DS doesn't want to come home

[CuriousVital]

I feel awful arm, prepared to be flamed.

I have 4 DC B/G twin just turned 15, 11yo DS and a 5yo DD.

I've had a tough time with my 15yo DS, he's got into the wrong crowd and involved in petty crimes like shoplifting - usually energy drinks from the corner shop. Throwing bricks and was caught on a dash cam, drinking, school refusal. Hadn't been to school since May and school weren't that helpful but tbh his behaviour was terrible when he was there too. He's had sex with a girl in his year and then was quite horrible to her and if she got pregnant he wasn't going anywhere near “it”, thankfully she isn't pregnant it was just a possibility as he didn't use protection. He says misogynistic things toward DD and they used to be close but she hates being around him.

Dad not involved, he was financially abusive and emotionally toward me. I split with my youngest’s dad 2 years ago and he was my older childrens father figure, I think this affected him more than he lets on but ex still sees his twin and my 11yo, he just doesn't want to know.

The summer holidays started and it was a nightmare, he hit his twin, broke my 11yos lego tower (on purpose), they share a room but I've partitioned it so he had no need going near it. He just laughed as he cried and filmed him and said he's going to show his new classmates. Threw my 5yos doll over the fence, which leads to a railway track so couldn't get it back, it was a birthday present that she’d had about a week so she was obviously distraught. I couldn't afford to replace it as money is tight, he has no allowance. He was trouble outside the house too, police brought him home once due to him being antisocial in the middle id town. Stole a younger child's (neighbours child) scooter but swears blind it was his friends not him but the child has said it was him. You get the picture.

My dad owns a farm so I had had enough and sent him there, he's been there for about 3 weeks, celebrated his birthday there and home has been peaceful. My dad has said he's been moody and full of attitude but has helped a bit on the farm. He blames me for everything, said I have the problem not him, I'm useless etc. He's meant to come home Monday but he's refusing. Said he's not coming back, he hates me, his siblings and isn't going to school. I sent him away so why should he come back, he'll run away and stay with his mates if he's forced to come back.

What the hell do I do??

It's OP's father (the boy's grandfather). The boy's father is not in the picture.

I think the farm has shown he needs a change in environment. I commented upthread that this is one of the instances where a specialist boarding school might be needed.

Yes. Everyone is different. And I would be afraid. Very afraid. With good reason and would want 3 hours between me and that boy

Put your other children's needs first.

He needs deradicalising re the misogyny. I'd check mentoring/social work programmes for boys influenced by A. Tate and his ilk.

No phone during work hours on the farm if he can't use it responsibly. Is the girlfriend the only (very valid!) reason he can't stay there?

Why is his dad seeing his twin but not him? That must hurt. I agree staying at the farm with your dad is a great idea but also please let him know that you love him, even though he is being an arsehole. His dad needs to step the fuck up with him though, I appreciate that is likely beyond your control. Counselling would be good, and maybe a change of school or online school.

Your poor Dad.

Leave him there if your DF wants him to stay. Keep lines of communication open, tell him you love him, he’s welcome home but if he returns he must be kind to his siblings and respectful to you all. You and your younger DC deserve to live in a safe, peaceful home. If he can’t respect that then he can’t return.

It’s his step dad and op has already said her son has stopped the interaction with him. He doesn’t want to see his step dad

I'm a single mum so cant afford a private school/boarding school, I work term time only. I think it’d be unfair to uproot my other children and move, DD is going into year 10, has friends and she already doesn't want to be near her brother so will definitely resent him. DS is starting secondary in a few weeks and youngest is going into year 1. School haven't organised anything for him, tbh their pastoral is very poor and I was actually going to send DS2 elsewhere but unfortunately he wasnt given a place and is on a wait list. He's not interested in football or sports or anything so can't join a club. He was in scouts but quit when he turned 14 as he lost interest and said it was pointless, he'd rather hang around with the older friends getting into god knows what.

My brother has tried to talk to him about the photo and the fact his girlfriend doesn't want to be near him but he doesn't care, he called her a liar and used his typical misogynistic line of all women lie due to my dad not finding a picture on his phone.

What's the solution then?

-You cant afford private/boarding school
-Your dad can't let him stay at the farm
-You don't want to move as it would uproot your other children

Only one of those is a preference. You need to get him away from his current environment urgently. If he comes back without any change or intervention (which he will since he can't stay with your dad), then your children's lives and studies will be disrupted and uprooted far more than if you had got him the intervention he needs.

Poor kid. He must feel like no one wants him.

Not his school.
Not his dad.
Not his step dad.
Not his mum.
Not his sisters.
Not his granddad.

And we wonder the root cause of his actions?

Would he be interested in joining the Young Farmers - ignore the silly news stories, it's a great movement and there's a lot to get involved in.

He needs to feel as though he belongs and as though he’s wanted. That’s what the ‘gang’ is giving him. Surely there’s a better way to meet this need.

