To pick my daughter up from holiday camp 150 odd miles away

[ShatnerssBasoon]

Please be kind as first time posting properly and first time any of my children have been away without family. DD is 12 and has gone away to children's summer camp for 7 days. Went on Sunday... there's no mobile phones but she's called on camp computer at allocated time to say she is having a bad time and wants to come home. She was in tears and says other girls are not being nice and there's not much to do. She's in a communal tent with other girls but not hanging out with her. She has one local friend who's there but it's snubbing her now they are there. It breaks my heart a bit to have her crying and wanting to come home. I want to go and get her... DH says it's nuts and she'll be fine. What should I do? I work in MH and he says my judgement is clouds by this

She’s learning emotional resilience.
if you drop everything and go and fetch her, you are teaching her that it’s ok to give up when things are hard.

please please don’t do that to her.

my kids now look back on camps as the highlights of their childhoods, but I often had difficult conversations (normally before) about them going.

overally “protecting” your child now sets them up for failure in the future.

She is 13 not 19.

The op has spoken to the adults who haven't helped.

It'd supposed to be fun, it's a week holiday and if she isn't enjoying it she should be allowed to leave.

I had a similar situation when I was young. My parents did come to get me and over 15 years later I’m still grateful for their support.

Keep in mind there’s an option to go and see her and work out a plan with her and the camp leaders.

(and whatever you do, dont turn up without talking to them first and saying you’re coming).

I agree with this.

From my point of view, it builds trust.

i have children of all ages, two are adults. Yeah, they have had issues at work and at uni. They call me to talk about it, because they know they can. I will talk it though with them, bitch about whoever has been an arsehole with them, it makes them feel better and then they carry on. They haven’t needed rescuing, but all my children know they can come home, no questions asked, any time, any age, I’m here.

My parents? God, I could never. It would have been my fault, I wasn’t trying hard enough, I should be more resilient (that was their buzzword), I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I stuck out an abusive relationship due to that.

I’m glad my adult kids can call me after a tough week, have a moan, have a laugh about it, feel better and carry on. That was built when they were younger and me saying “if you don’t like it, I’m there, I’ll come and take you home.” My children are too independent to be honest, they are both off doing amazing things, thousands of miles away! Knowing I would come get them if they needed me didn’t ruin them, it gave them confidence.

I know so many people will disagree, but knowing that I would come and get them when they were younger, from situations they were unhappy with is what built thier confidence.

A holiday paid for by someone else.

What’s she going to do when she’s 18, goes on a girls trip to celebrate the end of A-Levels and everyone falls out? Call her mum to fly abroad to come and pick her up?

Could you afford to stay over in a hotel nearby so she goes for the day stuff but stays the night with you ? That gives her the potential to work through things but she isn't in the thick of it.

My parents refused to come and get me at age 12, and I’m still fine.

I know that when I genuinely need them (like when I got the flu at uni), they will be there. I also know that I am able to work through things myself, because they gave me that resilience.

Well at 18 she has her own autonomy and can make the choice to fly home if she wants to. At the moment she's a kid and needs an adult to make the choice to help her do that.

She also needs her mum to teach her some resilience.

I'd go get mine. She wouldn't request pick up unless she was thoroughly miserable.

It's a holiday it should be enjoyable. It isn't.

She's 13 plenty of time to learn in life we have to stick at things that are shit but not a holiday.

Oh, added - I just saw she is 12 not 7. OK. Friendships at that age can be brutal and will have a greater bearing on everything, even if the external activities are great.

Still thinking about this!

I didn't have the sort of relationship with my parents where I'd have told them if I was in trouble or needed help. Which lead to a whole series of terrible situations as an older teenager. I'm hoping to create something better with my own daughter so I've always told her to call me, to tell me, to come to me and we will figure it out. Obviously complicated by the fact that she has anxiety so sometimes she calls me or tells me something and we figure out that it's her brain giving her bad information - but also sometimes I find out she's being bullied or someone made her uncomfortable or that I need to help her with maths homework or whatever.

I think - for some children - shutting down the option to ask for support can lead to worse decisions being made in the future. If you're constantly told you need to be strong or keep quiet or figure it out or put up with it... that 'can' lead to resilience and strength but it can also lead to passivity and peer pressure and terrible decision making as you stop trusting yourself. Until this child has autonomy over her own decisions it's the parent's job to help.

So what if it's paid for by her parents, this is the norm at 13.

She's 13 she wants to come home, it's fine. Some harsh parents on here determined to make young teens stick at their awful holiday .

I would wait a day or 2 and see then how she feels. Things can change in a day. And those saying what are you going to do when she is at uni or the work place. She isnt 18 she is 12 and just navigating life these things come as you mature.but let her know you listened and took her seriously

That’s why I said people will disagree. We are all different.

But man, I hate the word “resilience.” It so often used as a get out for putting up with shit you don’t need to, because you think you have to.

Oh how difficult. If it was two weeks I would have definitely gone, but seven days I probably wouldn’t. I have had to deal with all sorts of experiences in my life including holiday camp situations for a similar time period and it’s often in those situations that you find some hidden strength to push through. So no I wouldn’t go and get her but yea I would communicate with her frequently and make sure that when she got back you had planned something really fantastic to ease the experience for her. Maybe a fab day out to somewhere she always wanted to go or a sleepover with actual mates including everything and extras to make it a brilliant time.

I would get her without a second thought

Exactly what I was thinking!

If she asked to go home then I would go get her.
If she gets home and regrets it then she knows for in the future to give it more time.
If she gets home and is happy to be away from the other children she is not getting along with . Then she will know you will always do as she asks in those situations.
Either way she will atleast know she can rely on you .

Encourage her to be friendly with others from other tents and say you’ll review things later

i would go and collect my child yes. But I’d maybe say try one more day first and if they still felt the same I would absolutely go and get them.

26 years ago I was in the same situation and called my mum to come and get me. I was absolutely miserable at the camp and my ‘friend’ was being a class A arsehole, my mum came and got me and we got a wimpy on the way home. It’s never made me give up anything or made me less confident etc etc. but it did solidify the bond with my mum and i always knew she would help me if I needed it.

Please go and get her now. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks - she needs you to remove her and you need to do it. How you deal with this is very likely to have either a positive or a negative effect on her coming to you with bigger issues when she is older.