Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

166 replies

Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:16

AIBU?
Sorry if this is long!

My mum kindly offered to gift us £50,000 towards our house purchase. We accepted it, working towards a max budget. She has since felt the need to give us 'advice' on going for certain types of houses (sends us links to places we don't like) suggests we go to the max budget, and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning....)

We initially went for a house a few months ago, told her the good news about our offer being accepted (was £70k under our Max budget) and she spent a good 5 mins criticising the fact it was a terraced house. Offered no congratulations etc. It really deflated us.

For various reasons, the sale fell through, and we viewed a property quite quickly after and fell in love with it (large, 4 bed, large garden, garage, safe area etc). I told her at a family party today, her face looked like thunder when I told her which house it was (it wasn't one she liked, because it's an older house....and not a brand new build). I started to briefly explain why we love it and it's right for us, and she just interrupted me and said "we'll discuss this at your house" (she's coming to stay with us tonight) then she turned away from me and changed convo with a relative.

I feel so deflated, nothing will ever match her standards. Because of the £50k gift/loan, she feels she has the right to say where we live. I just want her to trust that we are capable adults making our own decisions etc. I'm in mid 30s, married, 3 young children, lived in plenty of houses and moved around a lot.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the upcoming conversation when she arrives at our house and she will want to talk about it?

Extra info - we can just about afford the house without her money, but it'll increase monthly payments by £271 and I can't be on the mortgage because I'm not working (will be in 2 years after maternity etc).

She has done subtle controlling things in the past e.g hanging up my washing on the clothes line 'the right way' but is equally very supportive (has come to stay and look after my children if I'm poorly, great with my children, gives us presents - but whenever my children wear something she gifted them, she'll say 'nanny bought you that' - she did this in the middle of us giving other big news in our life, and it wasn't an outfit she'd even bought my child!)

And we are moving to be closer to her and my brother and dad (within 30 mins)

OP posts:
CloudPop · 03/08/2025 10:21

Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:26

Nobody hasn't, I can be on the mortgage but can only borrow £50k less. So that's where my mums gift came in.

Show quote history

I think you’ve been misadvised. See another broker.

CautiousLurker01 · 03/08/2025 10:24

Hollietree · 02/08/2025 22:03

When we were applying for mortgages recently, we could borrow less money if I was added to the mortgage. Sounds crazy but it’s not uncommon.

My Husband is a high earner and is 3 years younger than me. I earn a lower wage part-time. Because I am 3 years older they would only offer us a mortgage with a 3 year shorter term, than if my Husband applied for the mortgage in his name only. So applying together we could borrow less, have a shorter term and have higher monthly payments! Was a no brainer for the mortgage to be in his name only.

We have been married 20 years, have children together etc……so should we ever divorce I would still be entitled to 50% of the house.

Yes, this is how I understand it working. The house, as a joint marital asset, is still half yours but the calculation for the mortgage - and the assessment of risk - is based entirely on the husband’s income and credit profile. The non-working party is excluded from the risk assessment this way and thus does not adversely impact the calculation.

OP in your shoes, I would take out the higher mortgage, decline your mother’s gift, start looking to get back into work sooner rather than later and renegotiate the mortgage loan in a few years.

Borrowing/lending money within the family is fraught with the potential for future conflict in most circumstances - and your DM has already red flagged this by her conduct and the reduction of the gift into a loan with now unspecified terms and the indication that it can be recalled at her whim.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 03/08/2025 10:31

I'd rethink the idea of moving closer to your mother - she sounds like she could become controlling & interfering which would probably cause problems.

Don't take the £50k
She's using the money to control you and will hold it over you forever

In your shoes I'd be looking to get into the workplace; it's would increase your income making the £50k unnecessary, it makes you a contributor to the mortgage & it will safeguard your future.

