Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick my daughter up from holiday camp 150 odd miles away

257 replies

ShatnerssBasoon · 05/08/2025 07:49

Please be kind as first time posting properly and first time any of my children have been away without family. DD is 12 and has gone away to children's summer camp for 7 days. Went on Sunday... there's no mobile phones but she's called on camp computer at allocated time to say she is having a bad time and wants to come home. She was in tears and says other girls are not being nice and there's not much to do. She's in a communal tent with other girls but not hanging out with her. She has one local friend who's there but it's snubbing her now they are there. It breaks my heart a bit to have her crying and wanting to come home. I want to go and get her... DH says it's nuts and she'll be fine. What should I do? I work in MH and he says my judgement is clouds by this

OP posts:
zingally · 05/08/2025 15:19

I think you've made the right call asking her to stick it until Thursday when you're free from work.
You might find that he knowing she's only got 2 more sleeps there might help her rally.
After all, she's 12, and yes that's young still, but she's by no means a baby or a very young child. She's in secondary school. Okay, so she's not enjoying it very much, but she's not in any danger. You hear what she's saying, and will come to get her early. But I think doing as you have done, and not immediately leaping into the car is the right thing to do.

Robinredd · 05/08/2025 15:19

There are different ways to teach a child 'coping skills' and leaving your 12 year old to 'cope' when they've cried to you asking for your help isn't one of them. it's setting them up for mental health issues and my children's well being will come before any so called coping lessons.

You can dress it up whatever way you like but I say not going to get them is absolutely shit parenting.

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/08/2025 15:26

justasking111 · 05/08/2025 14:59

Son at the end of his A levels did six weeks camp America as a junior. Was on the USA Canadian border. Parents would leave children of this age for up to three weeks.

These pallid nervous kids would arrive rattling with ritalin. Those in charge would take all the prescriptions and lock them away safely to be administered as required.

The days would start early. It was breakfast, say canoeing all morning, packed lunch, then afternoon activities, also full on. Back to camp, BBQ, smores, camp stories, they were curled up asleep by 8.30 pm absolutely knackered.

He said that the kids didn't take the ritalin, they just didn't want or need it. They went home, brown, happy and full of stories of adventures.

Reminds me of an old song. Hello mother, hello father. Probably on YouTube.

They confiscated prescribed medication? That's appalling, I have mixed feeling about the question in the OP but the staff at a summer camp have no right to decide whether children get to take their medication.

HarpieDuJour · 05/08/2025 15:43

Resilience is a great thing, but it is easy to accidentally teach the wrong lesson. When I was sent to boarding school at 11, I was expected to manage all aspects of my life by myself. I asked my parents for help about some of the worst aspects of a fairly miserable experience, but over the 5 years I was there, I never once got any actual help or even emotional support. It had always suited my parents to cast me as "the independent one" because it meant that they only needed to deal with me when I had to be punished.

My parents would say that it taught be to be independent. Actually, it taught me that there was no point in asking for help, because nobody cared.

OP, I think you have hit the right balance. Rushing over to take her home at the first sign of a problem wouldn't have really helped her, but allowing her to make the decision to leave early once she has given it a good try is fair.

NikNak321 · 05/08/2025 16:07

FloraBotticelli · 05/08/2025 07:51

I would have a chat with the adults at the camp first. If you work in mental health you should know that it’s not bad for kids to feel difficult feelings. It’s bad for them to be left alone with those feelings. She’s not alone - you’ve listened to her and will comfort her when she gets home.

This ☝️☝️☝️. Part of growing up is learning to navigate difficult social situations and manage upset. This could be a growth opportunity. It could be dealt with by talking it over and with camp staff? If it's really awful I would possibly step in, but encourage my child to lean into difficulties, try and deal with and encourage some personal resilience first 👌👌

EdithBond · 05/08/2025 16:07

Have you asked the camp leaders what they recommend? They have a duty if care to her. What’s their view? Leaders would surely be best placed to see how she is throughout the day. She may’ve been emotional when talking to you as a way to let the stress out. If she seems very unhappy, the leaders would surely recommend she should leave.

