To not remind my husband it's my birthday?

[DoneWithThisShizzle]

That's it exactly. It's my birthday in approximately 24 hours and I think he has forgotten. Hasn't asked what I want or snuck anything into the house. I've answered the door to the postie for the past two weeks and taken in nothing that he hasn't opened and shown me.

So as not to dripfeed, it's his mum's birthday the day after, it's a big one, so he's been organising a party for that (not that I think it's a good excuse to forget mine).

Do I remind him? Or not?

You missed it. OP updated that her DH messaged her asking what she wanted to do tomorrow for her birthday - he remembered. Yay !!

Glad i dont have all these problems anymore.

My last couple of partners took delight in causing an argument every Xmas , New Year and my birthdays.

Now i live on my own, no real family , nobody knows or cares when my birthdays is .
I had no decent big ones at all.

21st, i had to ask my mum for a cake…said i was too old .

30,40 , 50 and 60 , nothing , one card , no present's, only one from my cousin .
I am expecting my 70th to be the same .
I dont bother anymore .
Plus a few years ago one of my cats died on my birthday, which was dreadful to me .
Life goes on and some of go under the radar , no problem.

I didn’t say it had. This comment was in response to it being suggested by others.

Not worth it he wasn't a man you could talk too he was right and everyone else wrong its hard to explain what he said went and you couldn't have a discussion with him im glad my boys are nothing like him and house so much happier until pops playing the best dad not

.

I think he will remember. Especially if it's very close to his mothers. It would be impossible to remember one without the other. The present may not have been delivered and may not be an item but an experience etc . Let us know op !

Is there a name for this type of situation, where you allow someone to inadvertently hurt you, despite multiple opportunities to prevent it happening because of the increased short and long-term benefit you can extract from them because they are feeling contrite?

So it turns out does actually know its your birthday and has therefore robbed your of your "lifetime of ribbing" AKA weaponising it.

Ooh! That's lovely.

I would remind him. My dh and I have been together for 31 years and he still doesn't always remember the day, he does remember the month.
So what you could is book a table at your favourite restaurant and say "don't forget we're having dinner at ..restaurantof choice. tomorrow"

Depends what youre hoping to achieve. If its to be right that he forgot.. sure.

But if it will leave you leaving sad and forgotten id remind him now while he has time to fix it if he has forgotten

Because we're getting older and quite often that means your memory isn't as good as it once was.

And because we're not so insecure that we'd consider a simple heads up to be 'awful'.

And of course because during our 25 year marriage, we've never felt the need to play silly games.

Because forgetting something doesn't mean you can't be bothered.

Because there are many, many more important ways to show you care for someone.

OP, I hope you’re having a good one and enjoying yourself!! <3 (I know it’s not yet Thursday and your actual b-day yet, but sending all my birthday wishes!)

To give my own take on things, for pp and anyone else reading who may be in a similar situation/have experienced this before, I think it depends a lot on how YOU feel about your birthday and how much value YOU place on celebrating it.

For example, as a child my mother made my birthdays somehow all about her - as in, my cake was always HER favorite cake flavor, any ice cream was HER favorite ice cream flavor, she cooked HER favorite foods, and when I got older (teen years) she would “gift” me tickets to events, concerts, and musicals that SHE wanted to attend. Zero shits given if I hated the band/musical/event etc. If we went out to dinner, she refused to go to any restaurant I wanted to go to or try, it had to be one of HER favorites. It hurt a lot as a child and I didn’t understand why at the time, only that it seemed like all my friends got to eat their favorite foods and have their favorite cake type on their bdays, but on my bday it was always a German Chocolate cake (which I actually loathe, but is my mom’s fav) etc.

So when I got to adulthood, I didn’t want a huge massive bday bash (also I have always had very few friends) but I at least wanted to do something I enjoyed, go to an eatery I liked, and have a cake I liked (red velvet, for those wondering, lol!)

So bdays were fairly important to me to celebrate - or at least have acknowledged - by my boyfriend. Unfortunately he didn’t give much of a shit, and it didn’t help that his sister’s bday is two days after mine (mine is Feb 22, hers is Feb 24) so he would constantly be asking “uh is yours on the 22nd or the 24th?” …dude, your sister has been your sister for three decades and you and I have been dating for 20+ years, how tf do you not remember which is which? And also you have a smartphone, just… set a freaking calendar alert?! Sigh.

But to be (slightly) fair to him, he didn’t care much about birthdays himself and really didn’t care if we celebrated his or not. So I know that to him, birthdays were of “low value”. Of course, one should try to make an effort for one’s partner if THEY feel differently, in my opinion - something like remembering a bday and planning something is not difficult IMO, if you love the person.

Let’s just say that my boyfriend is now an ex-boyfriend after a 24-years-long relationship - it wasn’t JUST the bday thing, but it contributed to the ending of things.

I’m looking forward to next year - I’ll either hang out with my (one) IRL friend who is awesome, or perhaps finally visit some longtime online friends, or hell, I’ll just go to a bakery and buy and eat an entire red velvet cake by myself!! XD

my now exH never rememered my birthday, i used to remind him and he just didn't care. Called me a child for wanting any kind of recognition on my birthday.
Didn't receive a present for years.
got to the point i no longer celebrate, and aim for day to go as quickly and unnoticed as possible, even though we are not together years of wanting and the disappointment of not feeling special took its toll.

Thank you - this has just dropped stuff into place for me.

I would not be able to remind people it is my birthday - and I've just realised this is totes due to childhood conditioning, when fuss was not made of me, and any indication I was expecting fuss and attention was punished.

Which means of course that I am desperate for fuss and attention, though it's only been in the last few years with a new man that I've had it, or been able to accept it.

And 3 years ago I forgot his birthday until 12:05 am on the morning of it (when a friend who was equally night owlish posted on FB to him). I was mortified, and apologised profusely, and ran around to make sure he had a great day and presents.

But he wasn't fussed, and this post and other stuff in this thread has made me realise that that was genuine - because when I forgot he thought "MrsMcgarry is having a shit time atm because of her flaring chronic illness and being really busy at work and it just slipped her mind" whereas I would think "He forgot my birthday, it means he doesn't care about me at all and doesn't think I'm worthy of remembering"

After lots of therapy these examples of disorded emotions come up less offten, but are still there.

Anyway - I'm glad he remembered @DoneWithThisShizzle and I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow

This. Why are so many pps out to create drama and score points from their "loved one"? All the talk of laying traps, catching him out, buying him nothing for his birthday...Just talk like a couple and remind each other....

But it ain't an unusual situation..yet ...your birthday isn't until tomorrow. Right now it's just you...

My dh has forgotten about my birthday before, but he is an absolute nightmare for remembering dates so I didn’t take it personally, he ran off to the nearest shop the minute he realised and it’s been good banter ever since

Thank you for your concern but I'm not worried about our marriage at all.

You shouldn't have to remind him! Happy birthday btw!

@DoneWithThisShizzle I know others have said but Facebook definitely says "birthday tomorrow" next to your Facebook friends' names. (It's one of my friend's birthday tomorrow actually and I saw the reminder pop up at lunchtime today)

Thank you! This is absolutely, 100% the situation. He's remembered now so has just got himself off the hook, but I will be ribbing him for having me concerned! The daft numpty!

My goodness! What was I thinking? Nearly 20 years ago he forgot and I was over the moon!

😘 thank you

Oh this is so rubbish (I'd use a stronger word in real life). How wonderful that your boys don't take after him. Lots of love to you x