather) is going to be the better choice.

MounjaroMounjaro · 22/08/2025 12:17

Would your dad let him stay there?

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/08/2025 12:18

Leave him working on the farm

Radiowaawaa · 22/08/2025 12:18

Sounds like a win win for everyone.

MellowPinkDeer · 22/08/2025 12:18

Leave here there to help out on the farm and enroll him into an online school?

HollyhockDays · 22/08/2025 12:25

If your dad will have his on the farm let him stay there.

MounjaroMounjaro · 22/08/2025 12:26

When is he 16?

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 12:27

It's not possible for him to stay there permanently, we agreed it was only temporary for the summer.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 22/08/2025 12:29

Leave him there. Negotiate that he can stay and help on the farm IF and only IF he goes to school local to the farm.

It means he gets a complete reset of friends and, for some 15yos, they need to be more physically active that modern lifestyle allows.

ChompandaGrazia · 22/08/2025 12:29

Let him stay. Getting away from his friends might do him some good.

Coffeeishot · 22/08/2025 12:30

Leave him there if your dad is willing to have him for the foreseeable future it might be the making of him, although he might start having Fomo with his mates, but I see no reason to not let him stay, as a pp says a school near the farm.

Coffeeishot · 22/08/2025 12:30

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 12:27

It's not possible for him to stay there permanently, we agreed it was only temporary for the summer.

What is your dad's thoughts?

Firefly100 · 22/08/2025 12:33

If you dad is willing for him to stay, then that is an option to make it permanent.
If dad is not, offer him the choice. Tell him you really love him and want him back but if he is so unhappy that he would prefer to run away than return then you offer to phone social services and ask for him to go into care as that is the other option. This is because you are a responsible parent and need to ensure he is cared for. His choice.
And if he does choose to come home, you need to identify some severe consequences for the type of behaviour he has shown to date. His siblings do not deserve that treatment

DelilahMy · 22/08/2025 12:38

Your dad sounds like an excellent mentor. The fact that you son is helping on the farm and doesn't want to leave is positive and I would view that as a success.

If this were my son, I would reiterate that I love and miss him but that if he is truly happier at the farm, then you are happy, too. I would be sure to visit regularly.

As for school? It doesn't sound as though it's working for him. I would speak to his school obviously as I have no idea of the legalities or options for home education but think you need to change your mindset on all of this completely. Look at Kaleb Cooper. As a young teen he sold fresh farm eggs to pay his mother's bills rather than attend school. There is so much emphasis on educational achievement but it just isn't suitable or interesting to everyone.

Coffeeishot · 22/08/2025 12:40

I edited my last post i mentioned de registering him from school but deleted it, it might be worth looking into he might be able to home school or possibly college once he is 16.

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 12:45

He's not 16 til next summer but he'll only be starting year 10 this year due to deferring as he's August born. So he has 2 years left at school. It's not just up to my dad whether he stays, its up to other people working on the farm too and one of them has said they're not comfortable with him there so I don't think it'd work full time. My dad has suggested he go work on the farm during holidays (and during winter and cold weather he may rethink anyway) as a compromise.

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 22/08/2025 12:46

CuriousVital · 22/08/2025 12:27

It's not possible for him to stay there permanently, we agreed it was only temporary for the summer.

I would absolutely BEG my father to keep him there.
Is there no way it is at all possible? What are the reasons?

Anna467 · 22/08/2025 12:46

I think he desperately needs to stay with your dad tbh. He was abandoned by his father, now his step father has left, he is very upset and is taking all the loss he has had to deal with out on you and his siblings. I think if your dad now says he has to leave it's going to feel like another man who doesn't want him and that is going to further compound everything he is going through. Would he be able to combine working on the farm with starting a new course in college perhaps - maybe agriculture or something?

If your father has said a definite no then I think you've got a big problem on your hands tbh. It's gone way past a time when consequences and punishments are going to help, he's needs a plan for his future and what he might want to do. College courses, the forces, apprenticeships etc. If he's been helping out on the farm then maybe agricultural college might appeal - I'd be really working hard on getting him enthusiastic about his future and feeling like he is going somewhere.

He needs someone proactively fighting for his future after all the abandonment he has had to go through. People really seem to underestimate the impact abandonment and relationship break downs can have on some kids.

Coffeeishot · 22/08/2025 12:48

Yes the opportunity of work/staying in the holidays might be a compromise. You must be exhausted by it all, I know you love him but the house must be peaceful,

EuclidianGeometryFan · 22/08/2025 12:48

EuclidianGeometryFan · 22/08/2025 12:46

I would absolutely BEG my father to keep him there.
Is there no way it is at all possible? What are the reasons?

Cross post.

It's not just up to my dad whether he stays, its up to other people working on the farm too and one of them has said they're not comfortable with him there so I don't think it'd work full time.

Who owns the farm? Are these other people your dad's employees?

Coffeeishot · 22/08/2025 12:49

Is it your dads farm ?