Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

[Asbusyasabee]

AIBU?
Sorry if this is long!

My mum kindly offered to gift us £50,000 towards our house purchase. We accepted it, working towards a max budget. She has since felt the need to give us 'advice' on going for certain types of houses (sends us links to places we don't like) suggests we go to the max budget, and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning....)

We initially went for a house a few months ago, told her the good news about our offer being accepted (was £70k under our Max budget) and she spent a good 5 mins criticising the fact it was a terraced house. Offered no congratulations etc. It really deflated us.

For various reasons, the sale fell through, and we viewed a property quite quickly after and fell in love with it (large, 4 bed, large garden, garage, safe area etc). I told her at a family party today, her face looked like thunder when I told her which house it was (it wasn't one she liked, because it's an older house....and not a brand new build). I started to briefly explain why we love it and it's right for us, and she just interrupted me and said "we'll discuss this at your house" (she's coming to stay with us tonight) then she turned away from me and changed convo with a relative.

I feel so deflated, nothing will ever match her standards. Because of the £50k gift/loan, she feels she has the right to say where we live. I just want her to trust that we are capable adults making our own decisions etc. I'm in mid 30s, married, 3 young children, lived in plenty of houses and moved around a lot.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the upcoming conversation when she arrives at our house and she will want to talk about it?

Extra info - we can just about afford the house without her money, but it'll increase monthly payments by £271 and I can't be on the mortgage because I'm not working (will be in 2 years after maternity etc).

She has done subtle controlling things in the past e.g hanging up my washing on the clothes line 'the right way' but is equally very supportive (has come to stay and look after my children if I'm poorly, great with my children, gives us presents - but whenever my children wear something she gifted them, she'll say 'nanny bought you that' - she did this in the middle of us giving other big news in our life, and it wasn't an outfit she'd even bought my child!)

And we are moving to be closer to her and my brother and dad (within 30 mins)

Definitely do not take her money. No good will come of it.

I agree with pp's, don't take the money.
Not only is she using it to control you, shes already said there's a chance she may need it back.
I'd bet your house on it that at some point she'll ask for some or all of it back, then you'll have to either increase your mortgage or get a loan.
Don't wait for that day, cut her out, you can tighten your belts for two yrs until you go back to work.
Either that or put off buying until you're back at work.
Don't let anyone have that sort of power over you and your family, especially when it comes to having a roof over your head.

Absolutely do not take the money.

I believe you can still be on the deeds if you are not on the mortgage. Please get some proper advice op - good luck

@Asbusyasabee Re the proposed £50k loan, I think the bank will request a signed statement to the effect that it’s a gift with no strings which she won’t be looking to ever recover. So would your mum even do that considering you said she sort of implied it was a gift but might need to ask for it to be repaid back to her if she ever needed it back?

Please don’t take the money. Buy what you can afford yourselves whatever that may be. Get a fixed short term mortgage and remortgage in a couple of years when (hopefully) rates are better and you can go onto the mortgage as well. If your mum is passive aggressive now about your house choice imagine how she will be when you actually own it and ‘do things’ to make it yours, decorate, new kitchen etc. I have a friend whose father in law had a £100k steak in their home (and this was 20 years ago) and he never let them forget it. He became very difficult and unpleasant as he got older threatening to take the money back (it was some sort of trust so they never actually would owe that share either) but because they then couldn’t afford to buy him out or downsize, they were stuck. Things are better now because he has early dementia and the kids have all left home, but the damage was done and my friend has left her husband anyway. So when they sell the house and split the proceeds, a large chunk after the mortgage isn’t theirs at all. In the early days she thought it was such a good idea but now she wishes they had just bought what they could afford.

I am wondering if OP has a poor credit history so her DH can borrow more if she isn't on the mortgage.

Op you HAVE to be on the mortgage. You can be ‘tenants in common’ and it can declare your different inputs so even if you aren’t paying much right now if you have contributed to the joint built up deposit you can protect that.

dont let the stuff with your mum let your husband steer you away from doing this.

