To not remind my husband it's my birthday?

[DoneWithThisShizzle]

That's it exactly. It's my birthday in approximately 24 hours and I think he has forgotten. Hasn't asked what I want or snuck anything into the house. I've answered the door to the postie for the past two weeks and taken in nothing that he hasn't opened and shown me.

So as not to dripfeed, it's his mum's birthday the day after, it's a big one, so he's been organising a party for that (not that I think it's a good excuse to forget mine).

Do I remind him? Or not?

Perfect post ❤️

My DH forgot our anniversary once, we were abroad on holiday. I took a card/present with me for him. He did know when we booked it that we would be away on our anniversary but somehow had forgotten.
On our anniversary after he received my gift he made a big show of trying to find a card in the shops (surprisingly difficult in a beach resort abroad) so he ended up buying and writing on a postcard. Bearing in mind I had to walk round the seaside stalls with him to find one.

The thing is he now tells this story as an amusing anecdote as ‘the best card wobbly has ever received, and how he searched ‘high and low’ for it - He genuinely thinks it was a wonderful idea, whereas I just feel a bit sad and letdown by it.

No you aren't, you're wondering if you should give him a gentle nudge or not. In your shoes I might be tempted to get the big bash out the way (assuming he's forgotten), then remind him in a non-confrontational way and plan something nice between the two of you.

He sounds like a nice guy who'll probably be mortified if he has forgotten and most likely it won't happen again. If it's part of a pattern of not making an effort for you that's something else.

Bet you're glad you asked, eh, OP? At least you're guaranteed a birthday to remember, if only for the batshit analysis of your relationship by total strangers that you got to read the morning before!

Reminding someone of a birthday is not excessive care or attention.

why not? on the Petty Thread we are talking about exactly this kind of thing. It is a short-sharp-shock type lesson for him.

And if he doesn't care? and you still care that he forgets: tell him in so many words. And if he still forgets? plan something nice for yourself that doesn't include him. Because he doesn't care but you do.

Happy Birthday!

This thread is wild. Like the level of aggro on all sides is surreal.

I forget important events sometimes - not because I don’t know my intimate partner’s birthday is dd/mm but because I have no idea that dd/mm is today.

I do find it immensely curious that it wouldn’t be mentioned at all in the run up. Like surely when you’re just discussing who is physically where for work days or commitments it crops up as “Oh, and that day is your birthday obviously, so we need to make sure we’re free for christening the new sex swing i put up”

@underthisredrock

Your perspective is really myopic. It's so strange that you can't extend your thinking to understand that while you perhaps don't care about having to remind someone about your birthday, some people actually do.

In the landscape of OP's relationship, it is their "established norm" that he remembers without prompting. When you then add in that he is already in birthday planning mode for his mum the next day, she is not "weird" or crazy to hope for him to remember.

You are painting this narrative that she is throwing a tantrum, trying to be a martyr, trying to trick him, trying to pick a fight, trying to compete with MIL (WTF?). She hasn't even done all that!

You have used really negative, (aggressive?), projective language and been so dismissive of the fact that people are different and this is important to OP. For some people birthdays mean a lot. There is nothing wrong with them if that is the case.

Eg
For some people handbags are a big deal - means nothing to me.
For some people fancy designer shoes are the dream - I can't wear heels and don't want to and don't go to places where they would be practical.

People are different.

For most people, it's not a really wild expectation to expect your life partner to remember your birthday.

@DoneWithThisShizzle - HAPPY BIRTHDAY in advance for tomorrow. I hope you have a lovely day! 💐

Oh, and happy birthday OP! 🎂

My ex was useless with remembering things for me, but really good with other people. He had a bit of an attitude of oh it’s only Teenytwo (hence why he is an ex). I always knew he would forget my birthday so a week or so in advance I would say do you think we should do something for my birthday next week or should I make plans with friends? He would always say friends but it was warning enough for him to get me a card and present - usually something he wanted like a clothes steamer. I mentioned how I always reminded him and he claimed to be a big romantic to his friends/family. One year I waited until 11pm the night before to mention it, he knew I was away the night after so would be out from 8am so couldn’t magic a card or present in time before I left. Did he admit that he was wrong? No! Did he try convince me that I’ve always lied and told him my birthday was 3 days later so it was my fault and not his? Yes!