Sahara123 · 03/08/2025 11:11

MyOliveStork · 03/08/2025 08:42

Please don’t take the money. Buy what you can afford yourselves whatever that may be. Get a fixed short term mortgage and remortgage in a couple of years when (hopefully) rates are better and you can go onto the mortgage as well. If your mum is passive aggressive now about your house choice imagine how she will be when you actually own it and ‘do things’ to make it yours, decorate, new kitchen etc. I have a friend whose father in law had a £100k steak in their home (and this was 20 years ago) and he never let them forget it. He became very difficult and unpleasant as he got older threatening to take the money back (it was some sort of trust so they never actually would owe that share either) but because they then couldn’t afford to buy him out or downsize, they were stuck. Things are better now because he has early dementia and the kids have all left home, but the damage was done and my friend has left her husband anyway. So when they sell the house and split the proceeds, a large chunk after the mortgage isn’t theirs at all. In the early days she thought it was such a good idea but now she wishes they had just bought what they could afford.

Wow was it Wagyu ( sorry🤣)

Sahara123 · 03/08/2025 11:14

AdoraBell · 03/08/2025 09:02

YANBU OP but this is why I have never accepted help from my ILs.

MIL wanted to pay for our wedding and I said no.

FIL wanted us to buy a bigger house with “help” and I said no.

SIL offered to loan for buying our house and I said no.

Apprentky I’m awkward 😬 but no one other myself and DH have a say over our decisions.

But bear in mind some people do offer help with no strings attached . We’ve given ours money towards house purchases with no expectation that we had any say in anything.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 03/08/2025 11:17

You'd be selling your soul and mh for 50k. Don't do it.
And move further away not closer...

Blueuggboots · 03/08/2025 11:21

You can’t be on the deeds if you’re not on the mortgage. Why on earth is the amount you can borrow LESS with you on the mortgage? absolutely don’t do this.
and give your mum the money back.

Greyhound98 · 03/08/2025 11:24

Don’t take her money. She will act like she owns your house. Also in later life are you likely to be pressured in to having her live with you, because she thinks she owns your house?
This would be a hard no for me, you’ll never hear the end of it.

CautiousLurker01 · 03/08/2025 11:25

Blueuggboots · 03/08/2025 11:21

You can’t be on the deeds if you’re not on the mortgage. Why on earth is the amount you can borrow LESS with you on the mortgage? absolutely don’t do this.
and give your mum the money back.

This isn’t the case. You absolutely can be on the deed but not on the mortgage. The mortgage is a charge against the property in the case of defaulting on payments, so long as the mortgagee IS listed, the right of the mortgage lender is protected.

The attached link explains this and also how/why only one marital partner may be used to obtain the mortgage but the other party remains/is put on the deed.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 03/08/2025 11:29

FGS don't do this OP - it's not a gift, she's already told she she's going to want it back, it's a power play. Buy the house you can afford without her 'gift'.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 03/08/2025 11:31

There’s absolutely no way I would be borrowing money from this person. Not only will she use it to control you forever more she’s already changed the terms once. What are you going to do if she asks for it back in 2 years time? I’d find a way to do it without her. Even if it meant a compromise on the house

MascaraGirl · 03/08/2025 11:32

And also, you can be on the mortgage even if you're not working, it just won't increase the amount that they'll lend if you don't have an income. If you're not on the mortgage, you won't be on the deeds to the property (a mortgage lender won't lend unless all owners are on the mortgage).

This. Always make sure you’re on the mortgage

TheAfterGlow841 · 03/08/2025 11:34

Are you married ?

If you are putting in money into the property, you must be on the mortgage
You would be stupid not to

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 03/08/2025 11:40

Only accept the money is you are happy to fall out with your mother down the line as she definitely WILL come asking for that money back and I’m going to assume at the point she asks you are going to no doubt have to say no as you won’t have that money to hand over.

Lucytheloose · 03/08/2025 11:47

I wouldn't accept a gift or a loan from this person and I wouldn't move house to be closer to her. Further away, maybe.

Mildmanneredmum · 03/08/2025 11:51

MrsOvertonsWindow · 03/08/2025 09:48

I've gifted adult children money for a house purchase and have had to sign a lengthy form with all sorts of questions confirming it was a gift not a loan (disguised loan) . Questions included my source of the money, dates, dates money was gifted. All needed evidence (bank statements etc) and all sorts of signed guarantees that I had no legal claim on the property or loan. All of which I was happy to do - it was a gift to my family and it's completely up to them what property they purchase with it.