If you go to get her, it may help to have a chat with her and see if you can support her to stay, rather than go with the purpose of bringing her home. However, if she’s clearly not enjoying any aspect and feels she doesn’t want to keep giving it a go, then you should bring her home.

crumblingschools · 05/08/2025 16:08

@CaptainMyCaptain most medications on a camp would be locked away. DS always had to hand his over on school residentials and scouting camps

Is Ritalin something you take when needed rather than all the time?

ShallIstart · 05/08/2025 16:09

Shes not going to be getting anything out of the trip if she is miserable. I would be speaking to the camp and telling her to give it one more day, unless she is really distressed then I would get her asap.

SonK · 05/08/2025 16:15

Go get her OP, she's not having a great time : ( x

Mastercom · 05/08/2025 16:18

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/08/2025 10:16

You must be distressed by the situation as you have referred to another child as ' it '

now whether this was to keep the child anon so you didn't say she or he but it ?! really is a bit much.

' She has one local friend who's there but it's snubbing her now they are there.'

I just assumed that it was a typo for ‘is’

Venalopolos · 05/08/2025 16:19

I had exactly this when I was 12 - I went to France on a school trip with my best friend and she fell out with me and was AWFUL to me while I was there. I rang my mum from the local pay phone crying for the first few nights as this was before mobile phone roaming was affordable. I can remember running sobbing to the shop when my pay phone credit ran out as I just wanted my mum so had to buy more credit and ring her back.

She couldn’t come and get me because I was abroad.

In the end, I made new friends and though I was so so glad to get home, I think I learnt a lot about resilience while I was there, and in hindsight I’m glad I stuck it out. It did help that my mum was at the end of a phone to cheer me up a lot though, and so I wonder if you can agree an exception to speak to her more often if she’s still struggling.

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/08/2025 16:22

crumblingschools · 05/08/2025 16:08

@CaptainMyCaptain most medications on a camp would be locked away. DS always had to hand his over on school residentials and scouting camps

Is Ritalin something you take when needed rather than all the time?

No it has to be given regularly at a certain time. Medications should be locked safely away but need to be given as prescribed. This is how it is in school, teachers don't decide whether to give it or not.

BotterMon · 05/08/2025 16:41

You sound imminently sensible OP with your plan of action.

To those who would already have been on the road - what are you teaching your children? Every time life gets a little tough Mummy will swoop in and make it all better? Your kids will get a huge shock when they actually have to deal with some shit.

Robinredd · 05/08/2025 16:45

AgileLilacHelper · 05/08/2025 09:57

We have a parent who comes and parks in the car park at recess and lunch so that the 15/16 yr old child can have lunch with them… they also are first in line for the pick up line, often arriving at 2:15 for a 3:30 finish!

Show quote history

I wouldnt judge. How do you know that that child is not being bullied or has severe mental health issues and that's the only way to get them to school?

There's few 15/16 year olds that would be willing to actually sit with their parent at lunch unless there was a pretty serious reason behind it.

Whenindoubthugitout · 05/08/2025 16:47

mauvaiseherbe · 05/08/2025 13:31

Rather too much unhelpful Transference and Projection on this thread, ladies.

It’s called “giving a different perspective”. Which is pretty much how chat forums work. HTH

Mydogisatool · 05/08/2025 17:05

BotterMon · 05/08/2025 16:41

You sound imminently sensible OP with your plan of action.

To those who would already have been on the road - what are you teaching your children? Every time life gets a little tough Mummy will swoop in and make it all better? Your kids will get a huge shock when they actually have to deal with some shit.

Absolutely. It’s very important to know that when they are young. You can’t replicate the stability being shown that your parents will always be there for you the second you need them. It’s given mine unshakeable confidence to go out into the world themselves, which they both did.

It’s certainly not been detrimental to my two eldest, and christ, one of them has had to face many hard times alone and abroad in the armed forces, the other working in a 3rd world country thousands of miles away in a medical capacity.