@DoneWithThisShizzle I get you. Happy birthday tomorrow. On special occasions my husband and I, only buy token gift if that, but always a card, and usually a meal out decided on the day. About ten years ago, our anniversary fell on a Saturday so I had great hopes of a nice day. I bought a card, and I bought tons of things to make many tapa type things. I was going to surprise him with a sofa day, movie marathons, and snack type meals all day. His idea of bliss. Wake up to a phone call from our daughter, she has been called into work to prep the restaurant for 11 am opening (it is alot of work, fryers must be cleaned, steam table started plus much more) As I owned said restaurant, I had two choices, go do it myself, or babysit until around noon. No brainer. Babysit . Husband gets up, plays with grandmonsters, not a mention. I start getting prep work done on a chacutterie board for our lunch. He does not notice (open plan house, not hard to see me in kitchen from 12 feet away on the sofa! ) anyway, around 10:30 he says "momager, I have to head into town to meet one of the guys from work , his computer is screwed and he wants me to look at it. " Ahaha... he is going to get some flowers or maybe the book I have been hinting at for the last week. NOPE. Daughter duly comes and picks up the kids at noon. Goes home. half hour later, sends group message to her dad and me... OMG guys, I am so sorry, I would never have asked you to watch the kids today, I should have just taken them to restaurant and allowed them their tablets , I am sorry I ruined your anniversary " Not 30 seconds after that text, My husband called me and was mortified. He asked if I remembered, Yup you numpty, your card is here and did you not see me prepping lunch? You think the kids were wanting phyllo wrapped shrimp and crab ragoons, also when was the last time you saw me take a Saturday off the restaurant, our busiest day of the week? He got home very quickly , We still laugh, but not going to lie, in the moment, it stung.

I'll tell you tomorrow 😊

If you dont remind him, do aomething nice for yourself to make sure you enjoy your birthday and dont spend the day feeling miserable or forgotten. When DBIL forgot SILs, the following year she took the DC and let them choose a cake and some gifts for her the day before. It meant she had something that morning and didnt feel too sorry for herself- good for her, I thought.

Oh, that's a bit crap of him. The jokes and ribbing are yours!

It can be remedied by having an adult conversation about it, him apologising and then moving on to having a nice day/evening. Letting the hurt swallow the whole day is unnecessary.

By OP's own description he does not habitually forget or ignore birthdays, so 'these men' are irrelevant.

Everyone's an armchair therapist 🙄😂

I am so confused when your birthday is. 😂

Happy birthday anyway. It would be really shit if he forgets and I would be sad about that. My DH and I don’t make a big deal of our birthdays but that is a mutual arrangement. A card from the kids and a nice day is all we both need.

A special bday is irrelevant?! Wow, you must be a dream DIL

That's what the screws in the ceiling are for!!

Honestly i wouldn't remind i refuse to remind people about dates if they have mobile phones and (in my dads case) paper calenders because if it's important you will make a note of it I taught my teenage son this lesson a couple of years ago his dad forgot his younger brothers birthday ds blamed me for not reminding him I pointed out

We are divorced I'm not doing wife work for him anymore
He was there at his brothers birth
He registered his brothers birth
His birth date is LITERALLY TATTOOED on his father's arm
He is an adult and needs to grow up

He agreed and apologised

'A card from the kids', you say? That's always risky.

This was the point I was making too - we all know and remember when birthdays are, but they also end up in conversation ahead of time so really no opportunity to "forget" it.

Whenever these threads come up it always comes across like the birthday just never gets even the tiniest mention until the day itself - providing it gets remembered of course! 😜

Entertaining thread!

Wishing you a very happy birthday tomorrow OP!

I wouldn't remind him. I would expect him to take the lead and start talking about it in advance though, so if we got this close to my birthday and my DH hadn't said anything it's likely that he'd forgotten!

Remembering the birthday of people dear to us is a basic thing. My family is poor, nomadic and quite scattered, so we never see each other on our birthdays, and cards and gifts are things of the distant past, but we do message and phone. Well into adulthood, my mum and I once both forgot my brother's birthday. He never said a thing, but it was such an awful feeling, and for years afterward Mum and I would message one another a reminder about his birthday. My father didn't remember my birthday for decades. It used to really get me down. He was publicly teased about this once and he hasn't forgotten since, in fact he now even remembers my DH's birthday. But I can't shake the fact that my father simply didn't have my birthday on his radar for all of that time and it bugs me now that he contacts me only because of that embarrassing moment when he was teased over it - as if he's contacting me to assuage his own guilt, or out of a sense of duty, but we trundle along fine in the reality of all of this.

Did you not know when your mums birthday was? How could you forget?

So glad he's an ex. What a douche!