That might be a useful way into the conversation - the legal ramifications and the fact that legally she has to commit to having no claim on the money.

Yes - I was able to gift my two children after I'd sold the London house and bought somewhere (home!) much cheaper - I can remember standing in a lawyer's office in London producing document after document to show where the money had come from to gift to be able to transfer to them, proof of my residency (I was in a rented room in a shared house at that time, and very happy). It's all to do with money laundering. I had to show my bank statements from the sale of the house, plus completion documents, to demonstrate where the money had come from. Any lender and solicitor will want to conduct the same due diligence on the £50K.

ShyMaryEllen · 03/08/2025 11:53

LittlleMy · 03/08/2025 08:31

@Asbusyasabee Re the proposed £50k loan, I think the bank will request a signed statement to the effect that it’s a gift with no strings which she won’t be looking to ever recover. So would your mum even do that considering you said she sort of implied it was a gift but might need to ask for it to be repaid back to her if she ever needed it back?

This is true. I am giving my adult child money for a deposit and have to sign to say it is a gift with no strings, which is fine, as that's what it is.

In your position I would speak to your mum about her involvement if I could. £50k is a lot of money, and maybe she is worried that it will somehow get 'lost' if you don't buy something she sees as a good investment. Maybe she doesn't realise that she is behaving badly. If you can talk to her dispassionately about how you are grateful for her help, but you are worried that she is getting too involved in the purchase, so before you accept her generous offer you would like to clear up what the transaction involves, it might remove some of the uncertainty for you, and make your mum see that she's being unfair by imposing conditions, however vaguely, and make her back off.

She may also be concerned that the money is effectively going to your partner if you aren't on the mortgage. Would it be possible to have a solicitor look at that and draw up an agreement that in the event that you split you get that money back on top of any equity that has built up. I'm not suggesting that you will need to fall back on that, but it might reassure your mum.

pinkbackground · 03/08/2025 11:54

Don’t take the money. It will change the relationship and she will always think she gets a vote

Theroadt · 03/08/2025 11:58

You’re not being unreasonable. But better to use your own money frankly - if necessary buying cheaper house.

Whiningatwine · 03/08/2025 12:30

I think if she is paying in then she has a right to be concerned that her money is going to be used wisely, and isn't going to see her money disappear because a property falls into negative equity. If you dont want her involvement that is absolutely fine, but you can't take her money.

TurquoiseDress · 03/08/2025 12:33

I’d say don’t borrow the money as it’s a loaded transaction with your mum’s expectations

Do not proceed unless you’re on the mortgage and the deeds

AliceinWonderland2012 · 03/08/2025 13:03

Don’t take the money.

my mum paid my postgraduate loan for years and then I moved away once I got married and she just ceased paying for it.

put me in a difficult financial position.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 03/08/2025 13:08

Do it without her money. She sounds awful and you don't want to be tied to her in this way with her lording it over you for years to come.

longtompot · 03/08/2025 14:33

spoonbillstretford · 03/08/2025 00:52

Take the money, buy the house and tell her to butt out. Also once they have given over the money it's a gift, they can't legally ask for it back.

She'd have to write a letter to state it was a gift. I can't see her doing that on a house she doesn't like.

@Asbusyasabee I agree with others saying don't accept the money. Either struggle for a bit to pay for this one now, or find another one you can afford more comfortably. A gift with strings is not a gift, its control.

ShyMaryEllen · 03/08/2025 15:08

Am I the only one who thinks the mother should be given a chance to say how she feels and why? It is a generous offer, and she may not realise she is being controlling, or may worry because her daughter is not going to be on the deeds.

People seem to be advising that not being on the mortgage is a bad idea (and I agree) but not recognising that the mother might feel the same. There may be clumsiness if she doesn't want to say outright that she doesn't want the OP's partner to have her £50k in the event of a split.

Sitting down to thrash it all out seems to me the sensible way forward, before writing off an offer without which the OP can't have the house she wants anyway, whether her mother approves of it or not.