Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick my daughter up from holiday camp 150 odd miles away

257 replies

ShatnerssBasoon · 05/08/2025 07:49

Please be kind as first time posting properly and first time any of my children have been away without family. DD is 12 and has gone away to children's summer camp for 7 days. Went on Sunday... there's no mobile phones but she's called on camp computer at allocated time to say she is having a bad time and wants to come home. She was in tears and says other girls are not being nice and there's not much to do. She's in a communal tent with other girls but not hanging out with her. She has one local friend who's there but it's snubbing her now they are there. It breaks my heart a bit to have her crying and wanting to come home. I want to go and get her... DH says it's nuts and she'll be fine. What should I do? I work in MH and he says my judgement is clouds by this

OP posts:
JMSA · 05/08/2025 08:11

Those of you who’d pick up in a heartbeat, would you be so quick to do it if it was a school residential?

Zanatdy · 05/08/2025 08:12

I’d go and get her yes. Not sure what’s to be gained from making her stay.

CheekyAquaPeer · 05/08/2025 08:12

Interesting that "qualified" for a man is called "clouded judgement" for a woman. Yanbu, I was in a similar situation and let DH talk me into not bringing her home was the beginning of a very bad, very long, mental health situation for dd. Will literally always regret it.

CheekyAquaPeer · 05/08/2025 08:12

JMSA · 05/08/2025 08:11

Those of you who’d pick up in a heartbeat, would you be so quick to do it if it was a school residential?

Yes

TeenLifeMum · 05/08/2025 08:16

JMSA · 05/08/2025 08:11

Those of you who’d pick up in a heartbeat, would you be so quick to do it if it was a school residential?

They probably would. This is why so many young people don’t have coping skills - they don’t have to cope because mum will swoop in and save the day!

Over the phone I would have given some guidance on managing the situation, I’d be calling the camp team to ensure they knew dd was struggling and I’d expect dd to give it a couple more days to see if she can turn it around. “Nothing to do” could just mean she doesn’t have a phone and can’t think what else to do. Ime friendships change throughout camp week and one group suddenly invites dd in and she’ll feel accepted and love it. First couple of days are fighting for position but that calms down.

CheekyAquaPeer · 05/08/2025 08:18

TeenLifeMum · 05/08/2025 08:16

They probably would. This is why so many young people don’t have coping skills - they don’t have to cope because mum will swoop in and save the day!

Over the phone I would have given some guidance on managing the situation, I’d be calling the camp team to ensure they knew dd was struggling and I’d expect dd to give it a couple more days to see if she can turn it around. “Nothing to do” could just mean she doesn’t have a phone and can’t think what else to do. Ime friendships change throughout camp week and one group suddenly invites dd in and she’ll feel accepted and love it. First couple of days are fighting for position but that calms down.

Show quote history

If that makes you feel better like a better parent. Or you could see my post just before yours.

Mark45 · 05/08/2025 08:19

There is nothing like asking. She is your daughter and definately you must be there ASAP. She needs you and if you never approached, she will never forgive you for this (according to my opinion).

Younginside · 05/08/2025 08:19

I'd go in person to assess the situation after contacting the camp staff, and expect to bring her home unless it's a question of temporary homesickness. It's more complicated for your daughter if this is a regular group/school trip, but it sounds like she'll not have to deal with these other kids again, except for the local friend. The staff need to use this as a learning point and be much more vigilant to nip potential bullying in the bud.

ScaryM0nster · 05/08/2025 08:21

Contact the camp organisers and have a chat, and come up with a plan.

There’s a balance between not being abandoned, and learning some resilience and sticking power.

It’s pretty common for tye upset to only come up when in contact with the outside world and actually having a good time the rest of the time.

crumblingschools · 05/08/2025 08:25

I would talk to adult in charge first. DD might have been having a wobble and everything seemed awful at that time, or she might be hating it all the time.

Newbutoldfather · 05/08/2025 08:28

I think someone has said this already but ask her to put up with 24 more hours and, after that, get her if she still wants you to.

At the same time, talk to whomever is in charge and discuss the situation with them.

(All assuming that it is a reputable camp with a good reputation. I think some camps can be horrific).

elastamum · 05/08/2025 08:29

I ask would go and see what is going on and collect her if she wants to leave. I have picked my kids up or even flown them home when they asked me to. They have grown up into perfectly capable adults, and I think that part of their confidence as teens came from knowing 100% that wherever they were in the world, if they asked for help they would get it. Presumably her week at camp is supposed to be fun not a trial.

LillyPJ · 05/08/2025 08:29

She'll be fine. Give it time, otherwise she'll never persevere and learn how to be independent.

LillyPJ · 05/08/2025 08:32

JMSA · 05/08/2025 08:11

Those of you who’d pick up in a heartbeat, would you be so quick to do it if it was a school residential?

It seems that nowadays, unfortunately, many would. Children need to develop independence and resilience and they won't if a parent rescues them every time they have a wobble.

Parkerpenny · 05/08/2025 08:32

I'd fetch her so she knows she can always have options if she feels unsafe and doesn't just feel she needs to suck it up. Girls are so often taught to persevere through abusive situations.

Ilovelurchers · 05/08/2025 08:33

Those of you who would immediately collect your children as soon as they said they found the situation difficult - you do realise the damage you are doing them, by teaching them to immediately give up as soon as they face challenges, and that any negative emotions they have are an emergency and a disaster that must immediately be fled from?