Your broker might be steering you away as it’s more hassle for them to set up or increases their admin.

protect YOUR contribution

Are you married?

Also mum might try and move in - don't use her money

Don't take money from her.

She is just using this as a form of control and if you buy with her money it will be a constant issue in the future.

Don’t take the money. You will have to rein in your expectations perhaps but that £50k will be brought up every two minutes if you take it.

You will have to have a written statement given to your solicitor to explain the 50j (anti money laundering I think) - we had to do this when purchasing with a gift from a parent.

the statement makes it very clear it’s a gift and they don’t expect it back, to ensure you have affordability. So it seems like your mum isn’t going to get past this.

if I were you I’d look for houses without it as she seems like she might flip flop to control you. I’d also stop giving her so much information about your houses. Don’t involve her in it, she’s not being sensible. She’s no more of an expert then you coz you’re buying a house in these current conditions and unless she has, she doesn’t know the market etc any more than you.

but you shouldn’t put money in to a house that your name isn’t on. Make sure you get a solicitor to draw up something that covers what you would get back if you separate to protect your asset and get on the deeds.

YANBU OP but this is why I have never accepted help from my ILs.

MIL wanted to pay for our wedding and I said no.

FIL wanted us to buy a bigger house with “help” and I said no.

SIL offered to loan for buying our house and I said no.

Apprentky I’m awkward 😬 but no one other myself and DH have a say over our decisions.

Budget for not having her money. If she comes up with it, use it for improvements.

You need to be free to make your own decisions. She cannot manipulate you like this unless you let her. The choice is yours.

You need to have this precise conversation with your Mum. Be respectful of course but also honest. Say you’re worried that the money could damage your relationship which you value. She does sound like a loving Mother and Grandmother in many ways but just irritating in others. This isn’t abnormal! Take the content of this thread to her directly.

A great outcome would be that she understands how her behaviour is problematic and changes, and makes it clear the money is a gift never to be repaid and she has no say in how it’s spent.

A pragmatic outcome is that you don’t take her money but can be honest about why, thus not harming your relationship.

You can't afford it without her money so don't take it. Obviously. This is a gift with huge strings attached and not worth selling your autonomy for.

Don't accept her money. Tell her you don't need it.
Buy the house you want (sounds lovely).
Dont worry about not being on the mortgage, you're married so its a marital asset. But for peace of mind, put a legal agreement in place.
Good luck.

Get her to give you the money now, with a letter confirming it's a gift. If she's so benevolent and kind surely she'd love to give it already 😇

Fwiw it's worth my parents gave me money towards a deposit a few months before the purchase went through. Having all the cash ready in the bank made things a lot quicker. But I have sensible parents who only advised/commented when asked!

Also - you contributed to the deposit by working, so make sure you ring fence that 50%.

You're mad to take the money

I've gifted adult children money for a house purchase and have had to sign a lengthy form with all sorts of questions confirming it was a gift not a loan (disguised loan) . Questions included my source of the money, dates, dates money was gifted. All needed evidence (bank statements etc) and all sorts of signed guarantees that I had no legal claim on the property or loan. All of which I was happy to do - it was a gift to my family and it's completely up to them what property they purchase with it.

That might be a useful way into the conversation - the legal ramifications and the fact that legally she has to commit to having no claim on the money.

You’ve already said in your post you can afford this without her money. Given what she is doing and saying, and all the strings attached and blackmail essentially, why on God’s earth would you take her money?

Have you got a sensible relative who can butt in.
My dsis told me she was going to give money to her dd and said she expected her dd to spend it on x.
I firmly told her that a gift is just that and the beneficiary should be free to use it as they wish.
She had a think, realised I was correct and passed on gift with no provisos.

This isn’t a gift because it comes with conditions. Thank her politely for the offer but decline to take it. If you need a diplomatic reason say it makes you too nervous to think of it as a loan that may need ti be called in at a later date. Whatever you do, do not accept this money it truly won’t be worth it.

Do not accept your mums gift. It's not a gift but a way of controlling you. You will regret accepting it forevermore. It's really not worth letting her have this over your head for the rest of her life.