To pick my daughter up from holiday camp 150 odd miles away

[ShatnerssBasoon]

Please be kind as first time posting properly and first time any of my children have been away without family. DD is 12 and has gone away to children's summer camp for 7 days. Went on Sunday... there's no mobile phones but she's called on camp computer at allocated time to say she is having a bad time and wants to come home. She was in tears and says other girls are not being nice and there's not much to do. She's in a communal tent with other girls but not hanging out with her. She has one local friend who's there but it's snubbing her now they are there. It breaks my heart a bit to have her crying and wanting to come home. I want to go and get her... DH says it's nuts and she'll be fine. What should I do? I work in MH and he says my judgement is clouds by this

This 100%

Go and get her!

Not quite the same

She'll be older and have chosen the friends

This is supposed to be fun...

Speak to the leaders and tell them you're coming

I went to summer camp - I joined the years 6’s as there were spaces and I was picked to go out of 60 year 5’s.

I knew - absolutely - that my mother wouldn’t ’come get me’ if there were issues, so i would never have asked.

I had a great time, I didn’t know the year 6’s I didn’t have friends in the year group - but we all got along fine.

I would pick my child up from mars if they weren’t happy. Go get them.

Speak to the adults in charge.

I would and have done this. My daughter was so distraught there was no way I was leaving her there. It was a key moment to be honest, I’ve always told my children I have their back, I will always support them and be there for them. This proved the point. Especially as I had to deal with a particularly verbally aggressive member of the staff who most parents back down to. The staff also learned that day that I take no crap and will always battle for my kids.

I run residentials, but it is with a group that knows the leaders well. The trips tend to be about 3 days and the longest we did was 5.

Homesickness is common and tends to come on at night when children are tired. Heck, I've had it as an adult on the other side of the world after a couple of weeks, when patience had been exhausted with a somewhat "trying" travelling companion and period pains came and finished me off, and the time difference didn't work for phonecalls to DH. 24 hours later I was fine again and ready for the next 10 days.

In this case try and get hold of the leaders and get them to talk to her.

It may well be that having expected to go with friends, it's a disappointment that they've dropped out and it is hard to slot socially with other clusters.

If it is deeper than settling in issues (and getting into the routine of the set-up helps a lot) then have a plan to pick up in a couple of days. It's not an immediate exit, but it eases that pressure of a full week and she'll have a better chance of finding some positives.

You are still being trusted and listening to her, not dismissing her, but patience is a compromise.

Ploughing in for an immediate rescue is a safeguarding issue. There may be issues with unplanned access to the site, and it will affect leader supervision issues while the matter is dealt with. She may well not be instantly avaliable anyway, so liason with staff is essential whatever the outcome.

She's not much younger than DoEers who find themselves in the wrong field squabbling about it while limping around with blisters. I found that a valuable experience in learning that sometimes you do have to get your head in gear and plod on out of the situation; and often in hindsight it wasn't as bad as it felt in the thick of it.

We have a parent who comes and parks in the car park at recess and lunch so that the 15/16 yr old child can have lunch with them… they also are first in line for the pick up line, often arriving at 2:15 for a 3:30 finish!

Another one here who's very surprised at "not much to do"
I've helped out on many such trips and usually they're rammed all day, so I'm wondering if she's just got herself into a state because she can't sit on her phone?

Otherwise I agree that parents swooping in at every verse end can be counterproductive - especially when IME most settle down after a couple of days - so discussing it thoroughly with the staff before removing her seems wise

Agreed 💯. I was the same. Made to push through & put up with bad situations, including going to school with migraines.

All it taught me was to 'put up with it' 'push through and don't rock the boat' (just let people treat you badly), rather than change the situation, because I was worth more.

If it was my DD I'd have picked her up.

One of ours went on a trip with guides and much of it did involve sitting in the tent.

I think outward bound courses are more interesting but if it's something like guides then collecting twigs and washing up seems about it activity wise.

I would go and get my child. My own DD went on a trip about the same age and had called asking to be picked up, I told her to give it the night and if she still wanted to come home I’d drive up the next day. She didn’t call.
I figured she’d settled so was horrified 2 days later when I met her off the bus and she just cried and cried. She absolutely hated the trip and was completely miserable. The photographs that she has are quite entertaining now that we have some distance but I felt terrible for her. It didn’t help her resilience or help her cope in difficult situations, quite the opposite I think it really dented her confidence.

