Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

[Asbusyasabee]

AIBU?
Sorry if this is long!

My mum kindly offered to gift us £50,000 towards our house purchase. We accepted it, working towards a max budget. She has since felt the need to give us 'advice' on going for certain types of houses (sends us links to places we don't like) suggests we go to the max budget, and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning....)

We initially went for a house a few months ago, told her the good news about our offer being accepted (was £70k under our Max budget) and she spent a good 5 mins criticising the fact it was a terraced house. Offered no congratulations etc. It really deflated us.

For various reasons, the sale fell through, and we viewed a property quite quickly after and fell in love with it (large, 4 bed, large garden, garage, safe area etc). I told her at a family party today, her face looked like thunder when I told her which house it was (it wasn't one she liked, because it's an older house....and not a brand new build). I started to briefly explain why we love it and it's right for us, and she just interrupted me and said "we'll discuss this at your house" (she's coming to stay with us tonight) then she turned away from me and changed convo with a relative.

I feel so deflated, nothing will ever match her standards. Because of the £50k gift/loan, she feels she has the right to say where we live. I just want her to trust that we are capable adults making our own decisions etc. I'm in mid 30s, married, 3 young children, lived in plenty of houses and moved around a lot.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the upcoming conversation when she arrives at our house and she will want to talk about it?

Extra info - we can just about afford the house without her money, but it'll increase monthly payments by £271 and I can't be on the mortgage because I'm not working (will be in 2 years after maternity etc).

She has done subtle controlling things in the past e.g hanging up my washing on the clothes line 'the right way' but is equally very supportive (has come to stay and look after my children if I'm poorly, great with my children, gives us presents - but whenever my children wear something she gifted them, she'll say 'nanny bought you that' - she did this in the middle of us giving other big news in our life, and it wasn't an outfit she'd even bought my child!)

And we are moving to be closer to her and my brother and dad (within 30 mins)

Loads of reasons. If one person doesn’t work the. They are seen as a dependent. This brings greater risk to a mortgage lender.

The debt to income ratio is worse

one person might have a lower credit score or debts.

OP don’t take the money. Find a way to do this without her £50k. We had a very similar situation with my MIL, a huge song and dance about offering us an early inheritance to purchase our family home. She then criticised our house choices and viewings, wanted an update every single day, and later said we couldn’t have the money anymore unless she agreed with the purchase we went for.
The very short story is we turned the ‘gift’ down - it caused a fucking tsunami of an argument so fair warning there but were much happier for it without her endless criticisms and input. Even now, she’ll come over and critique things with our home (‘Such a shame the shops in walking distance aren’t very good’ I mean FFS) and I just go ‘well it’s a good job you’re not living here isn’t it!’ and move on!!!!!

I am on a mortgage as a SAHM, though I am self-employed and earning, but it just was quicker this way (didn't use a broker and didn't need a huge mortgage though).
As to your mom's offer, I would still take it, but repay it in many small installments. Why making life harder for yourself, just to scorn your mother. Show her you appreciate her offer and take it, but pay it back. Anytime she mentions it to anybody in the future, reply loudly that it was a loan and you are paying it back.

Thank you.
But the mortgage being based on the husband only doesn’t make their wife and kids disappear?
Therefore the risk doesn’t disappear.

I’m just confused considering they are married.

I'd only gift the money if my child's name was on the mortgage and deeds.

Or, it's just a simple calculation, as in we will lend:

• 3 x one person's income, or
• 2.5 x two people's combined income (and op's income is zero)

This underlines why you should negotiate directly with the mortgage lender (to point out why the standard calculation doesn't make sense in this specific instance) rather than go through a broker (who can't bend the rules)

Don’t. I didn’t when my parents were like this. I don’t regret it. Buy your own house.

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't updated I'm a bit shocked I've had this many replies! Just want to do 1 brief update.

Spoke to my mum, she apologised about how she spoke at the party. Turned out she doesn't really have criticism of the house (or any I know of) but it's how far my partner will have to commute. We can't win, because being near enough to my family vs his commute being under an hour gives us a very small area to look in, currently no houses in our price range. Mum said the money is a gift, we are being gifted a lot less from her than originally offered as we found a property lower in budget. We are normally close and get on, but sometimes likes to give advice when not needed, our personalities are similar in some ways and not others!

We're moving nearer to my parents and brother because they're getting on with health issues and my brother is disabled. I want to be there so if anything happens I know what to do with my brother. He's in supported living, around 20 mins from where our new house will be. Also, we've moved around a lot and want to settle, and move ASAP so we can get school applications in by January - mortgage in principle might be enough, but will check with the only local, highly rated school in September.

Spoke to my partner we'll ensure I'm on the mortgage/deeds, it'll just a be a bit tighter for a couple of years and that's ok. I'll be working by the end of the two years. Even if it means we go to a different broker etc.

I voted yabu just for accepting the money.

It doesn't come with strings, it's a whole frickin harp.

1st post nails it!

This OP!

This is what happened when we ha e our daughter money towards a house. I suspect it’s to ensure it’s not another loan that would need servicing. Ours was always a gift.

We gave our daughter £20,000 towards a house purchase and when she was applying for the mortgage we had to sign a declaration that the money was a gift, not a loan and that we would have no financial interest in the house when purchased. I suspect the OP would have the same requirement, signing that document really does clarify the situation, and if DM tries it on later you have documentary evidence of the gift. It won't solve the underlying issue though, she's looking for control, which is simply not on.

The need to declare the money as a gift not a loan has been stated many times. Filling in a Gift Confirmation Form is something I have done very recently, and others have mentioned it too, but it seems people aren't reading the thread.

The OP has spoken to her mother, who has recognised that she overstepped, but people aren't interested in that, either. They just want to talk the OP out of accepting a gift of £50k because in their opinion a woman they have never met must be a control freak and will somehow manage to claw back money that she has signed away legally.

The OP has said that the matter is sorted, she has been gifted a smaller sum, and her mother recognises that the money is a gift. This was achieved by communicating, rather than jumping to conclusions and walking away - who'd have thought it?

You would be foolish to accept her money. She's already disclosed that it may be a loan not a gift, big difference. Your life will be one of being beholden to her and her whims. You will be continually worried that a row will result in 'I want my money back in 3 months'. To live your own life you need to ensure she is not holding the strings.

God.

I would try try and do this without her help to be honest as she will throw it back in your face at every opportunity by the sounds of it