To pick my daughter up from holiday camp 150 odd miles away

[ShatnerssBasoon]

Please be kind as first time posting properly and first time any of my children have been away without family. DD is 12 and has gone away to children's summer camp for 7 days. Went on Sunday... there's no mobile phones but she's called on camp computer at allocated time to say she is having a bad time and wants to come home. She was in tears and says other girls are not being nice and there's not much to do. She's in a communal tent with other girls but not hanging out with her. She has one local friend who's there but it's snubbing her now they are there. It breaks my heart a bit to have her crying and wanting to come home. I want to go and get her... DH says it's nuts and she'll be fine. What should I do? I work in MH and he says my judgement is clouds by this

Yes, this. I had some rotten times at summer camp. One year I wet the bed (age 11, it wasn't something I'd ever do at home) and none of the other kids would talk to me, walk with me or eat with me after that. I spent the rest of the week in lonely silence.

Did it teach me resilience? I suppose so, if resilience is "put up and shut up, and cry about it in private later"

I think I'd go for the compromise solution. She hasn't been there long. I'd say stick it out until Wed and if no improvement collect on Thurs.

I agree with the halfway compromise idea - call the camp and talk to the counsellors and to speak with her again and then see if it sounds like an emergency or if it's worth trying to push through another couple of days.

I have a 12 year old daughter with anxiety so sometimes we just need to get through the first bit to find the fun part after. Of course you know your child best so if this is out of the norm for her that's different. My daughter unfortunately usually has a bad start to most new things before finding her way through - but she knows this about herself so can usually talk herself through it.

She's 12

I trusted the teachers to care for my children as they knew them and there were no issues.

Scouts and holiday camps don't know the children, it becomes survival of the fittest and knocks the confidence of the wobbly kids.

Oh good. Now all I have in my head is “hello muddah, hello faddah” 🤣

But with in an hour she could have a complete turn around. I remember when DD wa that age, life could be awful one minute and the next day shes moved on and im still worrying about her.

Will you all be rushing to pick your kids up if they phone homesick from university?
Or would you encourage them to give it a go?
In this case I'd phone the camp. Talk to me leaders, find out exactly what's happening and see if they can sort it out. What happens if you rush off now to pick her up and when you get there she's made a new friend and is enjoying herself?
Hell of a lot of driving for what might be no reason. Why not see if you can talk to her later in the week and if she's still hating it then pick her up early. Give her a chance first though m

She's been there one night, presumably as she only went Sunday. That's not giving it a go

And what the kids tell parents and what the leaders see can be very different

Even if you ask the kids "hey, your mum says you're not enjoying yourself. Want to tell me what's wrong so we can fix it?" They can look confused, tell you they're fine and then run off with the kids they supposedly aren't friends with

OPs DD is 12, not 7. She’s away for 7 days.

My feeling is that as long as she’s not scared or in danger, only bored or unhappy, she shouldn’t be collected at this age. 12 is a good age to learn how to resolve these situations without parental involvement - it builds their resilience. It also sounds like she needs to work on her ‘friend-making’ skills and engage with other kids rather than rely solely on the one friend and the ones in her dorm. Yes, it’ll feel like a daunting thing to do, but will help her when she goes to uni/college or starts a new job.

Love that song

Having been a similar situation (although this was an abroad school trip!) please go and get her if you can. (I was actually older too - 14/15ish

Yes, that’s the difference with school residential. They are with teachers they know well and trust, the teachers know them, they are with established friends who they have probably known for years and by year 6, have usually had sleepovers with at each others houses. A school residential is a completely different kettle of fish to a camp.

I would ask the staff to keep an eye on her, try and get her to make friends and get her in a day or two if things don't improve

This is exactly it. It’s not “damaging”, it’s building some resilience. What’s going to happen if she has bitchy coworkers?

I’ve been in this situation,
and my default has been to rescue
however that became a pattern that got worse
my DD would be wanting me to rescue her from school if she had fell out with a friend, and couldn’t tolerate staying put and getting on with things to the point of nearly derailing her whole education

however - in your situation with my experience / hindsight -
in would contact the camp leaders, see if they can resolve things on site, put her in a different tent, buddy her up with others,
if that can happen and things settle down, it will be a huge win for your DD’s resilience going forward,
if they can’t and she has to stay with bullies -
I’d be in the car, and on my way in full mummy to the rescue mode and have no qualms about that !!

I certainly wouldn't rush to get her. She's 12, that's a good age to learn a bit of resilience.

I would make contact with the adults again and try to guage from that how she's doing. If they don't fill me with confidence in their ability to sort it out and she's still upset tomorrow then yes, I might consider going to get her. But often children will have a wobble on the first day and then get on with it.

Pick her up

I'd go and get her. I was in a similar position at her age and I still wish that someone would have come and picked me up.

She went on Sunday and rang you when? Monday at some point? How many hours did she give it? Not very long and to say there isn't much to do can't be right because there are usually scheduled activities to keep them busy.

Personally I wouldn't immediately rush to collect her but it does depend on whether she usually toughs things out and tries to find positive things to do or flakes at the first discomfort.

This is not the same as some bitchy co workers. She's in a place where she's having to sleep/get dressed/shower which is much more vulnerable, constant and upsetting than some bitchy co workers

Totally agree with this point.

When my DCs went to uni we had an agreement that unless they were unwell, injured or in danger, they shouldn’t come home in the first 6 weeks. When I was at uni I saw so many drop outs from those who did rush home in those early weeks. Perhaps uni wasn’t for them or there were issues I wasn’t aware of, but in my limited experience, there seemed to be a pattern. Unfortunately my youngest had to come home for a family funeral after her first week and she said it was harder going back than it had been at the beginning. Even though she was only back home for 3 nights, she keenly felt out of the loop of newly forming friendships. However, the friendships she has made have lasted and she coped really well at uni.

Pick her up. It's supposed to be fun, if it isn't just get her.

If it was a school residential she'd have to stick it out as might get picked on at school but summer camp? No.

She could end up being a doctor or nurse, where she will need to change.

Vulnerability and discomfort are a part of life.

Speak to adults at the camp.