Give her another week? She is only there 7 days..........

I would have gone and got mine at this age but I'm not sure if it would have been the right thing to do.

I would have done it though.

Thanks very much to everyone again for all of the replies. The thread is working like my mind in some ways! On the one hand some people are saying about hearing her and validating her distress. On the other there is the sense of giving her some time to deal with things. I think my plan would be to speak to her this evening and see how things are going. I have spoken to the leaders and if you look at the Material it's clear that there's lots of activities so I am assuming that she is just not joining in as she is upset. I have emailed them and asked them very gently to just keep an eye on her and make sure she is okay and encouraged to join in with what's going on. If she is still distressed this evening I will make a plan to go down and pick her up Thurs ( This is practically the day I can take off work). That is a bit mad in some ways as she would come home on Sunday morning but I am hopeful that a couple of days of activities and joining in may change her mind. - If not then I am hearing her and responding..

That's surprising

When we take our Guides away there is plenty going on. Crafts, treasure hunts, on site activities like climbing or archery or kayaking, wide games, cards and sports equipment to play with in down time, cooking, creating "skits", campfires...

She has! Maybe read the OP posts

You must be distressed by the situation as you have referred to another child as ' it '

now whether this was to keep the child anon so you didn't say she or he but it ?! really is a bit much.

' She has one local friend who's there but it's snubbing her now they are there.'

I'd speak to the leaders first to see if they are aware that your DD isn't happy, ie, if they have seen her on her own etc. And also if they seem 'on the ball' or a bit wishy washy.
Id possibly say give it one more day and I'll come and pick you up tonight before bedtome (as being in the tent seem to be the issue).
This is why when my DC were in primary, phones etc weren't allowed on the year 6 residential - children weren't allowed to call home as it made them more homesick to speak to their parents. The staff were very tuned in to this and both my DCs had a good time, but did say they got a bit homesick but the teachers helped - they wrote to us and we were encourage to write to them (was only 4 nights - post was better 10+ years ago).

Having read something similar on here before my residentials this year, I was mightily relieved not to encounter such insanity! We had a parent last year who stayed nearby, her child has a genuine medical issue and she had an episode so mum collected her in the middle of the night.

Two of my 100+ children went home from a residential this year. I spoke to parents at length, put the children on the phone, then left it up to the parents. It was about a 90 minute drive. Both came to collect and spoke to me, I told them I thought it was the right thing to do, both (Year 7) were very upset/not coping. Teaching resilience/independence is fine, but not to the point of the child becoming hysterical.

Ultimately young children dont need to stay in unhappy situations away from home. Not everything needs to be a building or learning exercise.

Autocorrected from 'is', surely??

i.e. "She has one local friend who's there but is snubbing her now they are there"

^ this

It sounds she is unhappy, but not in danger, so the posts like "I'd be on the road" are very OTT.

"Not included with the other girls" and "Not much to do" - that's something the camp leaders definitely want to hear about and should be able to help with, they just need a chance to do it.

Let the leaders know that it is her first time away from the family. They might not guess it at 12 yo and it is a useful information - it might mean things aren't bad, just the child is overwhelmed and a bit lost, which sometimes can be improved in a matter of hours.

In our summer camp we would give the child a cool young leader (opposite to myself being too far in the "teacher" age) as a buddy - to walk them through the camp and organisation again, discus their plans (we offer a choice of activities), introduce them to a few more people, and regularly checking in (every meal time or so until things settle). We would provide the parent some points - mainly what the child seemed to enjoy, or any perceived or real issues we can see, so they can use them in their next phone call.

That said, "the girl I know from home has her own life and friends there" is one of the situations which sometimes can't be cured. If the child has zero interest in activities or meeting other people and fixates on the perceived unfairness of someone they know having their own life, we can't solve it, we can encourage and show options but we just can't play therapists, that would cross too many lines.

Edit to say - I read the last update now, that sounds great. Fingers crossed it works out well.