Oh @CuriousVital i really feel for you and saddened that he’s throwing away what could have been a good opportunity. The misogyny amongst other things is worrying. Have you spoken with social services and explained your predicament. I wouldn’t soften it for them but be very open regarding your concerns for the welfare of your other children not just his. A previous poster mentioned PRU and I do wonder if it’s worth asking them about this option.

He’s getting the attention he’s clearly craving from your dad. If your dad is up for it then enrol hin in school there. I suggest you concentrate on parenting the other 3 so they don’t turn out the same. And don’t bring any other men into their lives.

I think only a drastic intervention will help. Unfortunately there are no family or state resources available for this.
I can only suggest OP you start keeping a diary to log all events and then contacting SS everytime there a new one.
State resources like CAHMS are so cash strapped that they tend to be reactive rather than proactive.
I pity any girl and young woman who crosses this boys path. Knowing he frightens / intimidates them will most likely be very exciting for him.
I'm so sorry OP that there is seemingly nowhere to turn for the help you need and deserve.
I think you need to start hounding the school daily/weekly for a plan. The local education authority has a duty to provide him with an education. It is a case of shouting repeatedly to get your voice heard I'm afraid. If he is not going, SS need to be involved.

It would be unfair to move my other DC away from their friends especially my eldest DD. My ex (youngest dad) sees DD1, DS2 and DD2 EOW even though only youngest is his biological child, he'd happily see DS1 too but he doesn't want to go and we can't force him against his will. He hasn't abandoned DS. I think seeing his bio dad would cause more issues because he isn't a nice man and hasn't seen him since he was about 3, DS2 was 2 months old and we actually moved and he doesn't know where we are and that's for the best

If it wasn't for his behaviour toward my brothers gf he likely would be able to stay although we never talked about it potentially becoming permanent so it would've had to be up to my dad anyway, we all agreed it would be temporary and DS was actually angry at first. But he can't be trusted and my dad can't constantly supervise him and run the farm, atm he's taking DS with him when he's doing his jobs but he can't do that all the time but he can't give him things to do and leave him to it as he proved he can't be trusted to stay where he needs to be and get on with it. He's also giving my dad loads of attitude now because he doesn't need a babysitter (his words) and seems angry toward my brothers gf for”ruining things”

Your troubled son is screaming for attention but the only way he gets it is by being 'bad'.

Somehow this loop needs to be broken.

He needs someone around who values him, praises him, shows him he has some worth.

There will be something he is Good at- some interest or hobby.
I suggest all the family he is in contact with tries to tap into that and engage with him.

Although you don't feel like it, he needs love, cuddles and praise.
Carry on like this and he will end up in prison eventually as he's already breaking the law.

It's really very very sad.

You can't expect him to change unless you- the adults- change.
This means ignoring some of the bad things and trying to show you care about him.

I've not read everything about your brother's girlfriend but suggest that sometimes some behaviour needs to be 'ignored' and everyone tries to move on in a more positive and constructive way.

Pushing him away is only going to make it worse. He'll end up in care if you can't find a way forwards.

You must be getting Early Help services as a family? What intervention have they suggested?

It’ll always be someone else’s fault. Your brother’s girlfriend etc etc. He’s too immature (emotionally) to accept there are consequences for his actions. I agree that you become a VERY squeaky wheel and annoy the hell out of education & social services. They will definitely suggest he stays at the farm so you need to be 100% clear that he’s a liability there and has proven he cannot be trusted. So sorry that this is so bloody hard!

He's also giving my dad loads of attitude now because he doesn't need a babysitter (his words)and seems angry toward my brothers gf for”ruining things”

He sounds a very difficult and insecure teen. What do you think would work? Would being calm but blunt work? (“No, DS you ruined it and because of your behaviour your Grandparent now has to babysit you, and you’ve consequently ruined your chances of staying on the farm permanently. Stop blaming other people for your own failings. Being a teen is hard. I love you and want to support you as much as I can, but your behaviour is making this very hard. Far from being cool amongst your mates, they’re laughing at you behind your back. You are more than this, DS.”

The acting up and the showing off and the trying to be big/cool/funny/nonchalant are all signs of gross insecurity IMO. If he would behave and your dad agreed, leaving him on the farm might help him a lot.

He may want to stay, but he can’t. It isn’t on OP’s father to permanently house him at the expense of his son’s girlfriend, and indeed his son. He’s sexually harassed her and is continuing in his hostility towards her. OP’s father is also running a farm, which means he can’t supervise the kid when close supervision is absolutely necessary. ‘Imploring’ him to keep him there, and suggesting that the boy running the streets will be his fault if he doesn’t, is deeply unfair. The man has tried to help, but ultimately this is not his responsibility.

why should your brother's girlfriend call the shots? Shes 20! Can't she stick up for herself with a 15 year old?

Maybe she IS lying because she doesn't want him on the farm.

I think you, as his mum, ought to override her and not allow her to dictate things and maybe tell lies.

The obvious answer is to lean on whatever authorities might help him. If he is school refusing then the school will get the council involved. If he is doing petty criminality then the police will get involved. Between the two of them you engage with all the help they put your forward for and muddle through. Do you think he’s taking any drugs? Does he get pocket money?

Get an Early Help Assessment ASAP.