Original poster
ShatnerssBasoon · 05/08/2025 17:32

Update- I have just spoken to my daughter. Day 2 or 3 if you count travel of camp, and she confirms that it's terrible with minimal activity, but she's laughing.. she says actually not too terrible and hanging out with said friend again... I have several more grey hairs and she's not even 13, yet.. Thank you all for advice and getting me through day 2 of camp- i am holding off on the drive and will keep in touch with her.. xx love you all

OP posts:
Emonade · 05/08/2025 17:34

ThatNattyPlayer · 05/08/2025 08:41

100% disagree, my mother left me at a camp when I was 13, I was being bullied there and camp leaders didnt give a shit, my mom left me there to show me “independence” I had a terrible time and felt really let down by my parents, it’s stuck with me ever since and I’m 36.
i would never put my child in that situation, home is her safe place and if she wanted to come home, I’d travel wherever to bring her back to show that I respect her feelings.

Show quote history

Exactly this. And to the person who says parents are bonkers these days do you think it’s cos they don’t want their children to have the same shitty experiences they did

Ddakji · 05/08/2025 17:35

ShatnerssBasoon · 05/08/2025 17:32

Update- I have just spoken to my daughter. Day 2 or 3 if you count travel of camp, and she confirms that it's terrible with minimal activity, but she's laughing.. she says actually not too terrible and hanging out with said friend again... I have several more grey hairs and she's not even 13, yet.. Thank you all for advice and getting me through day 2 of camp- i am holding off on the drive and will keep in touch with her.. xx love you all

Great update, I’m pleased she’s having a better day. Girls and their friendship dramas!! 🤣🤣🤣

TwinklyFawn · 05/08/2025 17:36

Mydogisatool · 05/08/2025 13:36

You have summed up my feelings so well.

I’ve had some awful things happen in life and I am always told how resilient (HATE that word) and strong I am.

No, I am not. I was forced to cope alone and to be independent from a young age “stick it out! Don’t over react!” from a young age. As you say, you learn no one is coming to save you. So while I look calm on the outside, inside I am screaming and panicking, and I have spend the majority of my life hiding at home.

Thank god, I chose to raise my children the opposite way and they are completely different.

Show quote history

This. I had resilience forced on me from a young age. I was expected to put up and shut up when i was bullied at school. When my grandma and granddad died i stayed strong on the outside as i had been taught that crying was weak.

Clearinguptheclutter · 05/08/2025 17:42

What sort of camp is it? I sympathise because my 11 (nearly 12) year old was on a scout camp last week, all went well but there is literally no contact while there, the leaders let you know if there is a problem. Phones are banned Quite difficult for the parents in some ways but the kids just get on with it and have a great time so I think the no contact actually helps. In his case though I trust the leaders to make sure everyone is ok. They go every year and in living memory only one child has ever had to be picked up and that was due to behaviour.

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 05/08/2025 17:52

ShatnerssBasoon · 05/08/2025 17:32

Update- I have just spoken to my daughter. Day 2 or 3 if you count travel of camp, and she confirms that it's terrible with minimal activity, but she's laughing.. she says actually not too terrible and hanging out with said friend again... I have several more grey hairs and she's not even 13, yet.. Thank you all for advice and getting me through day 2 of camp- i am holding off on the drive and will keep in touch with her.. xx love you all

That's a great update. The mere fact of knowing that you would support her decision to leave, if necessary, might be helping her to stick it out.

SuburbanSprawl · 05/08/2025 18:07
  • bungee trampolines.
  • inflatable assault course
  • climbing and abseiling
  • craft activities x 3
  • campfire building
  • toasting marshmallows and singalong
  • dance class
  • judo class
  • tie dye t shirts
  • circus skills
  • going into underground tunnels

Sorry, came upon this without context and for a terrible moment I thought someone had itemised a vision of the circles of Hell specifically for childhood me.

TeenLifeMum · 05/08/2025 18:10

Robinredd · 05/08/2025 15:19

There are different ways to teach a child 'coping skills' and leaving your 12 year old to 'cope' when they've cried to you asking for your help isn't one of them. it's setting them up for mental health issues and my children's well being will come before any so called coping lessons.

You can dress it up whatever way you like but I say not going to get them is absolutely shit parenting.

Show quote history

She’d been there 24 hours and isn’t at risk, I think trying it a bit longer is sensible. Only op knows her own daughter. Mine would have been able to try a bit longer. It’s not about abandoning the child and refusing to collect but after one night she’s not given it a chance.

Great to read op’s update that she’s happy and laughing with friends.

Lynnypaws · 05/08/2025 18:13

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/08/2025 07:56

Yes,she's only 12,go and get her.

Definitely go and get her