It seems a somewhat selfish, cruel and lazy approach to parenting, rather than taking the (admittedly more challenging) route of supporting them to actually overcome their problems, rather than running from them..

OP, unless you think your daughter is at risk of harming herself or others, please don't rush to collect her immediately - you would be totally undermining her resilience if you do so.

Look at the reasons she has given for her unhappiness - that others aren't hanging out with her, and there isn't much to do - it's hardly an emergency situation, is it?.Honestly, if you teach her that it's not possible for her to sit with these emotions, you will do her untold damage kn the future.

Do speak to the adults running the camp, as it may be that they can put things in place to support her. And above all, help her to get this in perspective. She's feeling a bit bored and a bit left out - she's strong enough to cope with that, if you remind her that she is!

Ilovelurchers · 05/08/2025 08:33

Those of you who would immediately collect your children as soon as they said they found the situation difficult - you do realise the damage you are doing them, by teaching them to immediately give up as soon as they face challenges, and that any negative emotions they have are an emergency and a disaster that must immediately be fled from?

It seems a somewhat selfish, cruel and lazy approach to parenting, rather than taking the (admittedly more challenging) route of supporting them to actually overcome their problems, rather than running from them..

OP, unless you think your daughter is at risk of harming herself or others, please don't rush to collect her immediately - you would be totally undermining her resilience if you do so.

Look at the reasons she has given for her unhappiness - that others aren't hanging out with her, and there isn't much to do - it's hardly an emergency situation, is it?.Honestly, if you teach her that it's not possible for her to sit with these emotions, you will do her untold damage kn the future.

Do speak to the adults running the camp, as it may be that they can put things in place to support her. And above all, help her to get this in perspective. She's feeling a bit bored and a bit left out - she's strong enough to cope with that, if you remind her that she is!

Mydogisatool · 05/08/2025 08:33

I’d go and get her. I know there are some people who talk about learning resilience, but life is short. If she’s not enjoying it, there’s no point. It’s okay to say you are having a shit time and leave, that’s just as important a life lesson than learning to stick things out, more, infact, people put up with so much needless shit that they don’t need to for the sake of nothing.

I’d go and get her if she was mine, tell her not to worry about it anymore.

mamagogo1 · 05/08/2025 08:33

Talk to the leaders first because they can be quite different when speaking to you than when not, also give it another 24 hours or so, it’s been one night and she’s not used to this. In all honesty, I would not pick her up if it were me unless a camp leader indicated it was necessary, learning to get along with new people is a great thing to develop

thepariscrimefiles · 05/08/2025 08:33

JMSA · 05/08/2025 08:11

Those of you who’d pick up in a heartbeat, would you be so quick to do it if it was a school residential?

I would assume that a school residential is part of the curriculum. This camp is during the school holidays and, I assume, is supposed to be enjoyable and fun. If OP's child is being ostracised and picked on to the point that she is in tears, why wouldn't OP go and pick her up? It's supposed to be a holiday not an endurance test.

FairyBatman · 05/08/2025 08:34

It’s a balance between developing resilience and supporting her. This is a great opportunity for her to sit with something uncomfortable and learn that she can get through it, so I wouldn’t rush to collect immediately, but she does need to know you have heard her and support her.

Petalymetal · 05/08/2025 08:35

I'd get her.

Picklechicken · 05/08/2025 08:36

I would already be on my way. What’s the point of making her suffer?

TeenLifeMum · 05/08/2025 08:36

CheekyAquaPeer · 05/08/2025 08:18

If that makes you feel better like a better parent. Or you could see my post just before yours.

Show quote history

You posted while I was writing 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’m genuinely surprised at all the knee jerk go get her comments. She arrived Sunday and I’m assuming her allocated time to call wasn’t in the early hours so called Monday. That’s no time at all to have been there. I’d want her to give it a couple more days and like I said, I’d call the adults in charge to see if we could support her to turn it around. I’m not saying “toughen it out child”, but parenting is about supporting your child to cope in tricky/unfamiliar situations.

Mydogisatool · 05/08/2025 08:37

Ilovelurchers · 05/08/2025 08:33

Those of you who would immediately collect your children as soon as they said they found the situation difficult - you do realise the damage you are doing them, by teaching them to immediately give up as soon as they face challenges, and that any negative emotions they have are an emergency and a disaster that must immediately be fled from?

It seems a somewhat selfish, cruel and lazy approach to parenting, rather than taking the (admittedly more challenging) route of supporting them to actually overcome their problems, rather than running from them..

OP, unless you think your daughter is at risk of harming herself or others, please don't rush to collect her immediately - you would be totally undermining her resilience if you do so.

Look at the reasons she has given for her unhappiness - that others aren't hanging out with her, and there isn't much to do - it's hardly an emergency situation, is it?.Honestly, if you teach her that it's not possible for her to sit with these emotions, you will do her untold damage kn the future.

Do speak to the adults running the camp, as it may be that they can put things in place to support her. And above all, help her to get this in perspective. She's feeling a bit bored and a bit left out - she's strong enough to cope with that, if you remind her that she is!

I disagree.

I was made to put up with things. To stick things out, to learn to get through it, to persevere.

All it did was teach me to put up with shitty situations that I wasn’t happy with. It took me until my 40s to realise you don’t have to do that, and that actually, it’s okay to think “fuck this, I’ve changed my mind, I don’t like this situation” and leave.